Rebecca: Oh, brother. This is terrific.
Sam: What?
Rebecca: You want to play baseball again, fulfill your little fantasy. Well, why don't we all do that? I mean, why don't I go back to my high school prom? Huh? Maybe I'd have a pretty dress. Maybe I wouldn't weigh 300 pounds and be on tetracycline.

Norm: Sammy. Don't listen to her. You want something, you have to go for it. If I didn't feel that way, I'd still be sitting way over there by the piano.

Rebecca: I am merely trying to point out the fact that he's older, and there are better, faster, younger players.
Carla: Yeah, well I think that you're gonna be surprised, 'cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right, guys?
Norm: Right, of course. He's Mayday Malone.
Cliff: Yeah, but, uh, hold on there, Normie, what if he doesn't? Thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. Yeah, he'll probably, uh, storm back in here, go in the office and lock himself in and, uh, maybe start taking inventory of his life, peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean, we've all done it a hundred times.
Frasier: You okay, Cliff?
Cliff: What are you asking me for? Sam's the one with the problem.

Carla: Hey, Wood, what's in the mail?
Woody: Oh, just the usual. A couple subpoenas from that Mitch guy. Oh, hey, it's a postcard from Sam.
Norm: All right.
Carla: Oh, read it.
Woody: "Greetings from New Britain, Connecticut, home of Shade Leaf Tobacco and Carions."
Carla: No, read what Sam wrote.
Woody: That is what Sam wrote.

Norm: Boy, oh, boy, the thought of Sammy out there on the mound chucking 'em down.
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: What I wouldn't give to see that, huh?
Cliff: Norm, it's only a $30 train ride.
Norm: Well, that's what I wouldn't give.

Frasier: Well, I finally resigned myself to it. We've tried everything. There's no way we're gonna find Whiskers. A priceless, highly-trained laboratory animal; virtually irreplaceable, so I went by the pet store and dropped 99 cents on this guy here. Well, what the hell? They were gonna feed him to the boa constrictor anyway.
Rebecca: What's all this other stuff?
Frasier: Oh, I snuck this out of the laboratory. See, I've got exactly 48 hours to teach this guy here everything that his predecessor knew.
Rebecca: How are you gonna do that?
Frasier: Well, if... If you would, Rebecca... With a series of mazes and other such similar devices. You see, lower forms of intelligence can be trained to perform simple actions by rewarding them with food when they perform correctly, or punishing them with electrical shocks when they perform incorrectly.
Cliff: Hey, look at that, Norm, I pushed down a lever, got a nut.
Norm: Hey! I got a shock!
Cliff: I got another nut.
Norm: Ow! Hey! A shock!
Cliff: Oh, wait a minute. Let me push your lever down. Hey! I got a shock, too!
Norm: Oh! That's a mean little sucker!
Cliff: Ah, one of these times it's bound to give us a nut. Ow!

Sam: Who's taking care of the bar?
Carla: Rebecca.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Carla: Aw, I was just kidding. No one.
Sam: Ah, ah. You scared me there for a second.

Carla: Maybe you should give it a little more time, Sammy. I mean, you've only been here a few weeks. Hey, look, you can't quit now. I'm not gonna let ya!
Sam: Come on, Carla. You've supported me in all my other decisions, except for maybe you know, going out with Diane... And selling the bar... And hiring Rebecca, and you know, deciding to have a kid with her and everything. What the hell kind of friend are you, anyway?

Cliff: Interesting little article here. It says that the average human being only uses 17% of its brain. Boy. You realize what that means?
Norm: Mmm?
Cliff: We don't use a full, uh... 64%.
Norm: Some don't use even more.

Woody: [laughs]
Rebecca: All right. Who let Woody read "Ziggy"? [Woody laughing] You realize he's gonna be useless for the next 15 minutes. [Woody thuds to the ground] Woody, take your break. [Woody laughing]