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‘Everybody Hates Eggs’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Eggs

211. Everybody Hates Eggs

Aired January 22, 2007

Chris has to take care of an egg as if it were a baby for a class project. Meanwhile, Julius is on a mission to find out why the electric bill has gone up.

Quote from Monk

Monk: What you got in this bag, boy? What kind of rations you got?
Chris: Careful! It's not lunch. It's an egg.
Monk: Hey, man, what's that, a booby trap or something, man?! You trying to kill me?They must have sent you to kill me, didn't they? You been ordered by my commanding officers, huh?
Chris: No, it's my class project. I'm supposed to take care of it like it's a baby for a week. And if anything happens to it, I get an "F."
Monk: What you mean, "If anything happens"? I'll tell you what happens. Try landing a helicopter at night in the middle of a sandstorm in the Iranian desert. "If anything happens." What if they don't tell you there's a sandstorm, huh? "If anything happens." What if your commanding officer doesn't tell you you'll be taking fire from the left or to the right or there's even going to be a sandstorm? "If anything happens." It's because you're commanding officer sent you on a mission that he knew was going to fail! "If anything happens." Boy, if all you got to do is take that egg and carry that egg around for one week and keep it alive? Boy, you don't know how good you got it. [scoffs] "If anything happens."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What you talking about, Monk?
Chris: Sure do hope you're right.

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Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Growing-up in Bed-stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.
[montage:]
Rochelle: Boy! Is that a baby?
Drew: No, it's a football.
Rochelle: Is that a baby?
Tonya: No, it's a shoebox.
Rochelle: Is that a baby?
Chris: No. It's baby carrots.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day my mother has never seen my kids.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: I have an announcement to make. We have a new addition to the family.
Julius: What? You having a baby?
Tonya: He ain't sleeping in my room.
Rochelle: I'm not having a baby. Chris did.
Tonya: I thought you said if we bring home a baby, you'd slap the Similac out of us.

Quote from Monk

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc was out of town, so he left his nephew Monk to watch the store.
Monk: I'm closing at 1900 hours, so keep sweeping and finish stocking the shelves.
Chris: 1900 hours?
Monk: It's seven o'clock. Don't your parents teach you anything?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Monk had been part of a famous failed military operation in the early '80s and was very suspicious of authority.
[flashback:]
Elevator Operator: Watch the closing doors.
Monk: Now, why should I believe these doors are going to close? Because you said so? Well, what if they don't? Then what? Are you gonna issue me a public apology? Do I get to hire me a new elevator operator? And what about all the other men and women that died because of these supposedly-closing doors?

Quote from Ms. Morello

Greg: What's CJH? Is that my egg's initials?
Ms. Morello: No, that's my Corleone Junior High stamp, so I'll know you don't switch eggs. Now, look inside your baskets and you'll see see the name of your partner for the week. Chris, we have an uneven number of boys and girls, so I thought I'd make you a single father. I know it's something you can relate to with your childhood and all.
Chris: I have a father.
Ms. Morello: Oh, I know, Chris. If only your mom knew his name. Just so you embrace this project to the fullest, I brought something special for you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If it's my baby's mama, I hope she doesn't have feathers.
Chris: A brown egg?
Ms. Morello: They're all the same on the inside.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.
Woman: [o.s.] Omar, I need more bubbles!
Mr. Omar: Got to go. [tosses the egg back to Chris]

Quote from Julius

Julius: This can't be right.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what he said when I was born.
Rochelle: What's wrong?
Julius: Have you been using more power? This electric bill is $25.83 more than usual.
Rochelle: How am I supposed to know how much power I'm using?
Julius: Well, you take the amount of time you use an appliance and divide the required wattage to power it by the current cost of kilowatt hours.
Rochelle: Am I supposed to do that before or after I file for divorce? Kilowatts.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mom thought "kilowatts" was a riot in the '60s.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Ah. There are the eggs.
Julius: Now, see? That's what's running the bill up. You just used 11 cents worth of electricity. Why can't you figure out what's in the refrigerator before you open it?
Rochelle: Because I can't see through the door.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was trying to raise my baby, my father was trying to lower the electric bill.
[in the living room, Julius turns off the TV :]
Drew: I was watching that.
Julius: I've seen it; Rosebud's his sled.
[in Tonya's room, Julius unplugs her boombox:]
Tonya: I was listening to that.
Julius: I've heard it; the baby's not his.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Got that right.
[in the kitchen, Julius turns the dial down on the toaster oven:]
Rochelle: That's too low. That's gonna take all night to cook.
Julius: You can eat in the morning. Combine breakfast and dinner. Call it brinner.
Rochelle: You have officially lost your mind. [Julius takes a picture of the refrigerator] What's that?
Julius: A picture. Now you can figure out what you want and where it is before you open the fridge.
Rochelle: Well, what about if I take something out?
Julius: Then you just cross the item off the picture.

Quote from Risky

Risky: Teach this baby the difference between the knockoffs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.

Quote from Adult Chris

Ms. Morello: You have to name it, feed it, watch it at all times, and plan its future.
Joey Caruso: What if we break it?
Ms. Morello: This is worth 25% of your grade, so if you crack, break, lose or eat your baby, it's an automatic F.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Okay, but if our egg misbehaves, can we beat it?

Quote from Chris

Chris: That egg is my school project.
Rochelle: What are you talking about?
Chris: The egg is my baby. I'm supposed to take care of it for a week and then give a report on what it's like to be a father.
Rochelle: So what's it doing in my refrigerator?
Chris: Just chillin'.
Rochelle: You're not funny.

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: I'm just gonna leave it in there until it was time to turn it in and give the report. I already know what I'm gonna say. It's an easy "A."
Rochelle: An easy "A"? So you think that taking care of a baby is easy?
Chris: No, but it's not a baby. It's an egg.
Rochelle: But your assignment is to take care of this egg as if it were a baby. Do you think I left you in the refrigerator whenever I had something else to do?
[fantasy: a garage:]
Woman: Is it bad?
[Rochelle rolls from underneath the car on a creeper with a baby at her side]
Rochelle: Not if you got a thousand dollars. Ain't that right, baby?
[fantasy: Rochelle is welding in a workshop with a baby in a high chair:]
Rochelle: [whistle blows] Break time, baby. Break time.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since the baby I brought home was just an egg, my mother decided to make sure I got the full baby experience so I didn't bring home a real one.
Rochelle: Chris, wake up. The baby's crying.
Chris: What's wrong?
Rochelle: You got to change his diaper.
[later:]
Rochelle: Chris, wake up. The baby's crying.
Chris: What's wrong?
Rochelle: He's hungry.
[later:]
Rochelle: Chris?
Chris: Huh?
Rochelle: The baby's crying.
Chris: Is it hungry?
Rochelle: No.
Chris: Is it wet?
Rochelle: No.
Chris: What's wrong with it?
Rochelle: He's got gas.

Quote from Jerome

Jerome: Hey, little dude from across the street. Let me hold your bag.
Chris: No, man, you don't want this. It's just an egg. It's for a class project. I'm supposed to act like it's my baby.
Jerome: Oh, yeah? That's very inventive. I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.
Jerome: Listen, if you ever have any problems with child support, come talk to me. I can help you save some money.

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