Cliff: Woody, could I have a glass of water there, please?
Woody: You got a headache, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: No, no. Just trying to clear up a little rash on my lower back. Doc says it's stress-related.
Carla: You sure he didn't say diaper-related?
Norm: Cliffie, you're stressing out, huh? What's the deal, buddy?
Cliff: Ah, it's just job-related. You know how it is.
Woody: Oh, I thought you just delivered the mail.
Cliff: Woody, Woody, Woody, A.K.A. Joe Public. [chuckles] You have got no idea what it's like out there in postman's hell. Illegible handwriting, parcels badly taped... Boy, you can't even peek in a window anymore without people going crazy on you. But still, where would we all be if your mailman just disappeared on you?
Woody: We'd probably just all fax things. That way, everything would get there faster, cheaper, and a lot more efficiently.
Cliff: Some more water there, Woody.

Frasier: Hello, fellow denizens.
Sam: Hey, Fras. How you doing? Oh, my, Lilith, you look beautiful.
Carla: Yeah, Lilith. You look like a million bucks.
Lilith: Thank you.
Carla: You didn't let me finish. You look like a million bucks just stampeded across your face.
Lilith: Carla, I hope you don't forget us when you become president of Hallmark.

Frasier: Well, if you'll escort my little starlet out to the car, I will meet you momentarily. You know how in those shows sometimes they have that big opening shot of the audience? I just want to head to the men's room, check my hair.
Carla: I already checked. It's not in there.

Brenda Balzak: Lilith, why don't you introduce us to the men?
Lilith: Well, this is Sam, an uncommitted, sexually active male.
Women: Ooh!
Lilith: And this is my husband Frasier, committed to monogamy and a good little lover.
Frasier: Thank you, dear. Thank you.

Carla: So what you're saying is that once guys like Sammy are done sucking the juice out of babes, they can toss the shriveled husks to guys like Frasier.
Frasier: In a nutshell, yes. But my darling will explain it all in further detail on live television this very afternoon.

Sam: Oh, you're going to be on TV.
Lilith: Yes, some local women's talk show on channel 13.
Cliff: "Teatime with Brenda." That airs at 3:30.
Norm: Cliffie, you watch the afternoon women's talk shows, huh?
Cliff: Well, I might have caught a glimpse of it, you know, as I was jumping through the channels between Combat and the Playboy Channel. Woody, could I have another glass of water, please?

Lilith: Of course, I have my doubts about appearing on a program of such a commercial nature.
Frasier: Well, now, Lilith, this is a highly respected Socratic format for the exchange and dissemination of ideas. Besides, you know, that lady that dresses the parakeets is going to be on.
Sam: Well, I'll be watching you, Lilith. You break a leg, all right?
Frasier: Well, you know, Sam, as the guest's husband, I have two tickets to the show. I was hoping maybe you'd come along and help me cheer Lilith on.
Sam: Oh, I don't think I want to be sitting in that audience.
Frasier: Oh, what? Is your masculinity threatened by an audience full of women, huh?
Sam: No, it's not that.
Frasier: No, please. I don't want to be the only boy.

Brenda Balzak: Now, I noticed your book was dedicated to your husband. Is he a bad boy?
Frasier: Quite the opposite. In fact, that would be him sitting right over there with his hands folded neatly on his lap. [applause] I think we could all see that your husband is the kind of man we should want.
Lilith: I think so, yes.
Brenda Balzak: Then why don't we?
Lilith: Well, according to my thesis, women, as they evolve, will eventually seek out a relationship such as mine and Frasier's.
Brenda Balzak: You mean a relationship that's stable and secure... Like a comfortable old shoe?
Lilith: Well, yes.
Brenda Balzak: Who's that sitting with your husband? Another comfortable old shoe?
Lilith: No. That's a friend of ours. Coincidentally, the perfect example of the classic bad boy.

Brenda Balzak: Well, all right, we've met the men. Let's put Dr. Sternin-Crane's thesis to the test. How many of us would like to sleep with Sam? [women applaud] And how many of you would like to sleep with Frasier? [Lilith and one woman in the back applauds]
Sam: In the back row.
Brenda Balzak: Sam, we know you're bad for us. Why do we want you so darn much? Is it because you're forbidden, untamable?
Sam: Well, now, you know, I think some girl could probably tame me. For example, that blonde in the third row there. No, no, nix that. Let's give the whole third row a shot at it.
Woman: What about the second row?
Sam: Oh, one row at a time, ladies.

Norm: You know, Frasier's helped each and every one of us at one point or another. Now he's going out to do something he just may regret. I think we should try to do exactly what we always hoped Frasier would do in the same situation.
Woody: What's that?
Norm: Mind our own business.
Woody: Good call, Mr. Peterson.