Sam: Coach, I'm just taking geography. It's the last thing I have to complete so I can get my diploma.
Coach: Well, Sam, it would only be a start for me, you know. As a matter of fact, as I remember it now, I was very good in geography.
Sam: Really?
Coach: Yeah. Or was it geometry? Diane, give me a question in geometry.
Diane: What is the sum of the angles in an isosceles triangle?
Coach: It was geography.

Norm: Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sam. A lot of famous people never graduated high school.
Sam: Yeah, right. Name three, Norm.
Norm: According to "The Book Of Lists", Thomas Edison, Noel Coward, Cher... never graduated.
Coach: Cher?!
Norm: Absolutely. Never finished, Coach.
Coach: Whoa, I feel a lot better now.
Norm: Why? You never finished either?
Coach: No, I was missing a couple of those what-d'-you-ma-call-its?
Diane: Units?
Coach: No, years, Diane.

Diane: What was the test about, Sam?
Sam: I don't know. I forget.
Diane: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got an A on this test and you don't even know what it covered?
Sam: After a quiz, I like to empty out my head.
Diane: How? By blowing your nose?
Sam: I got an A, didn't l?

Coach: Now, Sam, you can learn about anything in this world if you just follow my little trick. Got it? All right, Albania. Here, Albania. Or, should we say [sings] Albania?
Sam: Why did you say it like that?
Coach: We learn our facts by associating countries with music.
Sam: Why?
Coach: Do you want to study alone?
Sam: No, no, no.
Coach: One, two, three... [sings] Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic Your land is mostly mountainous And your chief export is chrome You're a communist republic, You're a red regime [talks] Sing it, Sam. Ready?
Coach & Sam: [sing] Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic...

Diane: This is no time for levity. I think Sam might be drinking again. Oh, I was afraid of this. Day after day of watching Frasier and me exulting in our joy has finally driven him over the edge.
Norm: Come on, Diane. I doubt seriously if he's drinking. There's lots of other things he could be doing in there.
Diane: Like what?
Norm: Maybe he's reading just like he said.
Diane: Oh, it can't be that. I was once with Sam when he was reading. I'd recognize the sounds anywhere.

Diane: Sam didn't seem to retain much from the test.
Coach: Yeah, but he does just great. I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time. He sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note. And still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane: Miss Purdy?
Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school teacher.
Diane: And Sam is her favourite?
Coach: Well, I can't say that. But Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane: They kiss?
Coach: Yeah, I saw them smooching in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane: With probing tongues?
Coach: No, Diane, with a thumbtack and my thumb.

Diane: It's a sad commentary on our educational system when a harlot like this is allowed in the public schools.
Sam: Hey, if I remember correctly, when we met you were dating your professor.
Diane: For your information, I was a legitimate A student in the classroom. I never got good grades in the sack.
Sam: Oh, don't worry. I always gave you an E for effort, didn't I?

Sam: I'll be in my office. [exits]
Diane: He locked his door.
Carla: [gasps] And we're trapped out here with you.
Diane: Sam never locks his door.
Coach: He's done that two or three times this week, Diane.
Norm: Yeah, he did it the other night and he never made a sound. Stayed in there till closing time.
Diane: Oh, my God. The thing I feared worst has happened.
Carla: Your living bra died of boredom.

Diane: Hello, Sam.
Sam: Hello. Whoa, what are you doing? Why are you sniffing like that?
Diane: What's that?
Sam: I told you, I had a book.
Diane: "The World And Its People." This is surprising, Sam. You're reading a book whose title doesn't contain the words naughty, hot, or throbbing?

Carla: Hey, Sam, why does a guy like you want to go back to high school? I mean, you got everything a man could want. And you dumped the one thing no man wants.