Julius: I don't want to know, I don't want to understand, I don't even want to hear it. I just want him gone.
Rochelle: Well, he has no place to go.
Julius: I don't care.
Rochelle: Him and my mother had a fight.
Julius: He about to have a fight with me. What's he doing with my shirt on?
Rochelle: Well, he spilled chocolate sauce on his.
Julius: My chocolate sauce?
Rochelle: Well...
Julius: Now he's spilling my food, he's wearing my shirt, sitting on my couch, eating my popcorn, watching my television, burning my electricity.

Mrs. Milone: Let me explain something to you, Chris. The Office of Class President is titular.
Chris: What-u-lar?
Ms. Morello: Titular, Chris. It means you don't have any power, just a title.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The first thing I should have done as President was change the meaning of "titular."

Michael: Big Man! I see why these cheese grits are your favorite. Mmm-mmm.
[cut to Uncle Mike locked out of the house in his underwear:]
Michael: Julius, come on, man! I said I'm sorry, man! Julius!
Julius: What?
Michael: Can I at least get my clothes, man?
Julius: You want your clothes? I got your clothes. I got your clothes. [throws the clothes out the window] That's for eating my cheese grits.
Michael: Julius, this is wrong, man.
Michael: I'm gonna tell 'Chelle about this! What you looking at?! You ain't never been throwed out before? This is wrong, man! Over some grits?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father eventually came downstairs to return his sock, but he shoved it somewhere that Uncle Michael couldn't reach it. I need a ride, man!

Michael: So, Chris, what's up with you?
Chris: Well, I was voted eighth grade class president.
Michael: Uh-oh. Just like Jesse Jackson.
Julius: Ronald Reagan is the president. Jesse Jackson's just a resident.
Michael: You might like Reagan, but he don't like you. I like my nephew. Black president. Way to go, yo.

Rochelle: How's Momma?
Michael: She threw me out.
Rochelle: Threw you out?! Well, what happened?
Michael: You know how Momma always give you half of something. Well, there was a piece of cake in the refrigerator. So I ate the whole thing. Next thing I know, she just started tripping. Talk about, "You eat up everything. You need to get a job and buy your own cake." You believe that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes!
Michael: Momma been tripping since Daddy died.
Rochelle: Well, where are you staying?
Michael: I was wondering if I could stay here with you a couple days.
Rochelle: Oh, I don't know, Michael. I gotta ask Julius that.
Michael: Thank you, sis. You know I love you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: "Where am I sleeping?"

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My new promise to keep my old promises was seen as very unpromising.
Chris: Hey, Greg!
Greg: "Hey, Greg"? Did you see the school paper?
Chris: We have a school paper?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Bush wasn't the first president who didn't read the paper.
Chris: What did I lie about?
Greg: Apparently you lied about everything.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The last true thing I said was, "My name is Chris and I'm running for president."

Greg: Well, we had a good run and we made history.
Chris: Yeah, I know. I was the first class president ever to be impeached.
Greg: I wonder who's going to replace you.
Chris: Probably Dipaolo.
Greg: Great, we're gonna have an idiot for president.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who knew Greg could see into the future?

Julius: So, uh, you been out all day looking for work?
Michael: No, I've been here all day.
Julius: Why is that?
Michael: It's cold out there, but it's warm in here.
Rochelle: Michael, why don't you run out to the store and, uh, get us some Nestea?
Michael: But The A Team about to come on. That's my program. I love me some Mr. T. "I pity the fool." That's my boy.
Rochelle: Michael! Go get the Nestea.

Chris: I made some campaign promises that I can't deliver. So now they want to impeach me.
Julius: That's what you get.
Chris: What?
Julius: How'd you like it if I said I was gonna do something for you and didn't do it?
Chris: Oh. Okay, so then what should I do?
Julius: I don't know. I didn't promise to tell you what to do, but you got yourself in this mess. Whatever happens, happens, but it's your responsibility.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father didn't believe in making promises, which was tough for him because they were free.

Tonya: Drew, I'm ready for you to teach me how to double Dutch.
Drew: Double Dutch is hard. I mean, you can't just jump right into it.
Tonya: How come?
Drew: 'Cause double Dutch is a serious sport. What do you think this is, single Dutch?
Tonya: No.
Drew: Okay, then. You can start by stretching. Can you touch your toes?
Tonya: [starts stretching] How many times?
Drew: I'll let you know. Just keep stretching. And after this, we'll do knee bends. [starts to read a comic book]