‘What Is... Cliff Clavin?’
Season 8, Episode 14 - Aired January 18, 1990
When Jeopardy! comes to Boston, Cliff auditions to be on the show. Meanwhile, Sam's little black book is stolen.
Quote from Carla
Carla: Hey. Alex Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Hello.
Carla: Ah, I've seen you on Jeopardy! You're even cuter in person.
Alex Trebek: Oh, thank you very much.
Carla: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Alex Trebek: Sure.
Carla: Do all you popular game show hosts know each other?
Alex Trebek: Oh, I see what you're getting at. The answer is, no, I don't know Vanna White all that well.
Carla: Good. Then you'll believe me when I tell you that I'm better than her in bed.
Alex Trebek: Will you excuse me?
Carla: Hey, I can turn over letters you've never seen before.
Quote from Norm
Norm: Sammy, any sign of the book down there?
Sam: No. Are you sure that, you know, one of you guys didn't like just pick it up and browse through it? I'm not going to be mad.
Norm: Come on, Sam. Trusting the book with us? That's like trusting the H-bomb with a pack of spider monkeys.
Quote from Woody
Norm: Hey, Sam. Any luck with the book?
Sam: No. Woody, anything in the lost and found?
Woody: Well, all we got is... An old umbrella, a couple gloves that don't match... Oh, hey, my socks.
Quote from Frasier
Woody: Hey, are you guys going to see Mr. Clavin play Jeopardy!?
Norm: I don't know, Wood. I really can't decide.
Frasier: So you go, cheer him on. You know, it would help him to have a friendly face in the audience.
Norm: So are you going?
Frasier: Well, I promised Lilith I'd stay at home and clean the dog's ears.
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: Hi, guys. Guess you heard the story? I guess everybody knows by now, huh? I'm nothing but a loser.
Pete: Oh, it's OK, Cliff. We understand.
Cliff: I can't believe I lost on Jeopardy!
Pete: Oh, you were on Jeopardy!?
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: All these years, you know, coming off like a big genius. Big know it all. Ha. And that game has been a big part of my life. And because of my greed, I went out and desecrated that glorious American tradition known as Jeopardy! I'm worthless. I'm no good.
Norm: Oh, come on, Cliff.
Frasier: It's a game show, for God sakes.
Woody: And you blew $22,000.
Norm: What a Jonah.
Woody: Can you believe this guy?
Frasier: Pitiful.
Quote from Sam
Boy: Hey, mister, mister? Have you seen a girl wearing a black leather miniskirt?
Sam: Huh. Check the roller rink. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You wouldn't happen to be Sam Malone, would you?
Boy: Who wants to know?
Sam: As a matter of fact, I do. [shows his ID]
Boy: Wow, what a coincidence. Well, see ya.
Sam: [grabs him by the jacket] Whoa, whoa, sit down, will you? Hey, fork it over. Want to just slip that right in there. Thank you.
Quote from Sam
Rebecca: Excuse me a second. I'm Rebecca Howe, the one you called on the phone. Now you seem like a nice adolescent. I have a question for you. Why do you call up these women and make dates with them and then not show up?
Boy:Well, I wanted to date them, but I'm just a kid. And after all, I was afraid they wouldn't take me seriously.
Rebecca: Isn't he precious?
Sam: So how come you showed up this time?
Boy: Well, I thought it might be easier with her since there's only one star by her name.
Rebecca: What?
Sam: The first star's free. You got to earn the rest.
Quote from Sam
Sam: You don't start out a full-blown babe hound. You got to start out as a babe pup. Now, there have got to be girls your age running around that school that you can call. Huh?
Boy: I guess you're right, Mr. Malone. And, listen, I'm sorry I didn't return your book when I first found it, sir.
Sam: Oh, that's no problem. Look, tell you what I'm going to do here. I'm going to give you $25. Why don't you go off and get a decent haircut, huh? And don't forget. Tip the shampoo girl.
Boy: Hey, thanks. [exits]
Sam: Yeah, fine. Get out of here now. [chuckles] Makes me feel kind of good to turn a kid like that around.
Rebecca: Yep, you're a regular Father Flanagan.
Sam: Well, you know what I always say, there are no bad boys, just boys with bad haircuts.