Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Everybody Hates Hall Monitors’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Hall Monitors

212. Everybody Hates Hall Monitors

Aired January 29, 2007

Chris tries to gain respect at school by becoming a hall monitor. Meanwhile, Rochelle unloads on Julius about her new colleague, and Tonya is unhappy when her friends are more interested in Drew.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.
[fantasy: Rochelle is wearing a nurse's uniform as she talks to Julius:]
Rochelle: So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At the fire station, it was Betty.
[fantasy: Rochelle is in a fireman's uniform talking to Julius:]
Rochelle: That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch. I should've turned the hose on her.
[fantasy: Rochelle wearing an astronaut's uniform and carrying foil-wrapped meals as the family sit at the dinner table with a jar of Tang:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And at NASA, it was Belinda.
Rochelle: Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we would've got stuck in the ionosphere, she would've been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" More Tang?
[reality:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And at the office, it was Charmaine.
Rochelle: And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes. He didn't hear a word she said.

Rate

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Ooh. Let me tell you what Charmaine did today. So she says to me, "Did you just get your hair done?" And she said it just like that. And then she passes me the card to her hairdresser and says, "Ooh, you know, girl, you should go to him. He's real good." I mean she got some nerve. Her hair so short, she can't even roll it with rice. I'm telling you, she got one more time.
Julius: Maybe she thought you'd like her hairdresser.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Uh-oh.
Rochelle: Are you defending her?
Julius: No. Um, I just thought maybe you took it wrong.
Rochelle: I took it wrong? She asked me if I just got my hair done and then hands me a card to her hairdresser. That's like somebody asking you if you just took a shower and then handing you a bar of soap.
Julius: I was just trying to help.
Rochelle: Help who? The woman has been messing with me since the day I got there. Now you're telling me I'm taking it wrong? Oh, no, she gonna take it wrong when I knock her over her block head.
Julius: Calm down.
Rochelle: Calm down? Why should I calm down? Oh, so I guess you're going to take sides with her, too. Next thing I know, you're gonna be passing me a card to her hairdresser.
Julius: Well, why you getting mad at me? This woman hands you a card and you trying to start a fight.
Rochelle: I am not trying to start a fight. She's the one trying to start a fight.
Julius: I don't care who's trying to start a fight. I'm trying to get some sleep.
Rochelle: Well, I am so sorry for trying to have a conversation with my husband!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I've learned that when dealing with a woman who has a problem, the last thing she wants from a man is a solution.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Hey, babe.
Rochelle: You know, I don't understand why you just can't listen to me. I'm upset and I want to talk about what happened at work. I listen to you when you complain about work.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never complained about work no matter what happened. One time he ran into a wall.
[fantasy: Julius arriving home with a bandaged face and a crutch:]
Rochelle: How was work, honey?
Julius: Fine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] One time he got held up.
[fantasy: Julius hopping into the bedroom blindfolded, gagged and with his hands tied:]
Rochelle: Oh, how was work, honey?
Julius: Fine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] One time he got his head cut off.
[fantasy: Julius is just a head on a high-chair:]
Rochelle: So how was work?
Julius: Fine. Chris, let me get a piece of that bacon.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Tried to give these guys a citation and they shoved me in the locker.
Greg: I'm not surprised. I mean, just look at your body language.
Chris: What body language?
Greg: It screams, "Ignore me." Your shoulders are hunched over. You're staring at the ground and you sound like a girl. Let me have that.
Chris: I don't sound like a girl. You hear like a girl.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And throw like a girl, run like a girl and scream like a girl.
Greg: I'm just saying, people can hear the fear in your voice. If you want to give out citations, you have to give them out like you mean it. [puts a toothpick in his mouth]
Chris: What is that for?
Greg: It's my thing. Kojak had a lollipop and I got this.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Man, a hall monitor. How'd you get in?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Jesse Jackson threatened a boycott.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later, I was thinking about Greg. And I wondered how my heroes would handle being a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.
[fantasy: Chris is dressed as Mr. T in the hallway:]
Chris: I pity the fool who doesn't have a hall pass.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.
[fantasy: Chris is holding pointing a gun at somebody on the ground:]
Chris: I know what you're thinking... Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.
[fantasy: Chris is wearing a leather jacket, shades and holding a machine gun:]
Chris: No citation? I'll be black.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] One of the biggest problems I had in school was I got no respect. People disrespected me at lunch.
Chris: Hey! That's my roll.
Girl: Shut up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They disrespected me in the halls.
Chris: Hey, man, that's my coat.
Boy: Shut up!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They even disrespected me during fire drills.
Ms. Morello: Oh, Chris, you go back inside and make sure nothing valuable burns.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried to make friends. I even ran for office. I just couldn't get any respect.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: [Caruso knocks Chris's books out of his hand] Hey!
Joey Caruso: Shut up.
Hall Monitor: You. Pick those up.
Joey Caruso: What if I don't?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only kids in school that got respect from everyone were the hall monitors.
Hall Monitor: I'll put you in detention so long, your kids will get out of school before you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hall monitors were the closest thing we had to the police. They couldn't arrest you, but they could write you up.
Chris: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, and if you're Black, they could shoot you.
Hall Monitor: You need to be in class.
Chris: All right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Being on the wrong side of a hall monitor was like being on the wrong side of the law. Nobody messed with those guys. [Caruso knocks Chris's books out of his hands again]
Joey Caruso: What you going to do now Coco Puff?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only thing I could do. Join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Oh, I asked Mrs. Milone. She said as long as I kept my grades up, there'll be no problem.
Greg: Man, I always wanted to be a hall monitor.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What Greg imagined hall monitors did and what they actually did were two different things.
[fantasy: Greg and another boy are in army fatigues as they monitor a group of students in the hallway:]
Greg: [over radio] Hall Dog One to Hall Dog Two. I have a group of violators. Sector one. On my signal Hall monitors! Down! Get on the ground! Go! That's what happens to punks who linger after the second bell. Book 'em, guys. We got a runner!

