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‘Swear to God’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Swear to God

702. Swear to God

Aired November 3, 1988

When Sam is in the middle of a pregnancy scare, he makes a deal with God that he will stop chasing women around.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, Sam, hey, uh, back from the Denise decathlon, huh? [chuckles] Got a, uh, another gold medal in the "broad" jump?
Sam: You know, you got a big mouth, Clavin.
Cliff: Hey, he happens to be right, you know. Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the, uh, Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. Yeah, you see, that's the only way that we can prove that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
Frasier: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me what color is the sky in your world?

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Quote from Sam

Carla: Well, what's the big deal, you know? You can just do what all the other jerks do. You pay a little money for support, and you get off the hook.
Sam: No, Carla, it means a lot more to me than that. I'm telling you, if this, if this kid is mine, then then I want to see that he's fed, that he's clothed, and that he's educated. You know, I'm- l'm gonna take him to, to Little League games, too. I'm gonna be the best damn father you've ever seen. Please don't let him be mine! Oh! Oh! I tell you, if I get out of this, I swear to God, I am through fooling around forever.
Carla: Sam, don't swear to God.
Sam: No, I mean it, I mean it, if I get out of this, I swear to God, I'll never have sex again.
Carla: You? Never?
Sam: Yeah, not ever. I mean, for the rest... Well, three months, three months.
Carla: Well, I guess the amount of sex you have in three months is what most people have in a lifetime.
Sam: Huh. If they're attractive, I guess.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Let's address this problem, Sam.
Sam: Well, I don't know anything about submarines.
Frasier: Well, surely you have other interests. Sports, sailing, music?
Sam: Well, yeah, I had a piano lesson once. Actually, I had the piano teacher and it was twice, but I liked it.
Frasier: Well, I'll tell you. If you were to sit down at the piano today and channel your energies into it, you would find all your sexual tensions pouring out through your fingertips.
Sam: Yeah, fingertips. Yeah, right.
Frasier: And best of all, Sam, no matter how badly you perform, a piano never laughs. Never stomps out of the room and refuses to let you play again for three days. Well, I'm off to Lilith.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Carla, I just left myself wide open for one of Sam's sleazy remarks, and nothing. I mean, not that I want to, but what does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.
Carla: Oh, Rebecca, would you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.
Rebecca: Oh, you're just saying that.
Carla: Yes, I am. I was taught to humor old folks.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Come on, God's a sport. People make promises like that all the time, but if God had to collect on all of them, He wouldn't have any time to create natural wonders like that, for instance. I'll see you... Oh, boy. Give me a minute here.
Carla: Listen, Sammy, I don't want to tell you how to run your life, but I want to tell you this: don't mess with God. Look at all the people in the Bible who did. The entire population of Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot's wife, turned into a salt lick with boobs.
Sam: Come on, what- What's He gonna do? Reach down from the clouds and snatch me up? You know, you...
Woody: [enters] Halt, infidel!

Quote from Sam

Carla: No, no, Sam! He has sent His messenger.
Sam: Me- What messenger? That is just Woody.
Carla: You think it's a coincidence that Woody came in just at that very moment dressed as Moses? I mean, of all the plays he could have been in, Sammy. He could have been dressed as Auntie Mame. Would that have scared you?
Sam: Yeah, a little.
Carla: Let's face it, Sam, that was a warning, and you'd better take heed.
Sam: Oh, come on, what's He gonna do?
Carla: Well, my cousin Tino...
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: ...swore he'd give up meat. That night, he ate a burger. The next day, his teeth fell out.
Sam: Oh, come on, Carla. There's no connection here. I swore I would not have sex, so... [shudders]

