Cliff: Hey, Sam, hey, uh, back from the Denise decathlon, huh? [chuckles] Got a, uh, another gold medal in the "broad" jump?
Sam: You know, you got a big mouth, Clavin.
Cliff: Hey, he happens to be right, you know. Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the, uh, Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. Yeah, you see, that's the only way that we can prove that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
Frasier: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me what color is the sky in your world?

Carla: Well, what's the big deal, you know? You can just do what all the other jerks do. You pay a little money for support, and you get off the hook.
Sam: No, Carla, it means a lot more to me than that. I'm telling you, if this, if this kid is mine, then then I want to see that he's fed, that he's clothed, and that he's educated. You know, I'm- l'm gonna take him to, to Little League games, too. I'm gonna be the best damn father you've ever seen. Please don't let him be mine! Oh! Oh! I tell you, if I get out of this, I swear to God, I am through fooling around forever.
Carla: Sam, don't swear to God.
Sam: No, I mean it, I mean it, if I get out of this, I swear to God, I'll never have sex again.
Carla: You? Never?
Sam: Yeah, not ever. I mean, for the rest... Well, three months, three months.
Carla: Well, I guess the amount of sex you have in three months is what most people have in a lifetime.
Sam: Huh. If they're attractive, I guess.

Frasier: Let's address this problem, Sam.
Sam: Well, I don't know anything about submarines.
Frasier: Well, surely you have other interests. Sports, sailing, music?
Sam: Well, yeah, I had a piano lesson once. Actually, I had the piano teacher and it was twice, but I liked it.
Frasier: Well, I'll tell you. If you were to sit down at the piano today and channel your energies into it, you would find all your sexual tensions pouring out through your fingertips.
Sam: Yeah, fingertips. Yeah, right.
Frasier: And best of all, Sam, no matter how badly you perform, a piano never laughs. Never stomps out of the room and refuses to let you play again for three days. Well, I'm off to Lilith.

Rebecca: Carla, I just left myself wide open for one of Sam's sleazy remarks, and nothing. I mean, not that I want to, but what does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.
Carla: Oh, Rebecca, would you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.
Rebecca: Oh, you're just saying that.
Carla: Yes, I am. I was taught to humor old folks.

Sam: Come on, God's a sport. People make promises like that all the time, but if God had to collect on all of them, He wouldn't have any time to create natural wonders like that, for instance. I'll see you... Oh, boy. Give me a minute here.
Carla: Listen, Sammy, I don't want to tell you how to run your life, but I want to tell you this: don't mess with God. Look at all the people in the Bible who did. The entire population of Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot's wife, turned into a salt lick with boobs.
Sam: Come on, what- What's He gonna do? Reach down from the clouds and snatch me up? You know, you...
Woody: [enters] Halt, infidel!

Carla: No, no, Sam! He has sent His messenger.
Sam: Me- What messenger? That is just Woody.
Carla: You think it's a coincidence that Woody came in just at that very moment dressed as Moses? I mean, of all the plays he could have been in, Sammy. He could have been dressed as Auntie Mame. Would that have scared you?
Sam: Yeah, a little.
Carla: Let's face it, Sam, that was a warning, and you'd better take heed.
Sam: Oh, come on, what's He gonna do?
Carla: Well, my cousin Tino...
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: ...swore he'd give up meat. That night, he ate a burger. The next day, his teeth fell out.
Sam: Oh, come on, Carla. There's no connection here. I swore I would not have sex, so... [shudders]

Sam: So, believe it or not, I've given up sex entirely. But you got to promise not to tell anybody.
Frasier: Well, Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. Besides, who'd believe me? You were saying?
Sam: Well, I was just wondering what you think I ought to do.
Frasier: Well, you need to find another outlet for your sexual energies.
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Frasier: For example, during six painfully frustrating months of my adolescence, I built a submarine in our basement.
Sam: One of those little plastic models?
Frasier: No, life-size. Slept six. The happiest hours of my youth were spent down there in the dark shouting, "Fire one. Fire two." Well, enough about me.

Carla: Sammy, now you've done it. There's nothing in your future but frogs and locusts. Why'd you have to go and do it, Sammy?
Sam: I didn't do it.
Frasier: What?
Sam: I didn't do it. We went to the hotel, she got into bed, I got into bed with her. Then I was folding up my socks, and I was...
Carla: You fold up your socks?
Sam: Sure. I'm not an animal. Anyway, all of a sudden, for no reason, I went over and l, and I opened the nightstand drawer. And there it was, staring right up at me. The Bible. Can you imagine that, a Bible in a hotel room? So, we we got out of there real quick, and we got another room, and there it was again. I mean, we we went from hotel to hotel, and it just followed us wherever we went. Then it dawned on me. This was a bona fide miracle. God was speaking to me directly through hotel nightstands.
Carla: He works in mysterious ways.
Sam: Amen. Amen.
Frasier: Excuse me, Sam, but, uh, in all the years you played baseball, traveling throughout the country, all the hotel rooms you stayed in, didn't you ever once notice?
Carla: Uh, Frasier, Sam was just telling us about a miracle that affected him very deeply. Now, what was it that you were noticing?
Frasier: Well, th- They always put those little strips of paper across the toilets. Just an observation.

Norm: Oh, and Carla, you know that, uh, pitcher of beer you left on your tray? Some guy from table six came and drank it.
Carla: We don't have a table six.
Norm: I knew I should have said table five.

Sam: Well, I would like your advice, Father. Actually, it's for a friend of mine. He, uh, got himself into kind of a bind, and so, in desperation, promised God he'd give up something.
Father Barry: And what did he promise to give up?
Sam: Sweets.
Father Barry: Oh. I see. [chuckles]
Sam: Yeah, but my friend really likes sweets a lot. You know, and sweets like him a lot. And he hasn't had sweets now for about two weeks, and if he doesn't have sweets soon, he's gonna explode.
Father Barry: I see, and God's contractual obligation was to get your friend out of this bind you spoke of.
Sam: Yes, sir. Which He did.
Father Barry: Well, then, what is the problem?
Sam: Well, m- My friend was wondering what the penalty would be if he, say you know, had a huge box of chocolates.
Father Barry: Sam, I think this is between you and your God.
Sam: Yeah, right. Oh, how did- How'd you know it was me?
Father Barry: In all the years people have been coming here for their friends, I have never met one of their friends.