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Tonya, why don't you invite some friends to come over to play?
Tonya: Because you say you ain't want none of those raggedy kids in your house.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She actually said something much worse than "raggedy."
Rochelle: Fine. You can have some friends over, but keep them out of my room, out of my kitchen and out of my way, and don't bring that little crazy girl over here.
Tonya: Thanks, Ma.
Rochelle: Hey, where you going? You're not finished yet. Get back over here.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was exciting knowing for the first time, I wasn't going to get walked on, stepped over or pushed around. I was finally going to get some respect.
Chris: Hey, you! Stop running.
Boy: Shut up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He must not have seen my armband.
[later:]
Chris: Hey, no gum-chewing in school.
Girls: Shut up!
[later:]
Chris: Hey, no rough housing in the halls.
Boys: Shut up.
Chris: You'd better listen or else I'm gonna have to give you a citation. A'ight. Well, that's better. [the boys beat him with his citation book] No, not the locker, not the locker! No! [o.s.] No! You can't do this to me! I'm a hall monitor!
[v.o.] Now I'm a locker monitor.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey!
Girls: What?
Greg: How many times do I have to tell you? No gum-chewing in the halls.
Girls: You never told us no gum-chewing.
Greg: I'm telling you now.
Girls: Yes, sir.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That explains why Greg didn't get a date until he was 20.
Greg: See?
Chris: Well, if you're so good at it, why don't you become a hall monitor?
Greg: Who am I kidding? Study hall is safer. [takes out toothpick] Want this?
Chris: No, I'll get my own.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I was going to get any respect, I had to act like I deserved it.
[montage:]
Chris: Tuck in your shirt.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That felt good.
Chris: [slams two bullies against a locker] Hey! You want to fight so bad, fight the power.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That felt even better.
Chris: [trips a boy] Run by here again, you're going to get more than a citation.
Chris: No shades.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's blind.
Chris: No snacks.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, didn't you see me come down just now?
Joey Caruso: Yeah.
Chris: So what, you're not going to slap my books out of my hand call me Chim-Chim, Yafat and Roscoe?
Joey Caruso: Oh, uh, I got to go to class.
Chris: Well, take this with you.
Joey Caruso: What's this for?
Chris: I don't know, Bing, you tell me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wonder if this is how the first Black cop felt.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: I'm not part of the hall monitor program. But, as a friend, I think you should slow down a bit.
Chris: Why? You just said I was impressive.
Ms. Morello: To me, yes. But to the rest of the students... Well, they hate you.
Chris: They've always hated me.
Ms. Morello: True, but they used to hate you because you were Black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And because I'm Black.
Chris: So what do you mean?
Ms. Morello: You judo-flipped Rodney for wearing a hat.
Chris: And I'm just doing my job.
Ms. Morello: I know how aggressive the down trodden can get when they get a little taste of power. But, Chris, you're just a hall monitor. Calm down.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later, I was trying to learn what R-E-S-P-E-C-T meant to me.
