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‘The Magnificent Six’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Magnificent Six

1104. The Magnificent Six

Aired October 22, 1992

When Henri takes a temporary job at Cheers, he challenges Sam to see who can get he most phone numbers from women. Meanwhile, Sam sends Rebecca to a doctor to try quit smoking.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Hey, Cliffie. What you doing?
Cliff: Uh, writing a letter of application for the Eco pod.
Norm: What the heck's the Eco pod?
Cliff: It's a totally self-contained environment located in a mile-wide bubble underneath the desert floor. Yeah. It's gonna be inhabited by the best and the brightest of the, uh, human species, so I- I thought I'd apply.
Carla: They're gonna have a zoo in there, too?
Cliff: Yeah. Yeah, very funny, Carla. You'll be laughing out of the other side of your face when they make me Postmaster General of the Eco pod.
Frasier: Actually, the Eco pod does have some scientific merit. It was designed by a colleague of Lilith's, Dr. Louis Pascal. It will serve as a prototype for the colonization of space. Plus which, the grant money is incredible. I hear Pascal's driving a Lexus.
Cliff: Boy, I sure hope I get a shot at being sealed up in that thing.
Carla: Say, would a petition help?
Cliff: It might.
Alan: Hey, I'll sign that.
Carla: No! I'm first!
Norm: Okay.
Cliff: Boy. [weepy] You guys are the best friends a fellow ever had.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, Henri, let me be your first customer, okay? I would like a beer, please, and put it on my tab.
Henri: Aren't you supposed to pay when served?
Norm: Well, as long as we're bringing up the matter of debt, Frenchie, let me bring up a couple little things called World War I and World War ll, okay? Now, why don't we subtract the cost of my puny little beer from the enormous debt that you owe us?
Henri: Okay, okay.
Cliff: Hey, uh, you came down pretty hard on him, didn't you, Norm?
Norm: Damn it, Cliffie. My dad was almost in the army.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Normie, now that Sammy's dead, you realize we're gonna have to live vicariously through Henri?
Norm: No, Cliffie. Just say we stopped living vicariously through others, huh? What do you say we get off our duffs for once, and live ourselves, so that some other poor slubs can live vicariously through us? Huh? What do you say we... [laughs] Oh, shoot! Damn, I nearly got through it, too!
Cliff: You were good.
Norm: Yeah.
Cliff: I thought you were gonna do it!

Quote from Cliff

Henri: I got another one, Sam!
Sam: Hey! Hey! The whole issue is closed, Henri. I'm not taking the bet.
Henri: Oh, very well, I give up. I won't bother you again. After all, what can I expect from an American? You are all fat, lazy, stupid. All you want to do is watch TV, eat fast food while your easy women are scooped up by handsome foreigners like myself.
Cliff: That tears it! You've just drawn blood on the US of A, pal!
Norm: Cliff, calm down.
Cliff: Calm down, nothing! Sammy might be missing in action, but on behalf of this great nation, I'm gonna go out there and collect more telephone numbers than that sleazy Frenchman! What about it, men? Are you with me?
Tim: You know, I'm usually afraid of girls, but it's for America!
Phil: Me, too!
Cliff: Then let's go!

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Aw, shoot.
Carla: I guess Henri wins.
Henri: I win! I win! France has won! France has won!
Frasier: There's something you never hear.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Yeah, well, he can get all the numbers he wants. I'm not going to stoop to his level.
Frasier: Bravo, Sam. You handled that very well. It's good to see that you've evolved beyond the playboy mentality of bedding every woman you meet. Times have changed and you've wisely changed with them. I applaud that.
Sam: Oh, well, I appreciate that. Thanks. Thanks very much.
Frasier: [to the guys] Well, the king of babes is dead. What the hell are we supposed to do now?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Okay, Carla, I'm ready. Bring in the kit. [Carla struggles to carry a large tool box] Before you open this thing, I want you to know this is a one-shot deal, tonight only. In this box is the Sam Malone I used to be.
Carla: Sammy, if you've outgrown all this stuff, why do you keep it?
Sam: I thought maybe one day I'd have a son.
Carla: [gasps] Sam! Oh! Sam! The first edition of your little black book.
Sam: Yeah.
Carla: Oh! [gasps] Your Members Only jacket! Oh, Sammy, a picture of you and Elvis!
Sam: Yeah, yeah. The chicks really love that.
Carla: What kind of cologne is that?
Sam: It's a special blend; Old Spice, Hai Karate and something that takes spots out. I'm not really sure.
Carla: Well, I'll leave you to prepare.
Sam: Yeah. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in!

