‘Two Girls for Every Boyd’
Season 8, Episode 9 - Aired November 23, 1989
When Woody gets the lead in a play, he has trouble achieving chemistry with his co-star Emily (Lisa Kudrow). Meanwhile, the guys at the bar have a beard-growing contest.
Quote from Woody
Woody: Hey, everybody, that was the director of my community theater! I finally got a lead in one of our plays! [cheering] First, I get a bike when I'm 10, and now this? Boy, l...
Rebecca: Woody, what part are you going to play?
Woody: Oh, I'm playing George Gibbs from Our Town, kind of a naive, small-town guy who's a little shy and sort of backward. Can you believe they chose me?
Woody: Oh, this is really exciting. The girl who's playing Emily is a terrific actress. I mean, actually, she's got kind of an advantage because her real name is Emily.
Rebecca: Ah.
Woody: She don't even have to learn to answer to a different name.
Cliff: Oh. I guess you'll be doing all the real work, then, huh?
Quote from Woody
Rebecca: All I can say is it's about time. You have lugged coffee around and sold tickets in that theater long enough.
Woody: Just paying my dues, Miss Howe. Boy, this is a big night for me. Who wants to help me paint the town? [the guys follow]
Cliff: All right!
Norm: Yeah!
Cliff: Hey, where we going, Wood?
Woody: To the theater. I'm in charge of the scenery and I got to paint the town. [the guys turn back to the bar]
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: Good man, Wood. After all, being a proud member of the theater world is nothing to be ashamed of.
Carla: How would you know?
Frasier: Back in my university days, I once trod the boards, most memorably as man number two in our production of Can-Can.
Woody: I didn't know that, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh, yes. It was the only time I seriously considered giving up psychology for the arts, but I couldn't disappoint my Father. No, sir, not him. I remember opening night. I stared breathlessly out from behind the curtain to see if he'd taken the seat I'd left for him. But he was too busy with his experiments to show up. Always involved with those damned experiments.
Norm: Your dad was a scientist, huh?
Frasier: No. He was a white rat. Of course he was a scientist, you nit! You see, my father wanted me to go into psychology... He insisted on it. At the time, I hated him for it. Then he died before I had a chance to realize that he was right, and I never got to tell him. It's funny, isn't it?
Woody: [laughs] That's a good one, all right, Dr. Crane!
Frasier: Woody... I meant "funny" in a sad, ironic way.
Woody: Ha! I know! Those kill me!
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: All right, losers. Let's count the hair on our chinny-chin-chins.
Carla: Come off it, Clavin. If you expect us to believe you grew that phony beard overnight, you're as stupid as you look.
Cliff: No chance of that, Carla. No, this righteous facial moss is pure Clavin.
Carla: Yeah, baloney! [pulls Cliff's beard]
Cliff: Ah!
Carla: This thing is really on there.
Cliff: Hey, all right. Knock it off! Come on, guys, I told you. I told you Clavin hair grows in spurts. It runs in the family. As a matter of fact, Grandpa Clavin... He used to let us hang from his beard. No, wait a second. Grandpa Clavin died when I was 6. Who was that guy?
Quote from Cliff
Carla: Hear ye, hear ye. Here are the results you've all been waiting for. And the winner is...
Rebecca: [scoffs] Cliff Clavin.
Norm: Oh, man.
Cliff: Hey, surprise. Well, we know it's not fixed.
Carla: But you should be.
Rebecca: Well, don't look at me, you guys. He passed all the tests.
Cliff: Yep, I'm going to go call my barber... Yeah, yeah, yeah... Tell him I won the contest in spite of that inch he trimmed off my beard.
Frasier: Well, I suppose it's time we shave.
Norm: Yep.
Frasier: To tell you the truth, I'm going to kind of miss the old beard.
Norm: Yeah. I rather enjoyed looking like a macho, grizzly, gnarly kind of guy that my wife wouldn't come near with a 10-foot pole.
Cliff: [on the phone] Yeah, I'd like to talk to somebody about one of your industrial adhesive products.
Quote from Woody
Kelly: Look, I'm really sorry. When I get miffed, the adrenaline just goes crazy.
Woody: Kelly, I didn't tell you about the play because I thought you might be uncomfortable seeing me kiss and hug another woman.
Kelly: Come on, Woody. I've seen plays before. I can't believe you didn't trust me enough to understand.
Woody: I didn't want to take the chance of something coming in-between us. You're my girlfriend. I love you, Kelly.
Emily: Why can't you say it to me like that?
Woody: Well, I don't love you; I love Kelly.
Emily: Can't you pretend I'm Kelly?
Woody: Would that be OK, Kelly?
Kelly: Well, all right. But just for the play.
Quote from Woody
Woody: I'm sorry. I just can't look you in the eyes when I say that.
Emily: Well, why don't you try starting on something else? Just say it to the air.
Woody: I love you, air.
Kelly: Great! All right. Now say it to this guy.
Woody: I love you, Tecumseh. Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this. I love you, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Thank you, Woody.
Woody: I love you, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: Well, Woody, it takes quite a man to admit that.
Woody: I was just acting.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. So was l.
Quote from Sam
Rebecca: Sam, you're 7 minutes late.
Sam: Oh, boy, I wish I was more like you. But I just can't seem to find the time to sit around, watching the minutes tick by while I get older, realizing that I've wasted my life.
Rebecca: I meant roughly 7. So what's your excuse?
Sam: Well, I had a date last night I was 7 minutes late for and I just could never catch up.
Rebecca: And I suppose you didn't have time to shave this morning?
Sam: Oh, sorry. I forgot.
Rebecca: Sure, you forgot. It wouldn't happen that you think that looks sexy, would it?
Sam: No. Really, I just forgot. It looks sexy, huh?
Quote from Rebecca
Sam: Oh, what are we talking about here, a beard-growing contest?
Carla: You got it.
Cliff: What do you say, Sammy? 20 bucks?
Sam: What the heck. I haven't had a beard for a while, and it's all in good fun. It really looks sexy, huh?
Rebecca: Oh, yeah. Yasser Arafat always gets me hot.
Quote from Carla
Carla: OK. I'll be the judge. You have one month, starting today. Your beards will be rated on length, body, fullness, luster, sheen, and bounce.
Sam: "Bounce"? How you going to judge bounce?
Carla: You'll see.