Coach: [on the phone] Eddie, it's been nice talking to you. Oh, by the way, did I tell you that my wife passed away some time ago? Yeah. Well, thanks, Eddie, I really appreciate that. Is your wife dead yet, Ed? That's good, really. Listen, Ed, I wanna thank you for thinking about me, and I'll get back to you. So long, pal. [hangs up]
Diane: What is it, Coach?
Coach: Pal of mine, Eddie Fuentes, he manages in the Winter Leagues down in Venezuela. He says if I can learn Spanish, he might have a job for me, coaching.
Carla: You mean you're gonna return to coaching, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, Carla, baseball's so much simpler than life, you know? In baseball I always know where I'm at. We're up, I'm in the coach's box. They're up, I'm in the dugout. The game is over, I hit the head, get a cheeseburger.
Carla: Sounds like a great life, Coach.
Coach: It's terrific.

Cliff: You know any Spanish, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, I took some courses for a couple of days just to learn a few phrases.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Coach: Like, "How tall is my dentist?" and "Is that really your sister?" Just enough to get by.
Cliff: You're gonna do fine, Coach.
Coach: Thanks, Cliff.

Coach: Sam, a nuclear bomb just hit Boston.
Sam & Diane: Derek's here.
Coach: They're catching on.

Sam: What do you think? Do you think Diane likes Derek?
Carla: [mocking] "Does Diane like Derek?" I don't know, Sammy. I'll pass her a note in gym.
Sam: No, no, no. I'm serious. I mean, I know what my brother's like around women, and I know Diane...
Carla: You know something, Sam? I used to admire you. But know what's happened to you ever since she got here? You've turned into a big weenie. You're a dink, a wimp, a fred, a loser.
Sam: Well, thank you very much, Carla. I was having a little bit of a confidence problem, but that's been a real boost.

Coach: You want me to take the bar over?
Sam: No.
Coach: Oh, I get it. I get it. You'd rather be here when he's back there, right?
Sam: Yeah, something like that.
Coach: People don't have to draw pictures for me, Sam. Although I like it, but they don't have to.

Carla: Fred and Ginger are taking a break, but they'll be back to nauseate you later on.

Sam: Sit down. Sit down. See, what they were talking about out there is, uh, I used to have this problem with my brother, Derek. It was kind of a... What do you call it? an inferiority complex. But that was a long time ago, and I conquered it. Here it is. Yeah, this is the guy that used to make me feel like nothing.
Diane: Wow.
Sam: Wow, what?
Diane: Well, he's very nice-looking. He'd be even better if he had his two front teeth.
Sam: No, I blacked those out myself. That was before I got over my problem. See, the interesting thing is I didn't go to any psychiatrists. I didn't read any fancy books. I just sat myself down and said, "Hey, my brother's no better than I am."
Diane: I'm sure you're right. What's he do for a living?
Sam: He's an international lawyer.
Diane: Oh, wow.
Sam: Hey, it so happens I come from a very intelligent family. Yeah, I guess Derek does OK for himself. He must make 50, 60 grand a year.
Diane: Oh, are you kidding? Those guys make 10 times that much.
Sam: Wow. Yeah, but it's the job. Last year he traveled so much, he had to buy his own plane. What kind of life is that?
Diane: The poor wretch.

Sam: Who am I kidding? The guy is better at everything than I am. I mean, he's perfect.
Diane: Oh, Sam. He's maybe a man of some accomplishment, but this all sounds like a younger brother idealizing his older sibling.
Sam: You think so?
Diane: Sure. He's just an ordinary Joe. Can I keep this? You must have a sense of humor about these things.
Sam: Yeah, maybe you're right. If guess I looked at it right, it could be funny.
Diane: Sure.
Sam: Maybe one less tooth and a mustache.

Sam: Listen. Wait. I don't want you to worry about me. I'm used to living around Mr. Wonderful all my life. It's no big deal. It's just that when he's in the room, I feel invisible.
Diane: Oh, Sam, I don't pay you a lot of compliments, but I really don't feel you have any need to feel inferior to anyone.
Sam: Thank you. That's very nice. [opens the door]
Diane: Nice voice. Who is that?
Sam: Guess.

Sam: Where are my waitresses?
Norm: Watching the show.
Sam: The show?
Norm: Yeah, Derek's doing trick pool shots. Must have had fun growing up with him. Do you have any idea what kind of gift I could get for Derek?
Sam: Gift?
Norm: Yeah, I feel I should get him something. I mean, he did get me a job.
Sam: He got you a job tonight, after all those months you're been looking for one?
Norm: Not just a job, Sammy. He got me a great job. For the first time I'm gonna have my own parking space. Got a secretary, a window for water bombs, all the perks.
Sam: Well, good for you, Norm. That's great.
Norm: So what can I get him?
Sam: I really don't care what you get him. Get him a tie.
Norm: Sure. I wouldn't dare buy clothes for that guy. He has his lint made in England.