Sam: Woody, I think you ought to lay off. How many have you had?
Woody: Eleven.
Sam: 11 beers?
Woody: 11 sips.
Sam: Well, that's that's plenty, Woody. You know, booze is no way to handle any problems.

Woody: No, wait, Kelly. It's not what I want, but you have to understand something. I'm just a poor working guy.
Kelly: Could we go someplace and talk?
Woody: I can't leave now.
Kelly: Why not?
Woody: I have a job.
Kelly: I know, I think that's so cute.
Woody: I don't work to be cute. I work to make money to live. The cute part just happens.

Woody: No, no, no. You guys are way off base. I didn't think Mr. Gaines liked me either, but he just invited me to Kelly's birthday party.
Norm: Ooh, well, that's great.
Carla: Well, you know, you're going to have to get her a present, Wood.
Woody: I know, Carla. I'm prepared for this. And I'm not just giving her any present, but the gift that makes us all a little bit happier to be alive. The gift of laughter. [Sam & Norm chuckle]
Norm: How, uh, how so, Wood?
Woody: I'm giving her The Really Big Book of Dutch Humor. [laughter] See, it works.
Carla: Woody, you know, everybody at the party is going to be richer than God. If you walk in there and show them a stupid book full of tulip jokes, they're going to laugh in your face.
Woody: That's kind of the idea, Carla.

Kelly: Well, let's go get it now. We'll take my new Lamborghini. It only has three miles on it.
Woody: We can't go get it now. I don't have any money.
Kelly: Oh, we can just stop by your automatic teller on the way.
Woody: Kelly, when I say I don't have any money, I don't have any money. Nothing in my shoe, nothing under my mattress. Nothing. You take all the money in all the world and get rid of it and that's how much money I have.
Kelly: Wait a minute. You can't afford this, can you? That's why you've been so upset. Now I understand. It's like when Daddy wanted to buy Shell Oil and couldn't.

Cliff: [enters] All right, I'm gonna say it, and I don't care who knows it. Every since Reagan left the White House, this country has gone to heck in a handcart.
Sam: Here we go. [flips a coin]
Norm: Heads.
Sam: Ha-ha.
Norm: Damn. All right, Cliff, seeing as how I'm your best friend, I guess you better tell me what the problem is.
Cliff: Ah, you're only asking me 'cause you lost the toss.
Carla: No, he's only your best friend because he lost the toss.

Sam: Whoa, Woody, you look like a million bucks.
Woody: Well, you're way off, Sam. I got the sweater for $19.95, I got the pants for 25 bucks and I got the socks at a yard sale for 40 cents.
Sam: What's the occasion?
Woody: Well, they were selling the house, trying to get rid of some old socks.

Sam: No, Woody, I meant why are you all dressed up?
Woody: Oh, well, uh, the corporation's having a big lunch and my girlfriend's dad is going to be there.
Sam: Oh, so in case you bump in to him you want to look good, huh? Whoo.
Woody: Yeah, he makes me so nervous. It took me an hour to figure out what to wear this morning.
Norm: Yeah, you know, I have that problem, too.
Carla: You only have three suits.
Norm: Yeah, but I have five ties.

Carla: You know, Woody, you're better off dumping her. Rich people stink. I hate them. I hate their soft shoes, the way they're too relaxed to sweat. You know what I hate most about rich people? I'm not one of them.
Woody: Yeah, Carla, you sweat like a longshoreman.

Lilith: Are you ready to sock it to the old boy's network?
Rebecca: I am!
Lilith: Too much inflection.
Rebecca: [flatly] I am.
Lilith: I am proud of you.
Carla: Geez, two Liliths. This is like a nightmare I had once.
Frasier: You, too?

Woody: Well, gee, there is one other thing I wanted to give you, and maybe it's even better than the song. No one else in the world has it.
Kelly: What's that?
Woody: Just... I love you. [kisses Kelly] You're not going to say "where's my gift," are you?
Kelly: Oh, Woody, you make me feel so ashamed. Your gift makes all those others seem so cheap.
Woody: Look, Kelly, you're the best girl in the whole world.
Kelly: And to think that for your birthday I was going to get you a Porsche. Talk about shallow. All you really need is to hear me say that I love you, too. Woody? Woody?
Woody: I'm sorry, did you say something after Porsche?