‘The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter’
Season 3, Episode 14 - Aired January 10, 1985
After Diane talks Sam into inviting a downcast Frasier on a fishing trip, the guys play a prank on him.
Quote from Frasier
Diane: So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you?
Frasier: Yes.
Diane: Frasier, how devious. But why didn't you tell me?
Frasier: Well, I couldn't trust you. You'd have thought it was too cruel.
Diane: Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.
Frasier: I know, but it's what guys do, darling. We screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you. Now, you see, when we get up to that clearing, I'm going to get them to pose for a photo. And after they disappear into the woods to beat out snipe, I'm going to rush back to my car, drive back here and make you one of my famous omelettes.
Diane: Frasier, I find your cunning arousing.
Frasier: Well, that's what it's there for, baby.
Quote from Carla
Frasier: Oh, hello, Diane.
Diane: Hi, Frasier. [they kiss] Frasier, your lips are troubled.
Carla: No wonder. Look at the hell he puts them through.
Quote from Sam
Frasier: Well, this has been a bad day. Bad week. Bad month. This time of the year is murder on the psychiatric profession.
Diane: Well, just sit down and relax.
Frasier: Scotch, Sam.
Sam: You have problems there, Frase?
Frasier: Oh, it's all the neuroses I face every day in and day out. It just can't help but have a negative effect on me.
Sam: Well, why don't you just do what I did? Throw her clothes in the hallway and lock the door.
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: So, you're here? Well, I'm furious with all of you for what you did to me.
Sam: Uh, Frasier, I can explain.
Frasier: Why did you introduce me to that intoxicating sport? I'm positively hooked on it. [imitates birdcall]
Quote from Diane
Cliff: Hey, Sam, come on. We got to tell Frasier. You're holding up the laugh fest?
Diane: We don't have to tell Frasier and we're not going to ever.
Norm: Then why did we do it?
Diane: Well, you're obviously bored with lip diddling.
Quote from Coach
Cliff: Holy coyote! What's that stink? Smells like they're burning the chef's special up there at Melville's.
Carla: Smells like they're burning the chef.
Cliff: No. No, wait a minute, I know what that smell is. [everyone groans as they see Coach with a cigar in his mouth]
Coach: Anybody mind if I smoke?
Carla: Not if you put the lit end in your mouth.
Coach: I learned how to smoke them this way, Carla, and I'll stick with it, thank you.
Sam: Whoo. Boy, is somebody boiling tar in here?
Coach: No, Sam. I'm smoking my cigar.
Sam: Would someone please boil some tar in here?
Quote from Coach
Norm: What's that stench?
Coach: It's my cigar, Normie. Let me know if it bothers you.
Norm: It bothers me.
Coach: Join the club.
Diane: New cologne, Sam? It's a step up.
Sam: Do you have any idea how much that cigar stinks, Coach?
Coach: Are you kidding? It's right below my nose.
Quote from Norm
Norm: Sammy, all set to...
Sam: You bet, good buddy.
Diane: Did that gesture signify a primitive mating ritual?
Sam: Actually, me and Normie are going up to the woods to spend the day fishing.
Diane: Fishing. How lovely. You know, it's truly essential to one's peace of mind now and then to get back in tune with the rhythms of nature and totally shed the mechanized world.
Sam: Yeah, you're right. Did you remember to bring the TV set this time?
Norm: Yeah. I got a portable VCR, Sam.
Sam: Ooh, good.
Norm: We got- I rented Porky's ll and Splash.
Sam: All right.
Diane: I suppose you have a electronic fish tracking device, too?
Sam: Oh, don't be silly. That wouldn't be sportsmanlike, Diane. We prefer depth charges. Boom!
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: Boy, I love fishing. This just one of those spur-of-the-moment decisions?
Norm: No, no, no. We've planned this for weeks. Check this little lake right here.
Sam: Oh, looks good.
Cliff: I guess you forgot to tell me, your best buddy.
Norm: No, I don't know. I don't remember.
Cliff: Well, I do. You didn't. Now maybe you mentioned it to some other best friend who lives for doing manly things in the wild.
Sam: Cliffie, you want to go fishing with us?
Cliff: No, that's okay, Sam. I don't want to infringe on you and Norm's good time.
Norm: You're going to have to if you want come along. Come on, let's go fishing.
Cliff: No, I'd better check my social calendar.
Carla: That's the wall of the men's room.
Quote from Coach
Carla: Hey, Coach. Want to play Red Sox trivia?
Coach: Yeah, sure. Fire away.
Carla: Oh, good. I got some real tough ones for you this time. Ready? Number one. What over .300 hitter was called-
Coach: Jimmy Foxx.
Carla: Right. That was just an easy warm-up. Now we're going to start, okay?
Coach: Shoot.
Carla: What Red Sox shortstop-
Coach: Don Buddin.
Carla: I'm thinking of an outfielder-
Coach: Conigliaro.
Carla: Boy, you are good. Try me now.
Coach: Uh... Who was the only man to pinch hit-
Carla: Lu Clinton.
Coach: You sure you want to go on?
Carla: Eh, I don't know. It's just not as much fun as it used to be. Think we've been playing together too long?
Coach: Well, was the next answer to your next question going to be Frank Malzone?
Carla: Yeah.
Coach: Yeah.