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The Spy Who Came In for a Cold One

‘The Spy Who Came In for a Cold One’

Season 1, Episode 12 -  Aired December 16, 1982

When an Englishman comes into the bar claiming to be a spy, Diane sees right through his ruse and embarrasses him.

Quote from Diane

Diane: [on the phone] May I speak to him? This is Diane Chambers. He's chatting with John Updike? Well, interrupt. No, I'm not kidding. I have something that is going to make John Updike seem like pretty small pommes de terre.
Sam: Uh, Diane, I wouldn't do this if I were you.
Diane: Yes, I'll wait. [to Sam] Would you leave me alone, please?

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Quote from Cliff

Diane: Mr. Finch, he really should hear this directly from you. Would you come over, please. What is your best work?
Eric Finch: Well, there's a little something that I dashed off this morning that I'm proud of.
Diane: Wonderful. [on the phone] Hello, my name is Diane Chambers. Yes, I know you're very busy, but I have a wonderful surprise for you. Please would you just listen for a moment.
Norm: Verse alert, Cliffy, strap yourself in, pal.
Cliff: Uh-oh. Dive, dive.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Mr. Finch, whatever, I don't know what your real story is, and the last thing I want is for you to tell me, but I wanna thank you for entertaining us here tonight. I'm really glad you came. [shakes hand]
Eric Finch: Thank you, Sam. My real name's Thomas Hilliard III.
Sam: Well, whatever.
Eric Finch: Well, you have a very charming saloon here.
Sam: Thank you. I'm glad you like it.
Eric Finch: And to show you how much, I'd like to buy it. [Sam laughs] How much is it worth to you, Sam?
Sam: This guy's not gonna give up. Wait, let me guess. Let me guess. You are an eccentric millionaire who hangs around bars and tells stories about himself to have fun with people, right?
Norm: Kinda like Howard Hughes, Mr. Hilliard?
Eric Finch: Don't mention that name. He died owing me money. Well, Sam, how much? [all laugh]
Sam: Well, gee, this is kinda sudden. Let's see, I guess, 20, 30 people come here every night. $1 million seems fair to me.
Eric Finch: You've got it.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, I think you're forgetting the jukebox.
Sam: He's right. I'm sorry. $2 million.
Eric Finch: I think you're taking advantage of me, Sam. [hands check]
Sam: Hey, look at me everybody. Scratch a bartender, find a millionaire.

Quote from Sam

Diane: This is not funny any more. [rips up Sam's check] I was right about him from the start. He's a sick, sick man with a very warped sense of humor. He doesn't care who he hurts. I won't take it anymore. He's a pathological liar.
Chauffeur: [enters] Excuse me, Mr. Hilliard.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Chauffeur: I just wanted to let you know I'm here with the car.
Eric Finch: Thank you, Robert. I'm ready to go. I'm sorry we couldn't do business, Sam.
Sam: Million and a half and I'll throw in a blonde waitress.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Oh, Sam, will you ever be able to forgive me?
Sam: Come on, I'd never sell this place.
Carla: Hey, I got the date.
Diane: I've never felt so abused. I was wrong every step of the way. I thought he was lying when he was telling the truth and thought he was telling the truth when he was lying. From now on, I will not believe anything anybody says on any subject.
Sam: Oh, come on. You don't mean that. You serious?
Diane: You bet I am.
Sam: You know, I think I'm falling in love with you.
Diane: Really?

Quote from Sam

Diane: Mr. Finch, I am awestruck.
Sam: Me, too. Great.
Diane: Please, tell us more.
Sam: Oh, maybe not so soon after the first one. Maybe give us a chance to rub down the goose bumps.

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