Chris: Dad, how do you get respect?
Julius: Respect? You got to earn it.
Chris: How do I do that?
Julius: By being the type of person that deserves respect.
Chris: But what if I am and people still don't respect me?
Julius: If you were, then that wouldn't happen.
Chris: But how am I supposed to earn respect if people don't respect me?
Julius: Respect yourself.
Chris: And how am I supposed to do that?
Julius: Do you respect me?
Chris: Sure.
Julius: But what if you didn't? Then what would I do?
Chris: Break my arm.
Julius: That wouldn't make you respect me, Chris. That would make you scared of me. When you respect people, you aren't afraid of them. When you're afraid of them, you don't respect them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my mother stopped talking, my father started listening.
Julius: How was work today?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's all she needed to hear.
Rochelle: You won't believe what happened today.
Julius: What happened?
Rochelle: Well, see, I was supposed to take my lunch break at 1:00, but then all of a sudden Charmaine decides that she wants to go at 12:30.
Julius: 12:30?
Rochelle: Mmm-hmm. She did it on purpose, too. She knew I was hungry and didn't have a break.
Julius: And she knew that?
Rochelle: Uh-huh. And not only did she take it for one hour, she took it for an hour and eight minutes.
Julius: An hour and eight minutes?
Rochelle: Yes. I told you she was crazy.
Julius: Yeah, she's crazy. Going to leave at 12:30 for an hour and eight-minute lunch and you ain't had a break.
Rochelle: See, that's what I'm saying. Crazy.
Julius: What's wrong with her?
Rochelle: I don't know.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Greg: What about your hall monitor post?
Chris: I quit.
Greg: Why?
Chris: Either people are going to respect me because I'm Chris or they're not. Either way, I'm still me.
Greg: That's cool. So who's going to replace you?
Chris: Don't know, don't care.
Joey Caruso: Here you go. [hands Chris a citation]
Chris: What's this?
Joey Caruso: WWB: Walking while Black.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Greg: This is so awesome.
Chris: Yeah, I know, and the best thing is, I'm finally going to get some respect.
Joey Caruso: Watch out, Othello.
Greg: It'll be different when you get your armband on.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, if I wrap it around a baseball bat.

Quote from Chris

Mrs. Milone: Chris, your job begins the moment the bell rings.
Chris: I know, and I'm supposed to keep things orderly. If anyone breaks a rule, I'm supposed to issue a citation.
Mrs. Milone: The first citation is considered a warning. The second is detention, The third is suspension.
Chris: And most importantly, after that second bell rings, any student out in the hall has to have a hall pass.
Mrs. Milone: Correct. Here is your citation book and your armband. Good luck.
Chris: Now, what if I give someone a citation but they don't want to take it?
Mrs. Milone: Issue them a citation.
Chris: But if they didn't take the first citation, why would they take the second?
Mrs. Milone: If you get a citation for not taking citation, that's another citation and that's an automatic suspension.
Chris: But what if?
Mrs. Milone: If you have any more questions, pretend I'm still here and I said, "Issue a citation."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd like to issue a citation upside her head.

Next Page 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode