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‘Woody Gets an Election’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Woody Gets an Election

1121. Woody Gets an Election

Aired April 22, 1993

When a city councilman up for re-election, Kevin Fogerty (Philip Baker Hall), visits the bar, Frasier is so fed up with politicians who don't say anything that he figures he could put Woody on the ballot and get at least 10% of the vote.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: I don't know if I can handle a debate, Dr. Crane. I'm not very good at rendering my opinions.
Frasier: Nothing to worry about, Woody. Just tell some more of those farm stories, people seem to love those. If that doesn't work, just say the word "change" about a hundred times. Come on, let's go to my place and work on it. Trust me, Woody, with my brains and your smile, who knows how high we can go. Congressman, senator... [breathily] Who knows?

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Quote from Woody

Frasier: Thank God I got to you in time! I've got to talk... What are you reading?
Woody: Well, I'm boning up on the Constitution in case I ever decide to run for Congreff.
Frasier: It's Congress, Woody. In colonial times, the S's looked like F's.
Woody: Oh. Well, if I'm elected, that's the first thing I'm gonna change.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, holy moly, guacamole, Normie.
Norm: Hey, what? Huh?
Cliff: See that guy down there? I think that might be Spanky McFarland from the old Little Rascals.
Norm: Get out.
Cliff: Yeah, I think so.
Norm: Really?
Cliff: Hey, I'll go ask him. I'll go check it out. [humming The Little Rascals theme] Hey, how are you doing, Sid?
Spanky McFarland: Hi.
Cliff: Hey, uh, my name's Cliff Clavin.
Spanky McFarland: Hello, Cliff.
Cliff: You know, I... I know you've probably heard this a thousand times before, but you do resemble that, uh, child actor Spanky McFarland from The Little Rascals.
Spanky McFarland: Well, that's because...
Cliff: 'Cause I'm one of Little Rascals fan there ever was. I mean I've got every episode on tape, you know. Well, except "Free Eats" and, uh, "Captain Spanky's Showboat."
Spanky McFarland: That's great.
Cliff: Yeah, Alfalfa, Darla, Buckwheat. [chuckles] Hey, I got to confess, I had quite a big crush on Darla. I'll tell you, you know, if you were Spanky, boy, I could sit here and chew on your ear for hours, you know, about the, you know, "Happy Birthday, Mr. Hood" and the "He-Man Women Haters Club." And remember the sound the cake made coming out of the oven? Was it... [makes groaning noise] Huh? So, uh, are-are you Spanky?
Spanky McFarland: Nope.
Cliff: Ah. Take care. Catch you later.
Norm: You are Spanky, aren't you?
Spanky McFarland: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, that's, uh, Mr. Kevin Fogerty, our city councilman. He's been there for three consecutive terms. Running for re-election now; Nobody dares run against him. He's also very, very rude to, uh, voters who call with perfectly normal and good suggestions.
Man: Okay, Mr. Clavin, remember the rules: You have to keep at least 50 feet from Mr. Fogerty at all times.
Cliff: Yeah. All right, just to be safe, I'd better go back in the pool room.

Quote from Norm

Carla: I remember Fogerty.
Norm: Hmm?
Carla: He was here a couple of years ago trying to get our votes.
Norm: Oh, yeah. He bought me a beer.
Frasier: Did you vote for him?
Norm: He bought me a beer.

Quote from Frasier

Kevin Fogerty: [to people at a table] Something has to be done, and the time is now.
Frasier: There he goes, spouting a bunch of meaningless platitudes. Sure enough, the people are lapping it up like milk. Oh, the mentality of the voter in this country fascinates me. Someday, I ought to do a paper about it.
Sam: What's- What's your problem with Fogerty? He's not a bad guy.
Frasier: Oh. All right, Sam. Why don't you ask him a question? I'll bet you ten bucks all he gives you is some meaningless politician's rhetoric.
Sam: Yeah, all right. Come on. You're on. Excuse me, uh, Mr. Fogerty, sir. Could l, uh, speak to you for a second?
Kevin Fogerty: Mm-hmm.
Sam: I'm Sam Malone; I'm the owner of the bar. And, uh, got a question for you. I'm a small businessman, and I was just wondering, uh, when is this economy going to turn around?
Kevin Fogerty: I'm glad you asked that. I say now is the time to roll up our shirtsleeves and get to the bottom of this. The only way we're going to defeat this thing is if we all do it together.
Sam: [to Frasier] I think you owe me ten bucks.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: And why, exactly, should I vote for you, Mr. Fogerty?
Kevin Fogerty: Well, because I'm a hard worker. I take a stand.
Frasier: On what exactly?
Kevin Fogerty: The issues of the day.
Frasier: Which are?
Kevin Fogerty: The things that concern you and your family the most.
Sam: [to Frasier] I think you're making an ass out of yourself.
Frasier: I am not! I simply want the councilman to say one concrete thing.
Kevin Fogerty: Yes, I understand. You don't trust me. A lot of people don't trust politicians. I know how it is. I have been out there.
Frasier: But what does that have to do with...
Kevin Fogerty: May I finish, please? Maybe we need someone to blame. Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems, then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all. Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror. Because if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work the way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord. You may remember it... it's called America!
Sam: Yes! Bravo! [cheering, applause]
Frasier: But he didn't say anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point. The voters of Boston are sheep!
Woody: Oh, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, step one of my plan is complete. Woody Boyd is now on the ballot for City Council.
Sam: I'll be damned. How'd you do that?
Frasier: Well, it was really no trouble at all. I simply stood out in front of a supermarket with a petition. When people asked me who I was supporting, I said, "Woody Boyd, the man who stands for the American way." Well, the sheep couldn't sign their names fast enough.

Quote from Woody

Holly Matheson: Let's start with our police force. Morale is at an all-time low. Officers are underpaid and overworked. What do you plan to do?
Woody: Well, I don't know much about big city stuff. I was raised on a farm.
Holly Matheson: Oh, I get it. This is your hook. You're the innocent farm boy telling the big city slickers to clean up the barn and all that farm crap.
Woody: Well, no, it's not crap. If you don't clean up the barn, you get rats.
Holly Matheson: Yes, yes. So in other words, it's time to clean up city hall.
Woody: Well, I'm just saying that, uh, if you let the rats go, then, uh, you know, pretty soon you don't have a barn. You just have kind of a... a rat place.
Holly Matheson: Okay. So if we don't do something now, we'll lose our fair city. Blah, blah, blah.
Woody: You know, my Grandpa Boyd caught a rat the size of a pig. Or was it a pig the size of a rat? Well, either way, it was a big hit at the county fair.
Holly Matheson: So what you're saying is, there are no easy answers.
Woody: Well, not for me, there aren't.
Holly Matheson: You really believe this farm stuff, don't you?
Woody: With all my heart.
Holly Matheson: Well, it's kind of a cornball message, but you just might be the kind of guy who can sell that stuff.
Woody: Oh, thanks, ma'am. [goes to shake her hand as she walks away]
Frasier: Woody, that was absolutely brilliant.
Woody: [scoffs] Some reporter. She didn't even want to ask me about politics.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [on the phone] Hi. I'd like to tell you about candidate Woody Boyd. He's challenging the status quo, and he's listening to the voters for a change. And while I have you on the phone, could I get two large pizzas with everything?

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Woody, I'm sorry. There's one thing I've got to tell you. Listen, you have got to withdraw from the election.
Woody: What do you mean, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Well, aside from the nagging feeling that your election might actually mean the extinction of all life as we know it, you're just not a politician.
Woody: Yeah, but you said it would be easy. In fact, you said not being a politician was my hook.
Frasier: I know, Woody, I'm sorry. Listen, I- I shouldn't have led you on. I guess I was just drawn in by the promise of power.
Woody: Oh, but, Dr. Crane...
Frasier: No, no "but, Dr. Cranes". Now, Woody, just listen to me. Listen, the right to vote is it's far too sacred to cheapen by some some vain psychological experiment. I mean, your winning an election without knowing anything at all about politics it would just make a mockery of the entire democratic process. Woody, you have to withdraw.
Woody: Well, there's no sense in arguing with you, Dr. Crane. I mean, next to Mr. Clavin, you're the smartest guy I know. But what about the debate? They're expecting me to go over there.
Frasier: Woody, you'll just have to make a a simple speech and gracefully bow out.
Woody: Oh. Well, I guess you're right, Dr. Crane. Gotta do what I gotta do. It's too bad, though. I was really looking forward to being a good city councilman and working hard to make sure that every person in my district was ensured life, liberty and the purfuit of happineff.

Quote from Woody

[on TV:]
Woody: Fact is, I'm really not much of a politician. In fact, I really don't know much about anything. I... I... I don't know, I just... I just wanted to [crying]... Thought it'd be nice to be a city councilman. I mean, I'd do a good job, too, I promise! [sniffling] How bad could I screw up? I mean, it's not like a councilman could declare war or anything! I- I couldn't, could l? It's just one vote! I mean, would it kill you to vote for me?
Kelly: Oh, don't cry, Woody!
Woody: Oh, well, this is this is my wife Kelly, and she deserves better than just a simple bartender.
Kelly: Oh, it's all right. I love you, Woody.
Woody: I love you, too, Kelly.
Kelly: In fact, we both love you.
Woody: Both?
Kelly: Yes. This probably isn't the ideal time to tell you, but you're gonna be a daddy.
Woody: I'm gonna be... [laughs] I'm gonna... Did you hear that, everybody? I'm gonna be a daddy! [laughs] I'm gonna be a daddy!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains. I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten percent of the vote.
Woody: [chuckles] Whoa. Two Hanover things in one day?
Sam: You're exaggerating a little bit, aren't you?
Frasier: No, no, Sam, I'm not. Look, you know what? I'll go you one better. I'll bet we could put Woody on the ballot and get ten percent of the vote.
Sam: Yeah, all right, I'll take ten dollars of that.
Frasier: All right, you're on. You know, come to think of it, this would make a fascinating study of voter psychology. I submit, if we just put Woody's name on the ballot, circulate a few posters of his attractive smiling face over some meaningless slogan, come election day, we'll get ten percent of the vote! [people groaning]
Sam: Come on, man.
Frasier: Oh, oh, okay! I'll prove it to all of you. I'll start the process of getting his name on the ballot this very afternoon.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Oh, I- I don't know, Dr. Crane. I'm not so sure I want to get mixed up in all this.
Kelly: Mixed up in what, Woody?
Woody: Well, Dr. Crane wants me to run for City Council.
Kelly: Oh, Woody, that's a wonderful idea.
Woody: It is?
Kelly: I'd be so proud if you were a politician.
Woody: Uh, Kelly, l- l- l'm not gonna get mixed up in politics. Uh, you live your life in a fishbowl. Everybody hates you. The press is always criticizing you. There's no way I'm running for public office.
Kelly: All right, Mr. Stubborn. From now on, you can dance naked in front of the lava lamp all by your lonesome.
Woody: Well, maybe just one term.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: I also put up about, uh, 300 of these guys here.
Sam: 300, you think that's going to be enough?
Frasier: Well, there's no need to go crazy. I only need to get ten percent of the eligible vote.
Cliff: Well, in that case, why don't you just put them up on Carla's headboard?
Carla: Oh, Clavin, Clavin, Clavin. When are you going to learn? See, now I have to retaliate.
Cliff: No, you don't have to, Carla. You know, we... We could just, uh, don't even say anything, you just forget all about it, huh?
Carla: I can't forget; You know that.
Cliff: All right. Well, uh, just get it over with fast, then, will you? [Carla hits the back of Cliff's head with her bar tray] Yeah, all right. Thank you.
Carla: No, that's for even asking. You can't hurry an artist. [laughs]

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