Chris: What's going on?
Rochelle: [coughing] Baby, we're all sick. So I quarantined the rest of the house so you're just going to have to stay over there.
Chris: But where am I supposed to eat and sleep and go to the bathroom?
Rochelle: Well, baby, you can sleep on the couch. And then you can eat free sloppers over at Doc's. And I left you a bucket.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Great, what do I do when the bucket is full? [Julius and Rochelle cough]

Julius: Rochelle, this is crazy. First of all, you used $3.97 worth of plastic wrap. Second, Chris can't live like this. I called Mr. Omar. He can stay upstairs with him.
Rochelle: Oh, no, he can't go up there with all them loose women coming and going.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, he can.
Julius: Look, Mr. Omar promised he'd be on his best behavior. Chris will be fine. [coughs]
Rochelle: Julius, I don't know about this.
Julius: Look, either way, we ain't wasting this much plastic wrap. So, you might as well send him up to Omar's. [coughs]
Rochelle: [coughs] You gotta go upstairs, baby.

Greg: Dude, this is so awesome. You got your own bachelor pad.
Chris: Yeah, it's great, besides the fact that there's an old man that lives there.
Greg: Yeah, but he's not an old man that tells you what to do. You're like Fonzie living upstairs on Happy Days.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] [as Fonzie] Ey...
Chris: You know, this will be the first time I actually have some privacy.
Greg: Whenever I want privacy, my dad tells me to go in the backyard.

Drew: Oh, man, I just threw up buckets.
Tonya: [accidentally touches the thermometer she was holding against a lamp] Ow!
Drew: Why are you faking a fever?
Tonya: Because I forgot to study for my math quiz, and I don't want to get an "F."
Drew: If Mama finds out you aren't sick, she's going to kill you.
Tonya: If I get an "F," Mama will kill me. So why don't you mind your own business?

Mr. Omar: Well, I'm going to bed.
Chris: So what time do you want me to turn off the lights?
Mr. Omar: Oh, I don't care. You can stay up all night if you want. And there's some videos over there you're welcome to watch. I've got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki aka Death, Japanese Style.
Chris: Cool, thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Turns out Mr. Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death.
Chris: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Mr. Omar: Chris. Chris. Chris?!
Chris: [wakes up] What?
Mr. Omar: What time are you going to be home from school?
Chris: Like, 5:00. Why?
Mr. Omar: Can you make it midnight?
Chris: No. I'm a kid, I can't stay out that late.
Mr. Omar: Hmm. Yeah, you got a point. Well, in that case, I won't be home tonight.
Chris: Where are you going to be?
Mr. Omar: Minding my own business.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For a guy who's never had a place to himself, Greg had a lot of ideas about what I should do.
Greg: Do you know what this means? You're in possession of the velvet trap.
Chris: Velvet trap? What does catch?
Greg: Don't you know who likes velvet?
Chris: Prince?
Greg: Him, too? But I was talking about girls. Girls like velvet.
Chris: Velvet... What are you talking about?
Greg: Your apartment-- velvet. You've got a place. Now all you need to do is get a girl. You're so in there. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could.
[fantasy: Greg sobs as he wears children's pajamas and sits on a plastic-covered couch]

Manny: Which tape is it?
Chris: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.
Kill Moves: Richard Pryor, huh? That's a good one!
Jerome: Hey, little dude, let me hold that tape.
Chris: I would, but I'm watching it again tonight.

Rochelle: [talking through the door] Now, are you sure this is going to work?
Chris: Worked for everybody on the block.
Rochelle: How many teaspoons do we need to take? One or two?
Chris: Six.
Rochelle: Six?!
Chris: Yeah, six.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I knew that was too much and I risked putting my family in a coma, but I wasn't risking my mother catching me with a girl.
[fantasy: as Chris and Tasha lean in on the couch, Rochelle busts through the wall wearing military fatiguies and holding a machine gun:]
Rochelle: [screaming and grunting] Freeze! 'Cause I ain't raising no babies!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even in a coma, my mother could sense trouble. I started out wanting to get a little privacy and ended up with a disaster. And at that moment, I wished for anything to get me out of that mess...
Rochelle: What is going on in here?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...except this.
[later, Rochelle yells at Chris in his bedroom:]
Rochelle: You better start looking, 'cause obviously you lost your mind. Upstairs partying while we're down here...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After my mother got through with me... Tonya... and Mr. Omar... I realized that having privacy and being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be. But at least she didn't find out about Tasha.
Rochelle: Chris! [holding a belt] What is this I hear about you having some girl upstairs?
Chris: [sneezes]