Sam: Carla, I know you don't have a lot of experience with this, but sometimes women get really happy. And when that happens, they get all emotional and vulnerable. And that's when it's time for a fella like me, who's very sensitive and caring, to move in and give new meaning to the words, "triple-decker Sam-ich."

Rebecca: You know, I really don't think this was such a good idea, Sam. And I hope you'll excuse me, Susan, if I don't clean your table scraps.
Sam: Oh, wait a minute, sit down, will you, pl? Girls, girls, girls, what is the big problem between you two anyway?
Rebecca: Sam, it is one of those complicated issues that you can't just pin down into one certain thing.
Sam: Well, try.
Rebecca: [sighs] All right. Dan Buddinger. Mike Dietz, Jeff Carnahan, Ron Allen, Steve Melman, Terry Toban, Clay Fisher...
Sam: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Does this have anything to do with boy trouble?
Rebecca: Yes. The trouble is, she can't keep her hands off my boys.
Susan: If it bothered you that much why didn't you just take them back?
Rebecca: Because I didn't want to stoop to your level! Besides, I tried and it didn't work.
Susan: Look, the point is, that was back when we were kids. A million things have changed.
Rebecca: No, no, no, the fact still remains that every time I am attracted to a guy, you are on him like white on rice. So excuse me if I don't leap over there and say forgive me, please, please, please, for breaking my heart over and over and over and over. Excuse me, I have to get out of here. I have work to do.

Frasier: I snuck out of the house. So don't tell Lilith. Gee, where's Sam?
Woody: Oh, he'll be here any minute. He's still up having lunch with Miss Howe's sister, Miss Howe.
Frasier: Oh, you mean Rebecca's sister's in town.
Cliff: Susan Howe, the, uh, movie star.
Frasier: You mean, the Susan Howe, the star of Night of the Mutants? Wow.
Carla: You saw it?
Frasier: Well, yes. Lilith and I rented it last week.
Norm: Oh, really? You two don't seem the slasher-movie type.
Frasier: Oh, well, purely for scientific purposes of course. But, you know, this may surprise you, I rather enjoyed it. See, I think films with scenes of graphic disembowelment and mutilation can, in some cases, help people to, well, release some of the fears and aggressions of modern society. Also, it's the first time Lilith's mother went home before 9:00... screaming.

Susan: No, please stop. I'm too young to die. [screams]
Frasier: Breathtaking!
Susan: Thanks. You guys are a great audience.
Sam: What'd I miss?
Woody: Have you had her scream for you, Sam?
Sam: Later, Woody. Later.

Sam: Well, fellas at this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's going to spend two minutes getting out of.
Norm: Hey, what are you going to do about that sister, huh?
Sam: Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.
Cliff: Oh, you going to take her out tomorrow night?
Sam: No, I'm going to take her out in a couple of hours. No, don't worry. We'll be back here in the morning for our usual debriefing. By that time, I'll be able to compare and contrast them. And that's when this stuff gets really interesting.
Carla: Sammy?
Sam: Yeah?
Carla: Sorry I was a little hard on you before, but you know, I was just trying to make you reach. Push out the edges of the envelope.
Cliff: We're all proud of you, Sammy.
Norm: God bless you on this night, Sam Malone.

Rebecca: Sam, I'm ready for our date. Susan!
Sam: Uh, Rebecca, I can explain this. Wait, just- Ow. My finger's caught in your bra. Listen-
Rebecca: You don't owe me an explanation. It's Susan. It's always been Susan. My entire life, it has been Susan.
Susan: I'm glad you saw us. You deserve to be hurt.
Rebecca: Oh, no, sister.
Sam: Come on.
Rebecca: I don't hurt anymore; I am way beyond hurt.
Sam: Don't be silly, now, girls, please, please.
Rebecca: And now it is Susan Howe's turn to hurt. [Susan gasps]
Sam: Hey, that's a gun.
Rebecca: It ain't licorice.

Sam: No, come on, let- Let's talk about this. Now, this is silly.
Susan: No, please, I'm too young to die.
Sam: Rebecca. [Susan screams] [gunshot]
Sam: Oh! Holy cow!
Rebecca: That was for Dan Buddinger. And this is for Jeff Carnahan. [gunshot]
Sam: Oh!
Rebecca: And Mike Dietz. [gunshot] And Sam Malone. [three gunshots]
Sam: Oh, boy, oh, boy! What did-?
Rebecca: What is it, Sam?
Sam: Oh!
Rebecca: What, because I killed my sister?
Sam: Uh-huh!
Rebecca: I didn't mean to do that anyway. Oh, well, it's done. All right we got to get this body out of here.

Cliff: Sammy's done it again. How come he always spots the gorgeous ones first?
Norm: 'Cause he doesn't spend all his time peeling dead skin off his elbows?
Cliff: What, are you gonna do it for me?

Sam: So, how can I help you?
Susan: I'm looking for Becky Howe.
Sam: Wow, well, Becky'll be here in a minute. In the meantime, can I interest you in a Sam Malone?
Susan: No, thanks. But I will have a Perrier with lime.
Sam: Ah. Sworn off the hard stuff, huh? Yeah, coming right up.

Sam: So, uh, where do you know Becky from?
Susan: She's my sister. I'm Susan Howe.
Sam: You're sisters?! Well, of course! God, I love sisters! I love the whole idea of sisters. Well, any sister of Rebecca is a... Are there any more of you?
Susan: Uh, afraid not.
Sam: Well, no, that's... You're more than enough. [laughs] Oh, wow!