Doc: Are you keeping out of trouble?
Malvo: I'm trying to. Man, I heard y'all got robbed.
Doc: Yeah. That fool got twelve dollars, and my pickled eggs. Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Doc: Hey, where are you going with my quarters?
Police Officer: It's evidence now. Stand back, sir.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doc never did, get his quarters back. Later that year, the Bed-Stuy Police Department won a video game tournament.

Doc: You're looking for macaroni on Thanksgiving Day? Man, that's like looking for candles on Hanukkah.

Doc: You know, when I was young, I was a real player. I dated women wherever I could find them. Oh, yeah, I was what you'd call a serial dater. I went out with thousands of women. They all cried when I left. But they'd all take me back in a second.
Chris: No, I didn't know that.
Doc: I dated all the pretty women in Syracuse.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Both of them.
Doc: Then I dated all the pretty women in Albany.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now we're up to three.
Doc: Then, I dated all the pretty women in Pittsburgh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Okay, we're back at two.
Doc: But I know it's hard to look at old Doc and think of me in that way, but I'm a real lady killer.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I knew one thing for sure: nobody at school was writing about this.

Doc: Chris, I hear your father got Employee of the Month down at the paper.
Chris: Yeah.
Doc: They still giving out their free dinners?
Chris: Uh-huh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Subtlety was not Doc's strong suit.
Doc: Uh, that's usually for six people, right?
Chris: Uh-huh, I'm thinking about asking Tasha to go.
Doc: Oh, Tasha.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 'Cause she looks better in a dress.

Chris: See, that's what I don't get. I don't understand why girls like you to treat them bad.
Doc: Chris, women are crazy. They think just because they get a bad boy, they'll be so special that they'll be the only ones to make him treat a girl nice. It's just like trying to climb Mount Everest. Every now and then, somebody does it, but they usually end up in a snow cave, chewing on their own leg.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Analogies were not Doc's strong suit either.
Chris: Are we still talking about girls?
Doc: Chris, all I'm trying to say is Slaver Slav figured it out. If you want a girl to go crazy over you, be like Mount Everest. Be difficult.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Try to get to her to eat her own leg off.
Doc: And whatever you do, don't be nice.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And again I say there's a reason why Doc lives alone.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Deciding to go to the dance was easy. Getting somebody to go with me was a lot harder.
Chris: Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?
Doc: You just did. [laughs] I'm just playing with you, Chris. Now, what it is?
Chris: I have to ask a girl out to the dance. I was wondering if you could give me some tips.
Doc: Asking is easy. Not getting turned down, that's the hard part.
Chris: How do you not get turned down?
Doc: The girl has to say yes.
Chris: What makes them say yes?
Doc: You never know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, you do: money, fame, cars, jobs and diamonds.
Doc: But look, look, you got to take your chances. If she says no, ask somebody else. That's how I ended up with my first wife.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's how he ended up divorced.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew learned you can't teach an old Doc new tricks.
Drew: Doc, what happened?
Doc: I couldn't figure out why Chinese people put hot sauce next to peanut butter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And your fortune inside a cookie.
Doc: So I changed everything back. Money won't do me any good if I go crazy before I try to spend it. So I said "Sayonara" to feng shui.
Drew: Sayonara isn't Chinese. It's Japanese. Hey, I just read this thing about this new Japanese food called "sushi." It's supposed to be the next big thing in America. Maybe we could sell it here.
Doc: Sushi?
Drew: Yeah, it's like raw fish wrapped in seaweed and rice.
Doc: That sounds as good as hamburger made out of turkey.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do I have to tell you Doc went broke?

Doc: What you looking for, Chris?
Chris: I'm trying to find my father something for Father's Day.
Doc: Father's Day. My daddy liked guns, liquor and women.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess he liked jail, too.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Asking Greg out was one thing, but Yvette was a whole 'nother story.
Risky: When you ask a girl out, you've got to have your game together.
Doc: Chris, look, a woman got a lot of choices, so you got to show her something that separates you from the other guys.
Risky: Mmm-hmm. Well, I've got the perfect thing for you: Drakkar Noir. Drives the ladies wild. Four dollars.
Doc: You can't sell that in here.
Risky: Why not?
Doc: 'Cause I'll break your other arm. Here, try this one. [sprays Chris] Yeah. That's just five dollars. [Chris coughs]