Carla: Okay, Sammy, spill your guts. What's the matter?
Sam: Carla, I just said that I- I want-
Carla: Yeah, but you're gonna end up telling me eventually, so you might as well get it over with. Go on, make you feel better.
Sam: Just keep this to yourself. Remember how I went over to Denise's house? Well, she she didn't invite me over for a good time. She wanted to show me something.
Carla: What?
Sam: My child. Seven pounds, ten ounces, a baby boy. [Carla laughs] What's so funny? [laughing continues]
Carla: Sam Malone finally got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Sam: Carla, come on. This is serious.
Carla: Oh, of course it is, Sam. But I really think you're gonna be okay, you know?
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Just remember this. This little piggy went to market... [laughs]

Woody: Go on, test me. Give me a cue.
Norm: All right. Well, what's the first line?
Woody: "And I have said I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt under the land of the Canaanites and the Hittites, and the Amorites and the Parasites, and the Hivites."
Cliff: Wait, wait, wa-wa-wait. What, uh, what happened to the Cellulites?
Norm: They, uh, settled in the land of Vera.
Cliff: [laughs] Did you hear what he said?

Suzanne: Boy, what a day.
Sam: Yeah?
Suzanne: Yeah, I can't wait for it to end. All I can think about is getting home and jumping into bed.
Sam: Need anybody to break your fall? Hi. Sam Malone.
Suzanne: Hi. Suzanne Porter.
Sam: How do you do?
Woody: Sam, you done picking up on this lady?
Sam: [clears throat] Not quite, Woody.
Woody: Well, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but, uh, Denise called.
Sam: Oh, Denise.
Suzanne: Who's Denise?
Sam: Um... Uh, my brother's kid. Uh, De-niece. Yeah, I have to say hi to her, and De-nephew.

Sam: Oh, well, yeah, as long as I'm busted, I guess I might as well tell you the truth here. I- I didn't promise to give up sweets. I promised to give up sex.
Father Barry: Ah... that is a tough one. You know, Sam, the Church does recommend chastity to unmarried people.
Sam: [chuckles] Oh, I'm sorry. You were serious. Uh... How do you do that? I mean, what do you do? How do you not? I mean, a-are there special tricks, or a certain way of sitting, maybe?
Father Barry: Well, yes, but we are strictly forbidden to reveal it.
Sam: You're kidding.
Father Barry: Yes.
Sam: Oh.
Father Barry: You know, Sam, I think you're looking for someone to tell you it's all right to break your vow, but I can't do that. You know, I've found that people who come here looking for answers usually know what the answer is, and I think you do, too.
Sam: Yeah, maybe. Well, thank you.

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah, this is him. You're kidding. Moses has an ear infection. Yeah, all right. Yeah. I'll be right there. [hangs up]
Cliff: So, Woody, they gonna let you go on?
Woody: Uh, no, I got to stop by the drugstore and pick up some antibiotics.

Sam: Carla, I ca- I can't take this anymore. I mean, I tried everything. I've stopped eating oysters, I'm taking cold showers, I even started stuffing ice in my pockets. I tell you, I'm not going to make it.
Carla: Oh, Sammy, buck up. You only have nine more weeks to go.
Sam: I'm talking about tonight.

Rachel: Listen, I have got an 18-hour layover, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. How'd you like to help me kill some time?
Sam: Listen, what, um... Actually, I hear, uh, movies are good for that kind of thing. Why don't you, uh... Why don't you take in about two or three right in a row, there?
Rachel: I know - smell. I'm wearing that perfume that always drove you so crazy.
Sam: Oh, Devastation, huh? Uh... Actually, I got this, uh, this head cold. Uh, I wouldn't want you to catch it. Um, I'm sorry, uh what do you say, some other time, huh?
Rachel: Well, okay. Oh, Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Rachel: A friend of mine snapped this of me on a beach in Ipanema. I thought you might like a copy.
Sam: Oh. Would you excuse me just for a minute here? [to the heavens] Look at this! I mean, this is not fair. I mean, I'm going for it. It's- It's not like I'm murdering anybody. l- l'm just going to bring a great deal of pleasure to two people. So, if in Your, uh, infinite wisdom, You feel You have to smite me down, then please make it quick and painless. And if You could give me about three hours, I'd appreciate it.

Carla: Sam? [sniffing] Devastation. The hound is loose. [to the heavens] Please, go easy on him.

Norm: Woods, refill, please.
Woody: Yeah, sure. Whatever you want.
Cliff: Hey, hey, hey. Why so down in the mouth there, bud?
Woody: Well, I'm understudying another play, and I know I'm never gonna get to go on, because the star never gets sick. But, darn it, the part is perfect for me.
Cliff: Yeah? What is that part?
Woody: Moses. My theater group is doing an original play, An Evening With the Prophets.
Norm: Mm.
Woody: I got more lines than any of the other Israelites. [Norm chuckles] But I managed to jam them all in, right up here.
Cliff: Mm. Yeah, your head looks packed, all right.

Cliff: Uh, so who's this Denise?
Sam: Aw, she was somebody we had quite a thing going there a while ago. And then we both realized that sex wasn't anything to base a relationship on, so six months later, we broke up.
Norm: Uh-huh. Yeah, she must be quite a dish if you're willing to pass up on door number one over there.
Sam: Well, it's kind of like avocados. One of them's ripe, and ready to be squashed into guacamole. And the other one needs to stay on the shelf a little while longer.