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‘The Art of the Steal’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Art of the Steal

810. The Art of the Steal

Aired November 30, 1989

Rebecca tries to spice up her relationship with Robin by sneaking into his apartment. Meanwhile, Norm tries to teach Woody about capitalism with a game of Monopoly.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: So, he's coming in town tonight, I haven't seen him for a month, and I don't know... You know, I really need some help here. Now, you've got a reputation of being uninhibited, lowdown, dirty, perverted...
Carla: You should have known me when I was a real slut.
Rebecca: Let me ask you a question. What is the wildest thing you ever did to really get a guy's attention?
Carla: Well, now... Let me see. There was the time I was making love to a guy on a carousel.
Rebecca: Where? An amusement park?
Carla: No, LaGuardia Airport. Want to give it a try?

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Quote from Norm

Cliff: Hey, Normy, watch my wallet, will you? I got to go see a man about a horse.
Woody: Look at this! Pumpkin seeds are up to 9 cents a pound! This world is going crazy.
Norm: Yeah, I know what you mean, Wood. The dollar ain't worth what it used to be.
Woody: Well, I don't understand. How can a dollar be worth less than a dollar?
Norm: Well, perhaps I can illustrate using one of Cliff's bills here. Ah! Think of this, Woody, as the 1975 dollar, OK?
Carla: It's probably been in that wallet since 1975.
Norm: Now, taking account of inflation [tears off part of the note], OK, the high cost of living [tears again], increased dollars in circulation [tears again], increased buying power of that pesky yen [tears again], and all you have left is a little bit of George Washington's left eye.
Carla: Well, wait a minute, now. Would the same thing apply to, oh... Say, a 20 dollar bill?
Norm: Ah, macroeconomics. Yeah, perhaps we'll just try it and see... The same principles.
Carla: OK, inflation... [tears dollar]
Norm: Uh-huh.
Carla: Cost of living... [tears again]

Quote from Norm

Frasier: So Cliff's the thimble. I'm the race car. What do you want to be, Norm?
Norm: I'll be the lead pipe, I guess.
Frasier: I don't remember any lead pipe in Monopoly, or this Chinese checker, or these Candyland children. What is this?
Norm: Well, you know, over the years, we've sort of lost parts from the original game, so we mix and match from others.
Frasier: Well, all right. Give me the dice.
Norm: All right. [hands Frasier two large, fuzzy, purple dice]

Quote from Cliff

Frasier: Say, where's Sam off to?
Carla: He's off to a luxury apartment to meet a naked woman.
Cliff: Boy, that guy leads a pretty exciting life compared to us, huh?
Norm: Cliffy, compared to ours, a tapeworm leads a pretty exciting life.
Cliff: You know, I happen to be a bit of an expert on tapeworms. It all goes back to my eighth grade science fair. Everybody else had rabbits and Guinea pigs. I had a tapeworm.
Norm: Really?
Cliff: Yeah, so I couldn't go. Or was that a ringworm?
Norm: Check, please.
Cliff: Uh... Oh, boy, oh, boy. Me and parasites, don't get me started.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Sorry I'm late. I just got back from my stylist.
Woody: Well, gee, Sam, your hair doesn't look any different.
Sam: Uh, no. This was just for an estimate. I'm thinking of doing a body wave and my insurance company wants me to go to three different places.
Frasier: Sam, you... You have hair insurance?
Sam: Yeah. What, like I'm gonna just walk around with fire and theft?

Quote from Woody

Woody: I'm buying Reading Railroad, and I'm putting up a house.
Frasier: Woody, you can't put a house on railroad tracks.
Woody: Why not? My Uncle Jim used to do it all the time back in Hanover, on these tracks near where we lived. I mean, it wasn't a real house, though. It was just a fake one made of sticks and canvas. Yeah. He used to hide in the bushes and take pictures of the engineers screaming. He was funny, but he had a twisted side.

