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‘Uncle Sam Wants You’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Uncle Sam Wants You

927. Uncle Sam Wants You

Aired May 2, 1991

Sam starts to feel like there's something missing in his life when he spends time with Frasier and Lilith's son, Frederick. Meanwhile, Rebecca goes on a series of job interviews to try get away from Cheers.

Quote from Paul

Paul: I don't care what he names it as long as he doesn't bring it in here. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's babies.
Woody: Oh, come on, Mr. Krapence. Wouldn't you like a helpless little guy all soft and cuddly who you could burp every once in a while?
Paul: [looks at Norm] Yeah, we need another one of those.

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Quote from Woody

Frasier: Afternoon, all.
Woody: Hey, Dr. Crane. Dr. Sternin-Crane. And little Frederick Crane-Sternin-Crane-Crane. What can I get you? I know I could use a glass of water.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: It was Sam. Frasier, you've got to do something. Every day he gets here a little earlier, and every night he leaves a little later.
Sam: Well, darling, he, he is a friend of ours.
Lilith: It's getting so we can't make love in the morning.
Frasier: I didn't know we could make love in the morning.
Lilith: We can't. It was just a "for instance." The point is I don't like people seeing me in my nightgown. It undermines my authority.
Frasier: I really wouldn't worry about that.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Say, Frasier. Whew! Weirdest thing just happened to me. I could have sworn I just, uh, just had a conversation with Elvis Presley.
Frasier: Well, Sam, I've had, uh, four or five patients that have had the same experience. I'll simply... simply tell you what I told them. The man is dead.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Hey, Frasier. Hey, Freddie, we're gonna watch the cartoons.
Frasier: That wasn't Sam Malone, was it? Please tell me that was an armed intruder.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Come on, what's wrong?
Sam: Do you think guys have a biological clock? You know, like they know when it's time to have a kid?
Carla: Oh, yeah. Usually when they say, "Hey, Carla, you want to go out tonight?" Come on. What's on your mind?
Sam: Well, I've been thinking. You know, I'm... I'm not that young anymore. It's not that I'm old. It's just that I'm not young. I'm not old-old. I'm just youngish. You know, I'm, I'm a youngish man.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, wait a minute. Here you go. Now, this could work out. What am I doing? What am I gonna say? I have to figure out how to word this. Hold on a second. Excuse me, miss? Uh, can I ask you a question?
Daria: Sure.
Sam: All right, just hypothetically, now, say someone you've been dating, you know, a couple times calls you up to say, uh, "Hey, we had some laughs together. What say we have a baby?" Now, I'm not talking commitment here; don't misunderstand me. You know, maybe yes, maybe no. The picture is: get pregnant, have the baby, give it to me, go away. Uh... You know, just offhand, how would you react to that?
Daria: How would I react if a guy called me up and asked me to be a breeder for him? To be sort of an incubator for his seed?
Sam: Yeah, exactly. W-Wait a second. Let me, uh... Let me get a pencil. I want to write this down. Okay. [she throws a drink in Sam's face] Okay, "incubator." "Breeder." Red-flag words.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, guys, mail's in. All right, let's see Mr. Peterson. Mr. Peterson. Mr. Peterson. Occupant. Mr. Peterson. Mr. Boyd. Oh, hey, that's me. Oh, yeah, I ordered this weeks ago. This is a whole big book of crossword puzzles.
Norm: All right. Well, let's check them out.
Woody: Hey, this is great because it has all the answers in the back so we don't have to worry about all those confusing clues. All right, one across. "Penguin." Penguin?
Norm: Hey, hey, hey, it fits.
Cliff: All right!
Norm: Hey, these are great once you get the hang of them, huh?

Quote from Rebecca

Woody: Oh, hey, Miss Howe. You look nice. What's the occasion?
Rebecca: Well, I just signed up with an executive placement agency, and I have all sorts of interviews lined up this afternoon. I feel really great about it. I'm finally gonna get myself out of this brain-dead mausoleum. Oh, no offense, guys.
Norm: Huh?
Rebecca: Well, I'm off.
Woody: Good luck, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Thanks, Woody, but I don't need it. I'm wearing my lucky dress. I can't lose. Hi, Sam. I'm off to get a job. Nothing can stop me now.
Sam: In that?
Rebecca: Oh, who am I fooling? They're not going to hire a loser like me.

