Sam: Mr. Finch, whatever, I don't know what your real story is, and the last thing I want is for you to tell me, but I wanna thank you for entertaining us here tonight. I'm really glad you came. [shakes hand]
Eric Finch: Thank you, Sam. My real name's Thomas Hilliard III.
Sam: Well, whatever.
Eric Finch: Well, you have a very charming saloon here.
Sam: Thank you. I'm glad you like it.
Eric Finch: And to show you how much, I'd like to buy it. [Sam laughs] How much is it worth to you, Sam?
Sam: This guy's not gonna give up. Wait, let me guess. Let me guess. You are an eccentric millionaire who hangs around bars and tells stories about himself to have fun with people, right?
Norm: Kinda like Howard Hughes, Mr. Hilliard?
Eric Finch: Don't mention that name. He died owing me money. Well, Sam, how much? [all laugh]
Sam: Well, gee, this is kinda sudden. Let's see, I guess, 20, 30 people come here every night. $1 million seems fair to me.
Eric Finch: You've got it.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, I think you're forgetting the jukebox.
Sam: He's right. I'm sorry. $2 million.
Eric Finch: I think you're taking advantage of me, Sam. [hands check]
Sam: Hey, look at me everybody. Scratch a bartender, find a millionaire.

Diane: This is not funny any more. [rips up Sam's check] I was right about him from the start. He's a sick, sick man with a very warped sense of humor. He doesn't care who he hurts. I won't take it anymore. He's a pathological liar.
Chauffeur: [enters] Excuse me, Mr. Hilliard.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Chauffeur: I just wanted to let you know I'm here with the car.
Eric Finch: Thank you, Robert. I'm ready to go. I'm sorry we couldn't do business, Sam.
Sam: Million and a half and I'll throw in a blonde waitress.

Diane: Oh, Sam, will you ever be able to forgive me?
Sam: Come on, I'd never sell this place.
Carla: Hey, I got the date.
Diane: I've never felt so abused. I was wrong every step of the way. I thought he was lying when he was telling the truth and thought he was telling the truth when he was lying. From now on, I will not believe anything anybody says on any subject.
Sam: Oh, come on. You don't mean that. You serious?
Diane: You bet I am.
Sam: You know, I think I'm falling in love with you.
Diane: Really?

Diane: Mr. Finch, I am awestruck.
Sam: Me, too. Great.
Diane: Please, tell us more.
Sam: Oh, maybe not so soon after the first one. Maybe give us a chance to rub down the goose bumps.

Jack: Nah, for me, the smartest animal's a pigeon. A thousand cars on the turnpike, they find mine.
Norm: No, I have to give my vote to the ants.
Jack: How do you figure that?
Norm: You ever see those farms they build?
Jack: Yeah.
Norm: Well, they build those things without plans. To ants. For all you do, this one's for you.

Carla: Hey, Diane, why don't you just shut up?
Diane: Carla, he's been lying to you. OK?
Carla: No, he hasn't. Hey, you are not a history expert, you majored in poetry. Tell her you haven't been lying, Eric. [he's silent] Hey, tell her you haven't been lying, Eric.
Eric Finch: She's absolutely right.
Carla: You've been lying the whole time?
Eric Finch: The whole time.
Norm: Let me get this straight. Cold weather does not make women passionate? [Eric shrugs] I'll see Vera in the spring.