Diane: Sam, I know you to be a man of pride and principle, but strength is also to be found in the ability to bend. Witness the willow, nature's strongest tree.
Sam: No, I thought the oak was the strongest tree.
Diane: Only in furniture.
Sam: What about the saying "strong as the mighty oak"?
Diane: The oak can be felled by a single harsh wind under the right circumstances.
Sam: All right, but what about birch and mahogany? Now, those--
Diane: Would you shut up about the damn trees?
Sam: You brought them up.

John: People, people, it's getting late. Now no one admires the sight of a beautiful young bride more than l, but the lunch rush is the lunch rush.
Sam: Say John, I... I bet you'd like to meet Carla's first husband.
John: [takes a look at Nick] Oh, my God!
Nick Tortelli: Nice to meet you. [offers his hand]
John: Please. My profession requires that I handle food.

John: Sa-am, we have a problem.
Sam: You know, I got to be honest with you, John. The way you pronounce my name really bugs me.
John: How would you like me to pronounce it?
Sam: Sam, just Sam. You try it.
John: Sa-am...
Sam: All right, John, uh... What would you say if you were going to order a ham sandwich?
John: I don't eat ha-am.

Frasier: All right. Gather around, everyone. I am going to right a horrible wrong. I am going to read to you Dickens' classic, A Tale of Two Cities, and you will see just how much fun great literature can be. [all groaning] "Book the First. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Norm: Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?
Frasier: Just stay tuned, Norm.
Norm: "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity."
Cliff: Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he?
Frasier: "There was a king with a large jaw, and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England." [the guys turn around] "And... and..." "...and there was a bloodthirsty clown, who beckoned innocent children into the sewer, and swallowed them whole."
Cliff: Ah! That's a neat trick.

Woody: Oh, Sam, check it out! Sheepskin covers!
Sam: What are you doing, man? Why are you buying all this vinyl cleaner, leather cleaner? I mean, sheepskin? You don't even have a car.
Woody: I know, Sam, but most of my furniture comes from the interior of cars. I've got to be careful when I shave because objects may be closer than they appear.

Sam: How much are you going to take before you realize this guy is no good for you?
Rebecca: I don't know, Sam. How much does it take when you're in love with someone? You know, I've heard stories about you and that Diane girl. You put up with her for 5 years. 5 years! What about that?
Sam: Sweetheart, if I could have sent her to prison, don't you think I would have?

Cliff: You know, this, uh, getting up in the middle of the night with a crying baby stuff, that's... That's the reason I never had kids.
Norm: That's the only reason, huh, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, and the fact that my mother taught me to have a healthy respect for the evils of overpopulation, Normie. Yeah, you know what? I can still remember her looking at me and saying, "For the love of God, Cliffy, let it stop with you."

Frasier: Excuse me, Rebecca, may I have your honest opinion about something you know, as a woman who has fatally bad taste in men? Do you think I'm a... good boy?
Rebecca: Frasier, you have to stop doing this to yourself. Why do you feel inferior to Sam just because you're good? You know, I agree with that talk-show host. Give me a comfortable pair of old ratty house slippers any day.
Frasier: So that's how it is. Now I'm a pair of ratty old house slippers. At least this afternoon, I was an old shoe. You could at least wear me outside, maybe do a little gardening.
Rebecca: Frasier, I did not mean to imply...
Frasier: You think I can't be dangerous? Is that it? You all think I'm just an old slipper? Well, am I a good boy? Would a good boy do this? I am running with scissors. I'm going swimming right after lunch. I'm leaving now. I'm going outside. I'm going to pet strange dogs, no matter where they've been. Look out, world, Frasier Crane's going to raise some hell.

Brenda Balzak: Ladies, look, let's keep this a civilized discussion. If you have points to make, we'll take them in an orderly fashion. [a woman raises her hand] Yes.
Woman: I have a question of a more serious nature.
Lilith: Oh, good.
Woman: What does Sam look like with his shirt off?
Women: [chant] Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!
Brenda Balzak: Ladies, please. Let's get hold of ourselves.
Lilith: Now, this is the perfect example of what a bad boy like Sam can do to a room full of good girls like these fine women. One can't help but be attracted to his steely glance and the strength therein, to imagine the warmth of his skin pressed against ours, his arms pinning us down so we can't move. One sees his full lips and imagines what they must feel like slightly moist... Tugging at ours. Before long, one's feeling a little dizzy, and, oh, for God's sake, Sam, let the buttons fly. [lunges at Sam]

Brenda Balzak: Frasier, how would a date with you go?
Lilith: Brenda, I find this line of inquiry sensationalistic and not at all pertinent to my thesis.
Frasier: Oh, no, that's all right, dear. I think I'd like to answer the question. Well, a date with me would, I'd say, be jolly good fun. [silence] Ironically, actually, I might add, that I used to date, actually, an old girlfriend of Sam's.
Brenda Balzak: So she preferred you to Sam.
Frasier: Oh, yes. Well, uh... That is, until she broke up with me and got engaged... To Sam. You know, I'd like to add in my defense, the woman was nuts.