Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: How you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Poor.
Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Norm: No, I meant, pour.

Norm: You sending another recorded message home to the folks, Wood?
Woody: Oh, yeah. It's a lot cheaper than a phone call. [recording] Hi, folks. This is your son, Woody... Boyd. But enough about me. You know, things have been getting really crazy around Cheers lately. Remember I told you that Sam was going out with this real pretty politician lady named Janet Eldridge? Well, things are still going hot and heavy. Oh, Miss Chambers quit. Yeah, I think this stuff between Sam and Miss Eldridge finally got to her. Anyway, she says she's never coming back in here again. Gee, I'm gonna miss her. Well, that's it. Bye. [stops tape] Let's hear how it sounds.
Winston Churchill: [on tape] We shall fight on the seas and the oceans. We shall fight in growing confidence and growing strength in the air.
Woody: You know, I guess it's true. You listen to the sound of your own voice, it always sounds different.

Carla: Hey, whitey. About that dye job crack... I'm sorry.
Diane: You're sorry? I don't think I've heard you say that before. [Woody hands Diane drinks] Thanks, Woody.
Carla: Yeah, I know. But I figure it's about time. I mean, now that you're Boston's number-one loser, I'm feeling... I'm feeling kind of different about you.
Diane: I'm flattered.
Carla: In fact I wanna apologize for all the crummy things I've said to you over the years.
Diane: Why, thank you, Carla.
Carla: Except for that one about your lizard lips. I like that one.
Diane: Exception noted.
Carla: And you know, the one about you having a personality you could store meat in. I'd like to keep that one alive too.
Diane: This is so like you. Covering up what are obviously some very fine, warm feelings. But I happen to know what you're really saying is you like me.
Carla: You're touching me.
Diane: It's called communication.
Carla: No, it's called a death wish.

Diane: Woody? Woody? May I ask you a question?
Woody: Sure, if you're not fussy about the answer.
Diane: Has Sam ever talked to you about his feelings toward Miss Eldridge?
Woody: Well... I heard him say that he kind of likes her. But in my opinion, you and Sam make a much better couple.
Diane: Really?
Woody: Yeah. You're my two favorite people in the whole world.
Diane: Oh, Woody. [hugs him] Thank you.
Woody: Except for my parents.
Diane: I know.
Woody: And my teachers at school. Oh, wait a minute. I can put you ahead of my 8th grade teacher, Mr. Thorndike. He always had chalk on his suit and he smelled kind of funny. But, you know, I don't wanna hurt Mr. Thorndike's feelings, so let's just forget this conversation.
Diane: I was planning to, Woody.

Carla: Hey, hey. Didn't you see the sign outside? We reserve the right to refuse service to skinny ex-waitresses with bad dye jobs.
Woody: Oh, Carla, couldn't we make an exception just this once?
Diane: Thanks, Woody.

Diane: But I'm not here for the potables. I'm here to see Sam.
Woody: Oh, he should be down in a few minutes. He's upstairs at Melville's with Miss Eldridge. She's telling him what to say and what not to say at the press conference today.
Diane: Oh, there's a press conference?
Woody: Yeah, and it's gonna be right here in the bar.
Diane: Oh, that's quite unorthodox.
Woody: No, I think it's open to all faiths.

Woody: I just wanted to remind you again. When are you gonna replace Miss Chambers? You haven't put an ad in the paper.
Sam: I'll get to it, Woody.
Woody: Well, you keep saying that.
Sam: Would you stop bugging me, please?
Woody: Okay, Sam. Sorry. By the way where is Miss Chambers?
Sam: Hey, how should I know where she is, Wood? Give me a break, will you?
Woody: She came in here to wait.
Sam: She what?
Woody: Yeah. [seeing Diane] Wait on, uh... tables here at Cheers, and you fired her. And you know the rest.
Sam: Thank you for the recap, Woody.

Woody: Miss Chambers? I covered for your eavesdropping this time, but you know, I think you have a real problem. I think you ought to get some help.
Diane: I will, Woody. I promise. Do me one favor, will you? Please, just tell me when Sam steps into the men's room.
Woody: Oh, God, it's worse than I imagined.

Woody: I can't believe this. Cameras, reporters, government officials. And to think, only a few short months ago, I was back in Indiana pumping suds for a bunch of bozos.
Steve: Hey, goober, how about pouring us another round?
Woody: Oh, coming right up.

Norm: Hey, Woody, give us a couple of beers, will you?
Tim: Hey, where you guys been?
Cliff: Ah, Normie took me to meet Donna, the alleged Lolita.
Norm: Yeah, maybe she's not quite as bad as I made her out to be.
Cliff: Are you kidding? She's the sweetest, most innocent freckle-faced youngster I ever wanted to meet. And for you to imply she was unwholesome and behaved in a salacious manner towards you is unbelievable.
Norm: Well, maybe my imagination's a little overactive, I guess.
Cliff: Especially if you think that that young lady is coming on to you. She's coming on to me like gangbusters.
Norm: Cliffie, you know, you're really kind of a handy guy to have around. Just when I think I've gone completely off the deep end, I look over at you, and there you are diving off the cliffs at Acapulco.
Cliff: Yeah, but looking mucho primo in my bikini briefs, eh?