Quote from Norm

Woody: I just don't get this inflation stuff.
Norm: All right, Woody. Once again, think of this beer as the 1975 dollar, OK? [drink it all] Now it's a 1980 dollar. Fill it up, I'll take you through the Reagan years.
Woody: All right. You might as well forget it, Mr. Peterson. I'm just not getting it.
Norm: Woody, I am willing to sit here all night if that's what it takes, buddy.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Wait. Come here, please. Sit down. This is important. Now, look. I know my relationship with Robin got off to a flying start, but recently, I think that maybe he's finding me boring. Now, how could that be?
Carla: You're dull.
Rebecca: I am only dull on the outside. On the inside, I am a seething cauldron of fun. All I have to do is find something that will make Robin sit up and take notice of me, something that will make him realize what a special person I really am.
Carla: Have you gone to bed with him yet?
Rebecca: No.
Carla: Well, that's always been a good icebreaker for me.
Rebecca: Wait. Wait. Now, look. I did not go to bed with Robin on the first date because I was out of practice. I thought I'd be rotten, and he'd dump me. And on the second date, I didn't go to bed with him because I thought he respected me for not going to bed with him on the first date. And then, by the third date, it was already an old habit. All right. Now I'm going out with him my fourth time, and frankly... I'm hot to trot.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: Economics is so complicated.
Norm: Woody, I could sit here and try to discuss the principles of economics with you till I'm blue in the face, but I've always found that nothing will explain the process quicker than a simple game of Monopoly. Anyone care to join me?
Frasier: Monopoly, eh?
Norm: Yeah!
Frasier: I don't know. Well, Lilith's at home with the baby, they both seem rather tired and cranky, so I really ought to get home by, uh... Thursday.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: All right. I'm the banker.
Norm: No, no, no. I'm trying to explain this to you, Woody. I have to be the banker, all right?
Woody: I'm always the banker.
Norm: No, no. I'm always the banker, OK? Look. If I can't be the banker, I just won't play. How's that?
Woody: Well, maybe I'll just go get my own monopoly board and play with my real friends.
Frasier: Now, let's not be childish. If Woody wants to be the banker, let's let him be. I mean, he can learn from his own mistakes.
Norm: All right, all right. I'll be the race car, though.
Frasier: No, I am always the race car.
Norm: I'm the race car!
Frasier: No, no, no. Oh, really? How well do you do this? [imitates race car]
Cliff: You can argue all you want, but I'm not playing unless I'm the thimble.
Frasier: It's yours, Cliff.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hello, Mr. Colcord. This is a bad connection. Where are you calling from? Hold on a second. It's Richie Rich calling from his airplane. She's not here right now. Can I take a message? Aw, she'll be sorry to hear that. Yeah, I'll be sure to tell her. You flying that plane all by yourself? Really? Watch out for that telephone pole! [laughs] No, I know there are no telephone poles 40,000 feet up. That's what makes it funny. [hangs up] 200 million bucks. Buy yourself a sense of humor.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Oh, damn. Shoot!
Woody: That'll be $1,300 and your "Get out of Jail Free" card. Enjoy your stay at Boyd's on Boardwalk.
Norm: Wait, Woody, I just realized something. Every time anybody deposited any money in the bank, you put it with your own.
Woody: Prove it, Peterson.
Frasier: I don't believe it. I have sat here for the last five hours watching each of you lie, steal and cheat his way to a small fortune while I sit here with $5.00, St. James Place, and this stupid picture of Uncle Wiggly. You people have no scruples or moral standards whatsoever! I mean, what was the purpose of this game after all, anyway?
Norm: Just trying to teach Woody the nature of economics.
Frasier: Oh, well, then, bravo.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: So, like what did you and your brother talk about?
Sam: Oh, you know, the usual things. Comic books, movies, records, all the babes we were gonna score with once we got our own room. Did you ever share a room with your sister?
Rebecca: Yeah, but I'll tell you one thing, we didn't talk about stupid stuff like you and your brother talked about.
Sam: All right, what did you talk about?
Rebecca: Dreams, aspirations, the meaning of life.
Sam: In other words, boys.
Rebecca: You betcha.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Got to get some more pretzels for the bar.
Rebecca: I don't know if my phone is working right or not. Have I had any calls?
Carla: Yeah, Robin called.
Rebecca: He did?
Carla: Yeah, about three weeks ago. Don't you remember?
Rebecca: Carla, do you think Robin's losing interest in me?
Carla: No, but I am.

Quote from Rebecca

Carla: You're getting dull on me again.
Rebecca: I've just been so darn dull for so darn long. Wait a minute. Whoa! What do you think about this? You're going to like this one. He comes in tonight, I sneak into his apartment, I put on some nice soft music, I chill some champagne, he walks through the door, and I greet him.
Carla: Whoa-ho. What an idea. Way to go, Rebecca!
Rebecca: Thank you.
Carla: [sings] Dull de dull, dull dull...

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Carla. Everything's all set up.
Carla: You're going to LaGuardia Airport? Great! Use carousel "D." It's the bumpiest.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: No, Carla, look. I was talking to Robin's valet Jonathan. He kind of likes me. Anyway, he said that he was gonna chill some champagne and he would open the door for me, so I could get in Robin's apartment. And then he'll disappear, and I will greet Mr. Colcord at the door wearing nothing but a skirt, a shirt, my underwear, and a smile. All right, all right, I'll get naked!
Carla: Now you're getting the hang of it.
Rebecca: Thank you, Carla. Thank you so much.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Where is Rebecca, anyway?
Carla: She's waiting for Robin at his apartment.
Sam: Oh. Well, I guess I ought to call her and tell her he's going to be about three hours late.
Carla: Yeah. She said she wanted to... Surprise him by waiting there for him buck naked.
[Sam puts the phone down, dives over the bar and runs out]

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: [o.s.] Robin? Uh-huh. I'm on the couch in the den. Hang a Louie at my undies.
Sam: I'm so glad I came.
Rebecca: [o.s.] Hey, I've had half a bottle of champagne. Now I'm standing in front of the TV, naked.
Sam: What are you watching?
Rebecca: [o.s.] [screams] Don't look at me! Quick! Throw me something!
Sam: Okey-dokey.
Rebecca: [o.s.] No! Throw me something to wear!
Sam: Let's see here. Here we go.
Rebecca: [o.s.] Give it to me. Give it to me! Give me that! God, Sam, what are you doing here? You saw me standing in front of the TV naked!
Sam: I just came to give you a message. Robin said he's going to be a few hours late.
Rebecca: Get out of here. Get out of here right now.
Sam: Damn, a Kodak moment, and me without my camera.

Quote from Sam

Sam: What is with people nowadays? When I was a kid, we used to keep our doors unlocked all the time. Used to get ripped off a lot, but at least we could get out of the damn house.

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