Quote from Frasier

Sam: So, believe it or not, I've given up sex entirely. But you got to promise not to tell anybody.
Frasier: Well, Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. Besides, who'd believe me? You were saying?
Sam: Well, I was just wondering what you think I ought to do.
Frasier: Well, you need to find another outlet for your sexual energies.
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Frasier: For example, during six painfully frustrating months of my adolescence, I built a submarine in our basement.
Sam: One of those little plastic models?
Frasier: No, life-size. Slept six. The happiest hours of my youth were spent down there in the dark shouting, "Fire one. Fire two." Well, enough about me.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Sammy, now you've done it. There's nothing in your future but frogs and locusts. Why'd you have to go and do it, Sammy?
Sam: I didn't do it.
Frasier: What?
Sam: I didn't do it. We went to the hotel, she got into bed, I got into bed with her. Then I was folding up my socks, and I was...
Carla: You fold up your socks?
Sam: Sure. I'm not an animal. Anyway, all of a sudden, for no reason, I went over and l, and I opened the nightstand drawer. And there it was, staring right up at me. The Bible. Can you imagine that, a Bible in a hotel room? So, we we got out of there real quick, and we got another room, and there it was again. I mean, we we went from hotel to hotel, and it just followed us wherever we went. Then it dawned on me. This was a bona fide miracle. God was speaking to me directly through hotel nightstands.
Carla: He works in mysterious ways.
Sam: Amen. Amen.
Frasier: Excuse me, Sam, but, uh, in all the years you played baseball, traveling throughout the country, all the hotel rooms you stayed in, didn't you ever once notice?
Carla: Uh, Frasier, Sam was just telling us about a miracle that affected him very deeply. Now, what was it that you were noticing?
Frasier: Well, th- They always put those little strips of paper across the toilets. Just an observation.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Oh, and Carla, you know that, uh, pitcher of beer you left on your tray? Some guy from table six came and drank it.
Carla: We don't have a table six.
Norm: I knew I should have said table five.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Well, I would like your advice, Father. Actually, it's for a friend of mine. He, uh, got himself into kind of a bind, and so, in desperation, promised God he'd give up something.
Father Barry: And what did he promise to give up?
Sam: Sweets.
Father Barry: Oh. I see. [chuckles]
Sam: Yeah, but my friend really likes sweets a lot. You know, and sweets like him a lot. And he hasn't had sweets now for about two weeks, and if he doesn't have sweets soon, he's gonna explode.
Father Barry: I see, and God's contractual obligation was to get your friend out of this bind you spoke of.
Sam: Yes, sir. Which He did.
Father Barry: Well, then, what is the problem?
Sam: Well, m- My friend was wondering what the penalty would be if he, say you know, had a huge box of chocolates.
Father Barry: Sam, I think this is between you and your God.
Sam: Yeah, right. Oh, how did- How'd you know it was me?
Father Barry: In all the years people have been coming here for their friends, I have never met one of their friends.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Go on, test me. Give me a cue.
Norm: All right. Well, what's the first line?
Woody: "And I have said I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt under the land of the Canaanites and the Hittites, and the Amorites and the Parasites, and the Hivites."
Cliff: Wait, wait, wa-wa-wait. What, uh, what happened to the Cellulites?
Norm: They, uh, settled in the land of Vera.
Cliff: [laughs] Did you hear what he said?

Quote from Sam

Suzanne: Boy, what a day.
Sam: Yeah?
Suzanne: Yeah, I can't wait for it to end. All I can think about is getting home and jumping into bed.
Sam: Need anybody to break your fall? Hi. Sam Malone.
Suzanne: Hi. Suzanne Porter.
Sam: How do you do?
Woody: Sam, you done picking up on this lady?
Sam: [clears throat] Not quite, Woody.
Woody: Well, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but, uh, Denise called.
Sam: Oh, Denise.
Suzanne: Who's Denise?
Sam: Um... Uh, my brother's kid. Uh, De-niece. Yeah, I have to say hi to her, and De-nephew.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Okay, Sammy, spill your guts. What's the matter?
Sam: Carla, I just said that I- I want-
Carla: Yeah, but you're gonna end up telling me eventually, so you might as well get it over with. Go on, make you feel better.
Sam: Just keep this to yourself. Remember how I went over to Denise's house? Well, she she didn't invite me over for a good time. She wanted to show me something.
Carla: What?
Sam: My child. Seven pounds, ten ounces, a baby boy. [Carla laughs] What's so funny? [laughing continues]
Carla: Sam Malone finally got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Sam: Carla, come on. This is serious.
Carla: Oh, of course it is, Sam. But I really think you're gonna be okay, you know?
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Just remember this. This little piggy went to market... [laughs]