Quote from Carla

Lilith: We're having quality family time.
Frasier: That's right. I canceled every single one of my appointments today.
Lilith: And I called in sick to the lab. I placed some gauze over the telephone and altered my voice so as to appear ill.
Carla: And the Oscar goes to...

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: So, we decided to have a lovely afternoon with a picnic, and now we're off to go fly a kite.
Sam: Oh, hey, I noticed it was windy, too. I went out and I got little Frederick this kite, huh? What do you think? I've got an idea. Why don't we, uh, why don't we go try these babies. I'll be right back. I'm gonna get my jacket.
Lilith: Sam is tagging along? We need some time to ourselves.
Frasier: Well, you know, darling, it is Sam.
Lilith: Frasier, am I going to have to play "bad cop?"
Frasier: Now, let me understand are you saying that up, up until this point, you've been playing "good cop?"

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Frasier, do something.
Frasier: Well, my love, let's... Let's try to use some insight into what Sam's going through. His affection for Frederick is not unusual under the circumstances. After all, he's an aging playboy who is just now coming to realize that he has nothing, and that he's got no progeny left to carry on his name. And that is a frightening revelation for any man.
Lilith: Frasier, it's 5:55 in the morning.
Frasier: The heave-ho.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Sam, look, as much as we adore you, and are happy that you've taken such an interest in Frederick, we, we're just not getting enough private time to ourselves.
Sam: Oh, say no more. I understand. You guys want to be alone. Sure, tell you what. Why don't, uh, Freddie and I go over to my apartment and you can catch up with us later?
Lilith: No, no, Sam. You misunderstand. We're not saying that we want to be intimate with each other right now.
Frasier: God forbid while the sun's up.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Well, I'm thinking about thinking about being a dad.
Carla: What?
Sam: Yeah. You know, I've been playing around all my life and, I don't know, you know, maybe I'm missing something.
Carla: Have you thought about getting a dog?
Sam: I don't want a dog. You know, I want someone to be with, to, to take care of, to watch grow.
Carla: Have you thought about getting a plant?

Quote from Carla

Sam: You don't think I'll be a good father?
Carla: Oh, no, no, I think you'd be a great father. Do you have a mother picked out?
Sam: No, not really.
Carla: Oh. Does that mean, uh, you're not going to ask me?
Sam: Well, I'm, I'm sorry. You know, I didn't think of that. Yeah, would you?
Carla: What are you, nuts? Do you think I'm gonna go through labor an eighth time because you're a little lonely? Selfish bastard.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Aw, you know, with me it doesn't matter. What the heck? I know a hundred women. [chuckles] What am I talking about? I know thousands of women. What am I talking about? I know tens of thousands of women. Wait, wait, wait. What am I talking about?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sam come on, now, just think about this for a minute. Do you really, really want this?
Sam: Yeah, I really, really want this.
Carla: Come on, Sam. Do you have any idea what it means to have a kid? It's changing dirty diapers and getting spit-up stains on those shoulders of your best clothes, and... and ear infections in the middle of the night, and shoving antibiotics down their throats, and worrying about them every day and every night for the rest of your life. How does that sound?
Sam: Sounds cool.
Carla: [chuckles] Yeah. It is, kind of.
Sam: Would they, like, really spit it up on, um, leather?
Carla: [chuckles] Oh, they know fabrics.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, uh, if it's a boy, I just hope he names it Clifford Clavin Malone.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Isn't this sweet? My son and his baby-sitter passed out in a bar.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Oh, come on, Sam!
Sam: What? No, why? Why not? I mean, think about it. You and I are good friends. Hell, you're my best friend. And we've been through a lot together, and, you know, you you have a lot of love to give, and you're a handsome woman.
Rebecca: Well, l- l'm flattered. But I'm just... I'm not ready to have a baby, Sam, you know? I got a lot of things left to do in my life.
Sam: Yeah? Like what?
Rebecca: Like a lot.
Sam: Well, all right, name one.
Rebecca: Well, like I had always planned on growing old and, you know, dying alone.
Sam: You can still do that.

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