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‘The Big Kiss-Off’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Big Kiss-Off

624. The Big Kiss-Off

Aired April 28, 1988

Sam and Woody make a bet that they can kiss Rebecca before the night is out.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Oh, Miss Howe? Can I ask you a question?
Rebecca: Sure, Woody. What do you want to know?
Woody: Um... which key unlocks the storage room? [swings the keys]
Rebecca: I don't know. Hold it still.
Woody: Look carefully, very carefully. You're getting sleepy. Very sleepy.
Rebecca: Woody?
Woody: Very, very, sleepy. You'll do whatever I say.
Rebecca: Woody, go to sleep.
[As Woody's head drops, Rebecca walks away. Frasier walks over to Woody and snaps his fingers]
Woody: Oh, no. I made her disappear.

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Quote from Norm

Norm: Oh, Fras. You make it home okay last night, buddy?
Frasier: Yeah, thanks for putting me in that cab.
Norm: I figured you had a little too much when you started making fun of that longshoreman's mother.
Frasier: Oh, Lord, I don't remember a thing. What- What did I say?
Norm: Something like, uh, "Unions are for mommy's boys who can't get their own jobs," I think.
Frasier: Oh, why didn't he kill me?
Norm: Well, you- You said you wanted to wait and take him on when there were more people here. So, uh, you said you'd meet the guy back here today, about, uh... Right about now, actually. [Frasier runs for the door] No, wait. Whoa, whoa. The guy couldn't make it! [Frasier turns back] Whoop, there he is. [Frasier runs across the bar] Oh, oh! No, no, no, no, no. That's just a car.
Frasier: Okay, why are you taunting me like some sort of play thing?
Norm: It's just my little hangover cure.
Frasier: [sighs] Didn't help me a bit.
Norm: No, but mine's gone completely.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Hey, fella. [laughs] You a little sweet on Rebecca there, huh?
Woody: Nah, get out.
Sam: No, come on. You've got that kind of dopey look. Hey, get over here. You can tell us, come on.
Woody: Well... Okay. Uh, last couple of months, I have kind of noticed her. [Sam laughs] In fact, if it weren't for Mr. Drake, I really might go after her. [laughter]
Alan: Come on, Woody.
Cliff: Hey, hey, that's good, Woody, good.
Woody: What's so funny?
Carla: No disrespect, Rhinestone Cowpie. But I really don't think her idea of a hot date is a butter-churning contest in Tobacci-flats.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, you're forgetting something. Miss Howe said I was cute.
Sam: Yeah, but, Woody, I think she thinks you're cute, kind of like she thinks a puppy dog is cute.
Woody: Yeah, I know. Hey, is that a cut? [patrons barking] Oh, so you guys really don't think she'd go for me, huh? I may just have to show you.
Carla: You couldn't get to first base.
Woody: First base, nothing. I can hit a home run with her. [all voicing dissent]
Cliff: Oh, come on.
Sam: You can't hit a home run.
Woody: Can so. In fact, by midnight tonight, I can get a kiss.
Sam: A kiss, huh? That- That what you meant by home run?
Woody: Yeah, sure. What else could it be?
Sam: I thought you meant go all the way.
Woody: You mean marry her? Sam, where is your mind?

Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, would you guys give me a break? You're talking to Sammy here. I am the king.
Hugh: Well, when was the last time that Rebecca said you were cute?
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, Sam. Might be time to hang up those lips, buddy.
Sam: Hey, no, no, no. Hey, listen, I still got it. And if you need proof, then fine. I will get that kiss from her, and before Woody, too.
Man: Oh!
Woody: Oh, yeah?
Sam: Yeah.
Woody: Well, there's an expression we used to have back in Indiana.
Sam: Yeah?
Woody: Same to you.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: I'll put, uh, 20 bucks down on the kid.
Sam: You're putting 20 on Woody?
Cliff: Uh, you're right, Sammy, make that 50.
Sam: Come on, you're putting me on here.
Norm: No, Sammy. I mean, look at that face. Okay? That sweet, innocent face. The kind of face we all hate and resent, but we will cash in on it.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Okay, all right. You know, I'm going to teach you doubters a lesson. I'm gonna take all bets.
Carla: Okay, let's set the ground rules here. [indistinct excited chatter]
Man: All right, wait a second.
Carla: A kiss before midnight tonight. It's got to be a full one on the lips, all four lips touching. For an entire three count.
Cliff: Wait, wait, wait, but, uh, there's got to be a bona fide witness.
Carla: No, I'll do it, I'll do it. You know, I think this is gonna be better than our contest for the biggest spit bubble.
Cliff: Hey, well, it's possible.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, boss. What, are you doing inventory?
Rebecca: That's right.
Sam: Boy, you know, it is getting warmer.
Rebecca: Maybe we ought to be ordering some more rum and [choking]
Rebecca: Sam? [Sam continues choking] Oh, my God, are you all right?
Sam: No. Not that. Mouth-to-mouth.
Rebecca: Are you sure?
Sam: Mouth-to-mouth.
Rebecca: All right. Oh, God, does anybody know mouth-to-mouth?
Al: I do, I do, I do.
Sam: [coughs] It's okay, I'm all right, I'm all right.
Al: Works every time.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Better make that move, Sammy. Time's getting short.
Sam: No, this is how I like it. Late innings, game on the line. Yeah. The cool character steps to center stage.
Cliff: Well, I don't know, Sammy. You seem to be sweating a little bit up there.
Sam: No, I'm not.
Norm: Yeah, that's okay. Nothing wrong with sweating. l, myself, have perspired once or twice.
Carla: We could grow rice.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: What's going on here?
Carla: Whatever do you mean?
Rebecca: Sam and Woody are trying desperately to kiss me.
Carla: Boy, someone's a little full of herself, isn't she?
Rebecca: Come on, Carla. What's the story here? One woman to another.
Carla: Why would I tell you something about my two closest best friends in the whole world?
Rebecca: I'll give you a paid day off.
Carla: They got a bet. They want to see who could kiss you by the end of the shift tonight.
Rebecca: Why would they do such an asinine, juvenile, thing?
Carla: Look at the contestants. Actually, Woody's doing it 'cause they were razzing him. Sam's trying to prove he still got it. Other than that, just cheap thrills.
Rebecca: Don't tell them I know.
Carla: Wait a minute. You're not cooking up something that's going to humiliate my friends and make them look stupid, are you?
Rebecca: Well, yeah.
Carla: How can I help?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: To recap, sitting in the bar today, we have, among others, a man who was actually simple enough to hypnotize himself. I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all.
Sam: [enters in army outfit] Ten hut!
Frasier: Happily, I stand corrected.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Well, it's time for me to be all that I can be.
Carla: You enlisted in the Army, you idiot?
Sam: Hey, we do more by 9:00 a.m. than most people do all day.
Frasier: And that's a selling point to you?
Sam: Yeah, and I've had a bellyful of that Ayatollah guy. Quite frankly I don't like what's been happening in the Persian Gulf. So, I'm off to... Uh, I'm off to Persia. I just wanted to shake a few hands, say good-bye. Kiss a few girls for the last time. [to Rebecca] Well, baby this is good-bye. Yep, this may be the last time you ever see this dogface.
Carla: You can always take a gander at this one. [points to Cliff]

