Chris: What's wrong? I thought you guys were going out.
Rochelle: The sitter canceled, and my anniversary is ruined. Other than that, everything is fine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If this was a cartoon, you'd see a lightbulb appear above my head.

Chris: Ma, I can do it. I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.
[fantasy:]
Host: And the award for "Best Kid Pretending Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary When He Wants Out Of The House So He Can Sneak Out And Do Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing" goes to... Chris! Chris, ladies and gentlemen.

Rochelle: Boy, what are you doing?
Drew: I'm gonna get on That's Incredible by using my psychic powers to bend this spoon.
Rochelle: Not with my good silver you're not. Go mind-bend a spork or something.

Rochelle: Chris, you know what to do.
Chris: Yeah, I got everything covered. Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI, CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though nobody showed, I figured since I was out, I may as well go in.
Chris: Forget this. [gunshots, yelling]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what happens when you talk over the trailer for Three Men and a Baby.

Drew: How do you get shot in a movie theater and not have any witnesses?
Julius: Because nobody wants to be a snitch, that's why.
Tonya: What do you mean?
[fantasy: Dr. Information talks to camera while walking through a crowd gathered by a dead man:]
Dr. Information: In the early days in the Black communities, people enjoyed telling on each other. You couldn't do anything without getting caught.
Old Timey Cop: Who did this?
Man: He did.
Dr. Information: Thousands of criminals were sent to jail by law-abiding citizens.
Old Timey Cop: Thanks.
Man: No problem.
Dr. Information: It wasn't until those people got out of jail and started killing the people that sent them there that snitching got a bad rep.
Old Timey Cop: Who did this?
Dr. Information: I don't know.
Man: [o.s.] Wasn't me. I didn't see nothing.

Walter Dickerson: Too bad we didn't go. If we had seen that shooting, we'd be collecting that reward money right now.
Chris: Reward money?
Walter Dickerson: Yeah. The cops are offering a thousand dollars to anybody who can identify the shooter.
Chris: Thousand dollars?
Walter Dickerson: What are you, a parrot?
Chris: A parrot?
Walter Dickerson: Yeah, every time I say something, you say it.
Chris: I say it?
Walter Dickerson: Anyway, I'll catch you later.
Chris: Catch you later.
Walter Dickerson: Don't stand us up again.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was wondering how to collect a thousand dollars without collecting a bullet in my back.
Greg: You can't do it, man. You have any idea what they do to snitches in the joint?
Chris: Do you?
Greg: Yeah, I do. My Aunt Patricia told me.
Chris: Your Aunt Patricia was in jail?
Greg: Yeah, but that was when she was still my Uncle Pat. Trust me, dude, you do not want to snitch.
Chris: I don't know, man, I got to do something. There's a thousand dollars with my name on it.
Greg: Whatever you do, don't include me. And if anybody asks, this conversation never happened. [runs off]

Chris: You got the money?
Jerome: They said I get it as soon as they arrest the guy.
Chris: So, you told them about the red shirt and two-tone shoes and the stingy brim hat?
Jerome: Yep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was either a Black guy or Justin Timberlake.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back home, my father hoped some special treatment would end the silent treatment.
Rochelle: Julius, what the heck are you doing here in the dark?
Julius: I'm giving you your anniversary back.
Rochelle: Julius, this is amazing. You did all of this for me?
Julius: And there's more. I got you two tickets to Show Dogs tonight. I have to work, but you can take Vanessa.
Rochelle: Well, what about the kids?
Julius: Chris stayed with them the other night. He could take care of them again.
Rochelle: Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: you blew it once, don't let it happen again.