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Uh-oh. Isn't that Henri, that jerk who's always trying to steal Kelly from Woody?
Alan: You know, I just don't like that guy.
Tim: Con artist.
Cliff: Yeah, Mister Frenchie Two-Face.
Henri: Hello, fellows!
All: Hey, Henri! How's it going?

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: I know, I know, and I've tried to quit, but it's too hard- I just can't!
Sam: Yeah, well, you need some professional help. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, here we go. "Smokers Anonymous," "Smoke Beaters." Oh, yeah, yeah. "Doctor Kluger's No-Mercy Clinic."
Rebecca: Wait a minute. Let me see that.
Sam: Here we are.
Rebecca: Sam, he doesn't even have an ad; it's just his name. How about going with this one with the cute little smoking kitty?
Sam: [on the phone] Yeah, uh, is this, uh, Dr. Kluger? Well, my name's Sam Malone, and I have an employee that needs to stop smoking right this very minute. Can you help me out? Yeah, tell me about your program. Oh! Ow! Boy, I bet that hurts, huh? Wow, I bet you really have to be a doctor to do that, don't you? Uh, no, no.
It sounds terrific. Yes, I can. All right, great! Thank you very much. [hangs up]
Rebecca: Sounds good.
Sam: Oh, yeah.
Rebecca: I'll fit it in in my spare time. Maybe I'll stop by next week.
Sam: No, you don't understand, hon. We got to get you up to the sidewalk right now. They're sending the, uh, Kluger van.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, I like you. It's nothing personal. As a matter of fact, I think of you as kind of a young Sam Malone.
Henri: Uh, don't you mean, you're kind of, uh, an old Henri?
Sam: No, I don't.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Norm.
Norm: Yeah?
Carla: Tell the bartender I need a vodka-rocks.
Norm: Sammy, Carla needs a vodka-rocks and a beer.
Sam: Carla, will you cut it out with this "tell the bartender" stuff? It's me, Sam.
Carla: Sam is dead. He died, when he wouldn't take the challenge from Henri.

Quote from Sam

Cliff: Look at Sammy just standing there. Maybe Henri's right. Maybe he is a [French accent] scaredy-cat.
Sam: You guys don't get it, do you? You know, it's I've done all this babe-chasing stuff. All right, here- Here's what it is. It's like- It's like watching The Three Stooges. You know? You watch the early ones with Curly, and they, they were magic! And then- Then you watch the later ones, you know, where they're using the same jokes with Curly Joe, and it just breaks your heart! See, what I'm saying is I guess, you know, you- you've got to move with the times. That's all.
Norm: Well, listen to the scaredy-cat knocking Curly Joe.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Say what's the, uh, tote board for? I thought Sam wasn't gonna take that bet.
Norm: Well, he wasn't, but then Henri turned it into a big grudge match France versus the USA. At the last hour, Sam stepped in for our side.
Frasier: Damn, and I missed it! I was home teaching my kid to read! I could kick myself!