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Sam, I had no idea you were this dedicated. This is a wonderful thing you're doing for our country.
Sam: Well, thank you.
Rebecca: Kiss me, Sam, kiss me. [backs away] No, I can't kiss another soldier. Not after Kevin.
Sam: Kevin? Who- Who's Kevin?
Rebecca: Kevin was my boyfriend in high school, and we really loved each other, and then he enlisted in the Army, and I never wrote, and I never saw him again.
Sam: Well, he sounds like a creep. Kiss me and make him jealous.
Rebecca: No, Sam, I'm sorry. Come home safely, doughboy.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Damn! I mean, what does it take?!
Frasier: Well, maybe you're being too subtle.
Carla: One hour. I don't think either of you heartthrobs got the lips to win.
Woody: Serves you right if you lose, Sam, doing all that weird stuff.
Sam: Me? What about you? You- You and that acting routine. You know something, Woody, I'm getting a little sick and tired of you. You and your wholesome farm boy bit. You're not so dumb.
Woody: I resent that. You're just upset because you're not king of the hill. Well, that's too bad. And I'll tell you another thing. I'm thinking about not writing you when you're overseas.
Sam: Oh, break my heart.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Sam? Can I speak with you a moment?
Sam: You sure can. [chuckling]
Guys: [sing] Over there Over there Send the word, send the word Over there

Quote from Rebecca

All: [sing] Sammy and Woody sittin' in a tree K-l-S-S-l-N-G [laughter]
Woody: You were supposed to be Miss Howe.
Sam: That's a rotten thing you did.
Rebecca: Don't talk to me about rotten. What about all this kissing nonsense?
Sam: Yeah, that's different. There's money involved.
Rebecca: Well, I am going to say this once and once only. I am a person who cannot be used. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to drive Mr. Drake's valet to the airport.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: How you doing, Woody?
Woody: Fine.
Rebecca: Is that a new shirt?
Woody: You mean the one I'm wearing?
Rebecca: Yes. You look very nice today. Very cute.
Woody: Really? You You mean it? Me? I mean, me- You think me look cute?
Rebecca: Well, I did.

Quote from Woody

Norm: All right. Wait a minute now. I got ten bucks says Woody can get that kiss.
Cliff: Come on. Will you stop it, Norm? I mean, Woody's got about as much chance of getting a kiss out of Rebecca as Sammy here.
Norm: Yeah.
Sam: Hey, whoa, wait, listen, sure, Woody can't do it, but you think I can't come through?
Frasier: You know, rumor has it, Sam, that, uh, the woman finds you utterly repulsive.
Woody: Rumor? Heck, it's in the newsletter.

Quote from Norm

Frasier: Explain this to me. lf, uh, the winner is gonna get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get?
Cliff: Well, uh... A kiss from Norm. [chuckling]
Norm: Then, of course, there is no loser.
Cliff: [laughing] All right, Normie.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Anyway, I got this sewn up.
Carla: I don't know, Sammy. I'm on your side, but you know, a lot of women come into this bar wanting to meet the sexy bartender, and more and more of them are not talking about you.
Sam: Hey, wait, wait, wait. Listen, you're not losing faith in me here, are you? I mean, you- you still think I- I got it, don't you?
Carla: Sure I do, but you know, you can't take this thing for granted. Get a little older, you got to work harder, or date uglier.
Sam: Well, you know, come to think of it, Woody is kind of cute, isn't he?
Carla: Mm.
Sam: Oh, this is not good. [clears throat] This is not good for my image at all. I mean, if I let Woody win here, then every young punk with a pair of lips is gonna be challenging me. All right, I got a way to go here. Watch this.
Carla: [to a customer] Hey, hey, these go to table six. And you owe 'em some change.

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