‘Teacher's Pet’
Season 3, Episode 16 - Aired January 31, 1985
When Sam starts taking high school classes to finally get his diploma, he stumbles upon a way to get good grades without studying.
Quote from Diane
Sam: I told you, it's just a book I'm reading.
Diane: It's not just a book. It's a textbook. Are you back in school?
Sam: Promise you won't tell anybody, will you, please?
Diane: Oh, Sam, this is nothing to keep secret. This is wonderful. Why are you concealing it?
Sam: Well, it's a little embarrassing, isn't it? A guy my age going back to school.
Diane: It's not embarrassing! It's noble and fine and I think it's very inspirational. Let's tell everyone!
Sam: No, come on, come on, come on. You know how the guys make fun of me.
Diane: Sam, no one enjoys teasing you more than I do and I refrained.
Quote from Diane
Diane: I'm so proud of you.
Sam: Yeah, thank you.
Diane: Unless...
Sam: Unless what?
Diane: Sam, you're not doing this to impress me and win me back, are you?
Sam: No. No, I'm doing it for my diploma.
Diane: Well, I hope so. Because if this is part of some involved scheme to get me back in bed with you, you will be very disappointed.
Sam: Yeah, but you'll enjoy yourself.
Quote from Cliff
Diane: Attention, everyone. I have an announcement to make. Someone in our little Cheers family is doing something to improve himself and I want you all to know about it.
Cliff: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Carla, you told Diane about my ear job, didn't you?
Diane: Clifford, Carla didn't tell me anything.
Cliff: Uh... Well, you were saying?
Diane: After a rather lengthy interruption, Sam has decided to go back to school and pursue his degree. [applause]
Coach: Bravo, Sam.
Sam: You're getting your ears done, man?
Cliff: Oh, come on, Sammy. Where's your sense of humor? It was a joke.
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: [enters] Hey, everybody.
Diane: Clifford.
Cliff: Diane. Yeah, well, take your last look at a flawed Clifford. Tomorrow I go under the knife.
Carla: Why don't you just go under the bus?
Cliff: I'm talking about my operation, Carla. I'm going to have my ears tucked back.
Carla: Cliff, why don't you save yourself some money, just put some chewing gum behind them.
Cliff: That doesn't work. I mean that probably wouldn't work.
Quote from Sam
Coach: Sam, listen, are we going to study together tonight? Listen, this exam's going to constitute 80% of our grades.
Sam: Coach, come on, what have I been telling you all semester long?
Coach: Oh, I know, I know.
Both: Studying is for saps.
Quote from Diane
Diane: Sam Malone, this is absolutely-
Sam: The worst thing I've ever done.
Diane: The worst thing you've- Wait a minute. You don't even know what I'm going to say. I just found out that you have been-
Sam: Sleeping with my teacher.
Diane: That's right. And that's not the worst part. She also has been giving you-
Sam: Good marks because of it.
Diane: Yes. Are you admitting that you're doing this and that you know it's wrong?
Sam: Yeah, that's right.
Diane: Oh, yeah? Well, stop slouching. Look what's happened to your posture.
Sam: What?
Diane: I needed something.
Quote from Sam
Sam: Gee, the whole thing started so innocently. I began dating her because she was cute and because we hit it off. I mean, I had no idea that I was going to get better marks because of it. I just was after some meaningless sex and it's turned into something sleazy.
Diane: Well, you know the old saying, "The best laid plans of mice and scum"
Sam: Yeah, boy, ain't that the truth? You know, I didn't realize anything was wrong until I started getting these quizzes back. Instead of marking off wrong answers, she'd say, "Close enough. A+".
Quote from Sam
Cliff: What's wrong?
Sam: It's nothing. I got to study for this exam. It's kind of important.
Norm: Well, I'd be happy to help you study, Sam.
Cliff: I'd be proud to assist.
Sam: Are you kidding me? You guys can't help me. You know squat about geography.
Quote from Coach
Sam: Coach, could you help me study? We've got to start studying now.
Coach: I thought you didn't need anybody to study, Sam.
Diane: Well, he does now, Coach. While you were earning your good grades with hard work, Sam was earning his by dating the teacher.
Coach: Well, is that true, Sam?
Sam: Uh, yeah, but I've wiped the slate clean, Coach. Whatever I get now, I have to earn, so please help me cram.
Coach: You mean all semester long, I've been wearing my buns to the bone while you've been polishing the teacher's apple?
Sam: Come on, Coach. I want to get my diploma. And you know that whatever I get in this exam is my grade for the class.
Coach: Find yourself another sap to study with.
Sam: Come on, Coach.
Coach: No way. I'm going.
Quote from Carla
Sam: Oh, my God, I need help. Carla, what do you know about geography?
Carla: I know what creek you're up.