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, well, yeah, as long as I'm busted, I guess I might as well tell you the truth here. I- I didn't promise to give up sweets. I promised to give up sex.
Father Barry: Ah... that is a tough one. You know, Sam, the Church does recommend chastity to unmarried people.
Sam: [chuckles] Oh, I'm sorry. You were serious. Uh... How do you do that? I mean, what do you do? How do you not? I mean, a-are there special tricks, or a certain way of sitting, maybe?
Father Barry: Well, yes, but we are strictly forbidden to reveal it.
Sam: You're kidding.
Father Barry: Yes.
Sam: Oh.
Father Barry: You know, Sam, I think you're looking for someone to tell you it's all right to break your vow, but I can't do that. You know, I've found that people who come here looking for answers usually know what the answer is, and I think you do, too.
Sam: Yeah, maybe. Well, thank you.

Quote from Woody

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah, this is him. You're kidding. Moses has an ear infection. Yeah, all right. Yeah. I'll be right there. [hangs up]
Cliff: So, Woody, they gonna let you go on?
Woody: Uh, no, I got to stop by the drugstore and pick up some antibiotics.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Carla, I ca- I can't take this anymore. I mean, I tried everything. I've stopped eating oysters, I'm taking cold showers, I even started stuffing ice in my pockets. I tell you, I'm not going to make it.
Carla: Oh, Sammy, buck up. You only have nine more weeks to go.
Sam: I'm talking about tonight.

Quote from Sam

Rachel: Listen, I have got an 18-hour layover, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. How'd you like to help me kill some time?
Sam: Listen, what, um... Actually, I hear, uh, movies are good for that kind of thing. Why don't you, uh... Why don't you take in about two or three right in a row, there?
Rachel: I know - smell. I'm wearing that perfume that always drove you so crazy.
Sam: Oh, Devastation, huh? Uh... Actually, I got this, uh, this head cold. Uh, I wouldn't want you to catch it. Um, I'm sorry, uh what do you say, some other time, huh?
Rachel: Well, okay. Oh, Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Rachel: A friend of mine snapped this of me on a beach in Ipanema. I thought you might like a copy.
Sam: Oh. Would you excuse me just for a minute here? [to the heavens] Look at this! I mean, this is not fair. I mean, I'm going for it. It's- It's not like I'm murdering anybody. l- l'm just going to bring a great deal of pleasure to two people. So, if in Your, uh, infinite wisdom, You feel You have to smite me down, then please make it quick and painless. And if You could give me about three hours, I'd appreciate it.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sam? [sniffing] Devastation. The hound is loose. [to the heavens] Please, go easy on him.

Quote from Woody

Norm: Woods, refill, please.
Woody: Yeah, sure. Whatever you want.
Cliff: Hey, hey, hey. Why so down in the mouth there, bud?
Woody: Well, I'm understudying another play, and I know I'm never gonna get to go on, because the star never gets sick. But, darn it, the part is perfect for me.
Cliff: Yeah? What is that part?
Woody: Moses. My theater group is doing an original play, An Evening With the Prophets.
Norm: Mm.
Woody: I got more lines than any of the other Israelites. [Norm chuckles] But I managed to jam them all in, right up here.
Cliff: Mm. Yeah, your head looks packed, all right.

Quote from Sam

Cliff: Uh, so who's this Denise?
Sam: Aw, she was somebody we had quite a thing going there a while ago. And then we both realized that sex wasn't anything to base a relationship on, so six months later, we broke up.
Norm: Uh-huh. Yeah, she must be quite a dish if you're willing to pass up on door number one over there.
Sam: Well, it's kind of like avocados. One of them's ripe, and ready to be squashed into guacamole. And the other one needs to stay on the shelf a little while longer.

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