Quote from Cliff

Sam: You know, that's just childish. Can we please just talk about anything besides this damned bet?
Cliff: Yeah. Okay, how about this? What would, uh, Metropolis be like if Superman retired? Oops! One thing wrong with that scenario. Superman gives a damn.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sammy, when is Woody getting back from his honeymoon? I've been working a double shift for two weeks, and I'm exhausted. [to a customer] Oh, thank you. Come again. [to herself] Oh, my God, who am l?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, Henri, what can I do for you?
Henri: Uh, I need a favor, Sam. I need you to tell the Unemployment Office that I applied for a job, and you turned me down. [Sam laughs]
Carla: Sammy, come here.
Sam: What?
Carla: Listen, why don't we hire the guy? That would help me out a lot.
Sam: Oh, I- I don't know about that.
Carla: Henri, did you ever tend bar?
Henri: Well, yes, but...
Carla: You're hired.
Henri: No, no, but you are missing the point. You are to turn me down and send me on my way so that I might spend my afternoon watching television.
Sam: I'm sorry, man, but I need the help. Thanks.
Henri: Zut alors. Okay, give me an apron. Oh, mon dieu. I am filling Woody's shoes. Oh, the pressure.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Say, can I bum a cigarette?
Rebecca: Yeah, I got one right... Oh, God! Sam, I swear, I swear.
Sam: I can't believe you.
Rebecca: No, this is the only one that I've had!
Sam: You promised me you would not smoke in the office. We had a little problem with that, remember? Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Whoo! Whoosh!

Quote from Rebecca

Dr. Kluger: So, you're the girl who likes to smoke.
Rebecca: You don't intimidate me. I've been to a million of these places, and they don't work. I'm out of here.
Dr. Kluger: Oh, well, fine. Go. You're free to leave.
Rebecca: No doorknob.
Dr. Kluger: [laughs] Yeah, that's right, Miss Howe. Because you have the key, and the key is discipline.
Rebecca: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm scared. Why don't you just save yourself some time and unlock the door?
Dr. Kluger: Uh... All right, Miss Howe. Relax. Have a seat. [chuckles] Why don't you have a cigarette? In fact why don't you have, a thousand cigarettes? Now you are going to smoke until you can smoke no more. But I predict you will not get past 50. No one has ever gotten past 50.
Rebecca: I had 50 in the van.
Dr. Kluger: Oh, well, I can see this is going to be a challenge. [over the intercom] All right, hold my calls.

Quote from Sam

Henri: And so you can imagine my embarrassment when I made two dates for the same night.
Cliff: Uh, what happened when your two lovelies arrived? Was there a cat fight? Oh please, tell me there was a cat fight.
Henri: Of course. There was a big cat fight. They were very, very naughty. I don't even know why I kept letting them up on the bed.
Tim: Henri, where was the strangest place that you ever-
Henri: Oh, that would have to be, uh, ah, during a performance in the balcony at the Paris Opera. And believe me, it wasn't over until the fat lady sang.
Norm: Very impressive. [Sam chuckles]
Henri: And what about you, Sam? You're supposed to be a great ladies' man?
Sam: All right, let's see, the strangest place, that'd have to be, uh, the back of a car.
Henri: Well, that's not so strange.
Sam: The car's on an assembly line, Henri.

Quote from Sam

Henri: I suggest a little competition. All right, here's what we do. We shall collect phone numbers from beautiful women. Whoever has the most phone numbers at midnight will be acknowledged as the world's greatest ladies' man.
Carla: That's a great idea.
Alan: Hey, take him, Sammy!
Norm: Yeah, put him in his place.
Sam: Don't listen to this. It's a stupid idea.
Henri: Oh. Do I hear a scaredy-cat's tune?
Sam: Would you grow up, Henri?
Henri: Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat.
Sam: Hey, hey, stop that. Hey, please, will ya? Maybe ten years ago I would have taken this silly bet. But I'm, I'm older, and I'm a little wiser.
Henri: Oh, well, maybe you're right, Sam. Maybe we don't need to compete. [sighs] I'll simply be king of ladies' men and you'd be the mayor of Scaredy-Cat Town. You'd better hurry. I am about to get my first number.

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