‘Episode Three’
Season 1, Episode 3 - Aired January 18, 2018
After the girls fail to study for a history exam, they latch onto an apparition to get them out of the test.
Quote from James
Father Peter: Anyone else? Yes, James.
James: Is that a firm hold gel you're using there?
Father Peter: It's a mousse.
James: And where do you...
Father Peter: Hair and Flair.
James: Oh, I didn't realise!
Father Peter: They do a men's range, yes.
Quote from Michelle
Michelle: How do you know Our Lord doesn't think he's a dick?
Father Peter: Our Lord doesn't think anyone's a dick.
Michelle: I very much doubt that.
Father Peter: But it's the truth.
[later:]
Michelle: Marti Pellow.
Father Peter: No.
Michelle: Paddy Ashdown?
Father Peter: No.
Michelle: Your man from Funhouse.
Clare: Pat Sharp.
Michelle: Pat Sharp. Pat Sharp's definitely a dick.
Quote from Sister Michael
Mary: I also have a question, pretty boy. Why are you encouraging all this?
Father Peter: I wouldn't say I'm encouraging it, I'm just open to the possibility.
Mary: Well, I'm not. Not unless I see some cold, hard evidence.
Father Peter: And maybe it's there. Proof at last, Peter, proof at last.
Mary: Is he all right?
Sister Michael: I wouldn't say so, no. He's a priest, like.
Quote from James
James: Peter! Peter, Peter, where are you going? Peter, wait. I've got the most amazing news. I've had a calling. I've decided to follow in your footsteps. I've decided to serve God.
Father Peter: Don't be such a dick, James.
Quote from Erin
Michelle: So he's just gonna pack in the priesthood now, is he? Like, completely?
Erin: Well, you can't exactly go part-time.
Orla: All because of us.
Erin: Not all because of us, Orla. I mean, a bit because of us. But mostly because it turns out he had a connection with one of the colourists in Hair and Flair, who does our Sarah's forwards, by the way. And apparently she's a dirty tramp. So, you know, good luck with that, Peter.
Michelle: At least your ma was all right with dog piss gate. I thought she was gonna go fucking nuts.
Erin: Let me put it this way. I have locked my mother in a cage designed by her own art. Oh, she has been well and truly hoist by her own petard.
Michelle: Could you put it another way? I didn't understand a word of that.
Erin: I'm sort of blackmailing her.
Michelle: Oh, happy days.
Quote from Sister Michael
Sister Michael: [on the phone] Could you put me through to sister Thomas, please? Tommy! How are ya? Yeah, not too bad. A retreat? I dunno. I have judo on Friday, don't like to miss it. I'll tell you why I'm ringing you, so we've had an alleged apparition here this morning. Well, it's in the weeping statue category. Sure, I know. Yeah, apparently there was a smirk as well. I mean, I'm not sure what Our Lady of the Sorrows has to be smirking about, but that's by the by.
Quote from Orla
Michelle: It is mental out there. Everybody's talking about it! Dennis gave me free pick and mix! Bon bons an' all. No fucking about, like! We're basically celebrities now. We're like The Corrs.
Orla: Can I be Jim?
Quote from Michelle
James: Have you seen this?
[James hands Erin a local newspaper, the front page of which features a picture of the group under the headline "Wicked Hoax"]
Erin: Jesus Christ!
Michelle: No, this is good. "Wicked" means "good" in England, doesn't it, James?
James: But we're not in England, though, are we, Michelle?
Michelle: And my tits look amazing in that top.
Erin: Well, sure, that's the main thing.
Quote from Orla
Orla: Don't cry, Erin. He's in a better place now. Unless he's not, you know. Unless he's gone to hell.
Quote from James
James: I have a slight concern the truth might affect my friendship with Peter.
Clare: You don't have a friendship with Peter.
James: Yes, I do! We have a lot in common, Clare.
Clare: Like what? I mean, apart from the fact you appear to be wearing his clothes!
James: Like the fact that we're both very spiritual, but mainly the fact that he doesn't think I'm a dick, and neither do I.