Carlos Santini: Now, before we begin, I'd ask you to put aside any scepticism and open your hearts. That is all I need.
Mary: Of course.
Carlos Santini: Well, that and £7.50.
Gerry: What?
Carlos Santini: Each.
Gerry: Seriously?
Aunt Sarah: We always we knew we'd have to cross his palm with silver, Gerry.
Gerry: It's not the silver that I'm bothered about. It's the paper.

Carlos Santini: She has the most beautiful head of hair.
Aunt Sarah: Thank God.
Carlos Santini: She has a message for you.
Mary: Go on.
Woman: [o.s.] Kevin!
Carlos Santini: She wants me to tell you...
Woman: Kevin. Will you bloody answer me?!
Carlos Santini: I'm with clients, Mother.
Woman: Have you seen my green scarf?
Carlos Santini: I'm busy.
Woman: Where is it? I'm going to be late for bingo.
Carlos Santini: I'm trying to communicate with the dead, Mother.
Woman: If you've taken that scarf again, you'll be f*cking dead.
Carlos Santini: Wonderful, she's leaving. You're scaring away the spirits, Mother!
Woman: Get a real job, you useless bastard.
Carlos Santini: This job pays for your fecking gambling problem, you ungrateful old bag.
Woman: Where the fuck is my scarf?
Carlos Santini: [opens door] Take it! Take the fucking scarf! [closes door]
Woman: I knew it!

Mary: Has Mammy gone?
Carlos Santini: I'm afraid so.
Mary: You said she had a message.
Carlos Santini: Yes, well, I'm only getting bits and pieces. Something about water. Something in water, something under water. [gasps] A box. A red box. [whimpers] I'm spent.
Gerry: You're a conman, Kevin.
Mary: Gerry!
Carlos Santini: Look, perhaps if you were to make another appointment...
Gerry: And fork out another 30 quid?
Carlos Santini: Naturally.
Gerry: I'm out of here. And I'm taking the Kimberleys.

Joe: No mention of a razor, I suppose?
Carlos Santini: I'm afraid not.

James: You're brave, wandering about down here on your own.
Erin: Yeah, well, Orla was spooning me, and there's nothing scarier than that.

Orla: Oh, look, it's Robert.
Michelle: Robert who?
Orla: You know Robert Robert and Annie Robert. Dead Robert.
Erin: What?! Jesus!
Michelle: He looks absolutely raging.
James: What's that in his hand? Is it... is it a hammer?!
Erin: He's coming over.
Orla: Will we stick the kettle on?

James: He's hammering at the door! Like literally, with an actual hammer.
Clare: Arm yourselves!
Erin: Piss off! Piss off or I will tray you to death, you bastard.
Clare: He's already dead!
Erin: Shite!

Declan: You shouldn't be here.
Clare: Be gone!
Erin: He's not a vampire, Clare!
Declan: This is my house.
Michelle: Throw water on him. Ghosts can't handle water. He'll melt like a motherfuck.
Erin: That's witches!
Declan: Get out!

Michelle: Get him down. Get him down on the ground.
James: He's quite solid for a ghost.
Michelle: Sit on him.
Declan: Get off me!
Michelle: Now what?
Clare: Why is he just taking it? Why doesn't he just, like, vanish and appear in another part of the room?
Michelle: Well, don't give him any ideas, Clare. Maybe he's just a shit ghost.
Declan: I'm not a shit ghost!
Michelle: Pipe down, Robert.

Erin: James. I think... I think Michelle's right.
James: Well, that's always difficult to hear.
Erin: I'm sorry.
James: It's OK. I can wait.