Bernard Yao: I'm failing math. I got work to do. I don't have time for this.
Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?
Bernard Yao: What, just because I'm Asian, I have to be good in math? You're Black, can you moonwalk?
Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And, no, I can't moonwalk.
Bernard Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.
Chris: I don't like watermelon.
Bernard Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.
Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.
Bernard Yao: I don't own a dry cleaners.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I bet you like rice.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Wanting a letter was one thing, figuring out how to get it was a whole other story.
Chris: How am I supposed to get a letter in a sport when I'm terrible at sports?
Greg: Maybe there's something a guy like you would be good at.
Chris: I need a sport without water, balls, hoops, hurdles, bats, cleats, clubs, gloves, tracks, fields, weights or boards.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Isn't that cheerleading?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After watching The Invisible Man, I managed to do in a few hours what it was taking Greg a few days to do.
Greg: So how do you like the book so far?
Chris: Oh, it was great. I already turned in my report.
Greg: Already turned it in? I'm only, like, halfway through the book. I've never seen you crank out a book report this fast.
Chris: I didn't read the book. I watched the movie.
Greg: Wait, what movie?
Chris: The Invisible Man. You know, the guy drinks the serum, disappears.
Greg: Dude, the movie The Invisible Man has absolutely nothing to do with the book Invisible Man. I don't know what you wrote, but whatever it is, you better hope Ms. Rivera doesn't read it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too bad I didn't write that paper in invisible ink.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Dr. Raymond pulled me out of detention because he thought talking to me would keep me out of trouble.
Dr. Raymond: Son, I know things are rough for you here. But just because you don't have a father...
Chris: But I do have a father.
Dr. Raymond: Well, when your mother is on drugs...
Chris: My mom's not on drugs.
Dr. Raymond: I understand, but being born a crack baby is no excuse.
Chris: I wasn't born a crack baby.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted this to be a good night for my parents. And I didn't want my father to think I couldn't handle things. So, I decided to keep everything that happened to myself.
Julius: You know, Yvette, are you free next Friday?
Chris: No, no, no, no, no! She left us to go get a baby. But then when she came back, she burnt your chicken. So then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby. He said his name was Mario and he was the baby's father. So then when he left, she came back, and the baby wasn't here. So then she went too get baby back, her mother came the door looking for her and the baby. So then they had a big fight about where to live. She said she'd live at Mario's house. Who is Mario?! So then when she came back, she started braiding Tonya's hair. Drew got to watch the game, you guys came back. She's trying to make it look like everything was all peachy and fine. It's not!
Julius: I told you we should have let Chris baby-sit. Girl, give me my money back.
Rochelle: I'm going to kick her ass. Hold my wig.

Greg: So it worked?
Chris: Yep. I told my mother that Miss Morello was busy, and I told Miss Morello that my mother was busy. That was that, and I'm just glad it's over.
[When they walk into the class room, Chris sees Rochelle sitting on a chair at the back of the class]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They say when you're about to die your life flashes right before your eyes. Well, here's what mine looked like.
[footage of a plane crash, a stunt car crashing, a boxer getting hit in the face]
[fantasy:]
Greg: Dude, you're definitely not in there.
Tonya: Bye, Chris. Don't tell any lies when you get to heaven.
Drew: Hey, Chris, can I have your comic books?
Julius: That's a $2 pair of underwear you're messing up.
Joey Caruso: Rest in peace Toby.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] From there, we tried performing arts school.
Chris: [sings] Fame! I'm gonna live forever I'm gonna learn how to fly
Performing Arts Teacher: Next!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We looked into Hebrew school.
Chris: [sings] Hava Nagila Hava Nagila Hava
Hebrew School Teacher: Next!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] We even tried old school.
Chris: [sings] I said-a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie To the hip hip hop-a you don't stop the rock It to the bang-bang boogie, say up jump the boogie To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat
Old School Teacher: Next!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem. Hey, listen.
[montage:]
Boy #1: You promised you take us to a Knicks Game.
Boy #2: You promised I get new locker.
Custodian: You promised I'd get a raise.
Lunch Lady: You promised I'll get a shave.
Boy #3: You promised we'll get some real meat.
Boy #4: [speaks Spanish]
Girl: What are you gonna do about it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had no idea what I was going to do. So I did what all great leaders do.
Chris: I'll get right on it. I promise.

Joey Caruso: All right, Kingfish, you got the floor.
Chris: Okay, over the past few days, rumors have been circulated about me. The press have put out stories saying that I'm guilty of a lot of things.
Joey Caruso: Are you done?
Chris: No. I didn't do any of those things. I'm not a crook. Nevertheless...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After talking to Greg, I imagined what my father would say to me.
[fantasy:]
Julius: So you're just gonna quit, huh? All these people who made it possible for you to become the first Black class president, and now you're just gonna quit?
Tuskegee Airman: Yeah, and what if we quit? Black people would never have become pilots.
Aunt Jemima: If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap!
Cream of Wheat Man: If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would have been called Cream of White!
Uncle Ben: If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.
Julius: Chris, I know you don't think being eight-grade class president is a big deal, but one day, it will be.

Doc: You can make macaroni and cheese out of anything. All you got to do is...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whenever anyone says, "All you have to do is" the next thing they say is always something impossible.
[fantasy: Chris and a man are wearing bomb squad uniforms as they crouch in front an explosive:]
Man: Dismantling a bomb is easy. All you have to do is identify the ground wire, pull out your cutters and snip. You try it. [runs away]
[fantasy: Chris and a man are on top of a building:]
Man: Base jumping is easy. All you got to do is make sure you have enough distance from the base before you pop your chute. [voice echoing] You try... [thud]
[fantasy: A man is on the street juggling:]
Man: Juggling chainsaws is easy. All you have to do is keep one saw in the air at all times. [chainsaw buzzes] [screams]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All you have to do is learn to live with one hand.
Chris: Hey, you want me to go get somebody or something?