Diane: Trap you? I'm the best thing to happen to you and you're too stupid to realize it.
Sam: Are you kidding me? You are the worst thing that happened to me. Before you came here, I was a happy man.
Diane: You honestly believe you were happier before you met me than you are now?
Sam: Hell, yes. How do you think it feels to be attracted to someone that makes you sick?
Diane: I could write a book on the subject.
Sam: You can't shut up long enough to write a check. You know, as a matter of fact, you can't shut up at all.
Diane: You are trying to change the subject.
Sam: No, no. The subject is, you can't shut up long enough to kiss me. Yeah, to save your life, I bet you couldn't shut up for 30 seconds. Make it ten.

Carla: You know, I am sick of hearing about her. Ever since Lady Dye-job arrived, she gets all the attention. I mean, nobody cares about me. Nobody asks what Carla's doing any more.
Cliff: Oh, Carla. Come on, now. Be fair. We weren't that interested in your life before she got here.

Diane: Well, I guess I have no choice but to force the issue. Where's Sam?
Coach: He's in the office, honey.
Diane: I'll tell him I'm going away with his brother and see what he does. If, for the first time in his life, he's honest and doesn't hide behind that tough jock facade, I'll stay. But if he does one of his light, gratuitous jokes, I'm leaving. I swear it.
Cliff: Whoa, wait a minute, Diane. Diane. Hold on. I mean, you're putting your whole future on the line in this one moment, here. You're letting your whole life turn on this one response?
Diane: You're right.
Cliff: Can it wait till I go to the head?
Diane: No.
Cliff: I'll hear about it.

Diane: Goodbye, everyone. I'm leaving now. I'll miss you all very much.
Carla: Bye, Diane.
All: Bye-bye.
[As Carla opens the door for Diane, she turns back and barges into Sam's office.]
Sam: Sorry, honey, I'm not interviewing till Monday.

Diane: Get this straight. I'm going away with him.
Sam: Good. Have fun.
Diane: This could lead to marriage, you know. Probably will. Probably nothing. Will lead to marriage.
Sam: Great.
Diane: We'll be Diane and Derek Malone. We'll buy a spread somewhere and call it the Double-D.
Sam: It'll make a nice brand.
Diane: Children. We'll have blonde, blue-eyed children everywhere.
Sam: Have them brush after every meal.
Diane: I'll be your sister-in-law. You'll come over for dinner and say, "She sets a good table and she keeps herself up."
Sam: Had to say something. You just fed me.
Diane: I'll send you Christmas cards every year. "To a wonderful brother at Christmas."
Sam: It'll be nice to be remembered on the holidays.
Diane: The cards will have pictures of us. Derek and l, the kids, the dogs.
Sam: The blonde ones will be the kids?
Diane: This is all right with you?
Sam: If you're happy.
Diane: I'm ecstatic. Goodbye.
Sam: See you at the wedding. Do I get to kiss the bride?
Diane: I think you know what you can kiss.

Diane: Hey, I'm not sticking around in the hope something will happen between us.
Sam: What is it you want from me?
Diane: I want you to tell me what you want.
Sam: Well, I'll tell you what I want. I'll tell you exactly what I want. I want to know what you want.
Diane: You're doing it again.
Sam: Listen, will you just explain one thing to me? It is very important to me. Why aren't you with Derek?
Diane: Because I like you better.
Sam: Oh, Diane, listen. All the jealousy I felt for my brother over the years is nothing to what I felt these last five minutes.

Diane: I think we're about ready to start something that might be great.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should kiss or something.
Diane: Oh, we're not gonna just kiss.
Sam: We're about to start something. I mean, a kiss is where you start, isn't it?
Diane: You don't make an announcement when you're about ready to kiss someone, romantically.
Sam: No, no, no. It wasn't an announcement. I just didn't want to catch you off guard. That's all.
Diane: On our first kiss, it's OK to be off guard. You should be swept away.
Sam: Well, I was. I was.
Diane: Nobody's swept away when they say, "Maybe we should kiss."
Sam: You're right. You're right. Uh, all right, when I do it, I won't say anything.
Diane: No, no. This isn't right, either.
Sam: I didn't say anything. I was swept away.
Diane: Let's face it. The moment's not right. We're too aware of what we're doing.
Sam: All right, you're right. You're right. This whole thing is not going the way it should. Maybe we should just forget about the kiss and hit the sack.

Carla: [v.o.] Is Diane about to fall for Sam's brother? Will Sam's heart be broken? Will Norm find happiness in his new job? Will Coach return to coaching in Venezuela? Will Carl Yastremski please call Cheers and ask for the Spitfire?

Carla: Hey, Sam, I'm proud of you. You took my little wimp speech to heart. It's great to see you back in action again.
Sam: Thank you. Yeah, it took my mind off my brother and your skinny co-worker. I don't even care where they are any more. Where are they?
Carla: [mocking] Well, Bobby and Susie saw them at the drive-in sharing a Coke and fries.

Norm: So, Coach, where's Diane today? She's not out with Derek again? I don't believe it.
Sam: Hey, what happened to all the interesting talk around here? I used to enjoy coming in here and listening to a good conversation. Now there's so much gossip, you should all have dryers on your heads. I'm gonna be in the office.