Diane: What happened?
Sam: Uh, well, I guess he got a better interview.
Diane: No, no. What happened to the Boog person?
Sam: He grounded to third.

Diane: How long have you wanted to do that?
Sam: Do what?
Diane: Kiss me. How long have you denied that burning desire?
Sam: It just came to me. It was an impulse.
Diane: Good, cos if you've been thinking about anything between us, it's out of the question.
Sam: No, no, I haven't.
Diane: Good.
Sam: Listen, Diane. Thank you. I will put the past behind me, and tomorrow I'll feel better. But tonight I'm gonna feel bad. OK?
Diane: Yeah, OK.

Diane: Sam, will you do me a favor?
Sam: You want me to try and take your purse, right?
Diane: OK, I deserved that. No, I'm curious. I want to hear about the Booger.
Sam: The what?
Diane: The guy from Baltimore.
Sam: Listen, Diane, I know when I'm being patronized. I may not have had 80 majors, but I know when I'm being patronized. Second game, bottom of the ninth, Boog's up again...
Diane: Again?
Sam: Oh, yeah, I'm seeing the clown in my dreams. See, if I serve him a gopher ball, we're five games out of first place with eight to play. Now, there's only one guy on base, but it happens to be Don Buford. He's over there on first base dancing around. I had to go over there, uh, 20 times.
Diane: To talk to him about dancing?
Sam: No. You see, you gotta throw the ball to first to keep the runner close to the bag. If you don't...
Diane: Wait, wait. Don't you throw the ball at the batter?
Sam: Look, this story's going nowhere. Why don't we just forget it.
Diane: Good. Now we have time for my cheerleader story.
Sam: OK, Buford's on first...

Dave: Roll tape.
Camera Man: Rolling.
Producer: Action!
Dave: [serious tone] I'm standing here in a popular Boston watering hole called Cheers.
Diane: [mocking] What's wrong with his voice?
Sam: Come on, Diane, this is television!

Dave: Most of you will recognize the guy standing next to me. Or maybe you don't when he's not in his Red Sox uniform. This is Sam "Mayday" Malone, ex-relief pitcher from the Boston Red Sox, and now owner and bartender at Cheers. How you doing, Sam?
Sam: I'm all right, Dave, thanks.
Dave: That's great. You've been out of baseball, what, for five years now. Do you miss it?
Sam: Well, you know, I miss the fans. The people of Boston were very good to me.
Dave: Yeah. Tell us about some of the great moments you had here.
Sam: Uh, well, I guess I'd have to say one day in Baltimore.
Dave: You wanna tell us a little bit about that, Sam?
Sam: Well, I was... I was working both ends of a double header. It's the old story. First game, bottom of the ninth. I'm coming in with a man on second and third. We're holding on to a one-run lead against the Birds. And, uh, Boog Powell's coming up. [chuckles] I could feel the wind from his warm-up swings. I mean, the guy had the heaviest bat in the League. Papers were full of him. So I figure the only way I'm going to get him is to challenge him on the first pitch. If I get cute, he's going to kill me. So I decide I'm gonna make him wait on me, make him sweat a little bit. I adjust my cap a few times, go down to the rosin bag a couple of times, walk around the mound two or three times... Then, when I figure he's getting antsy-
Man: [enters] Dave, John McEnroe called. Said he's got something to get off his chest.
Dave: McEnroe.
Sam: Hey, Dave, what...?
Dave: Sam, thank you. I'll catch you later.

Diane: Sam, I'm sorry I was late. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't.

Dave: You're still a big name in this town, Sam. We can do it here in the bar.
Coach: You can't ask for more than that, Sam.
Dave: And besides, you owe me a favor.
Sam: I do?
Dave: Yeah. Remember that night in Chicago in 1973, with those two young...
Sam: Dollars I borrowed? Yeah.
Diane: Two young dollars?
Sam: Yeah, I hate it when they're wrinkled.

Harry: Coach, I'll give you a $30 bill, and we're even.
Coach: What do you think, Sam?
Sam: There's no such thing as a $30 bill.
Harry: Wanna bet?
Sam: Get out of my bar, Harry!
Harry: Wait a minute. You owe me $10! Is this a clip joint?
Sam: I'm sorry. Here.
Harry: Now, you know, Sam, you got the wrong idea about me.
Sam: No, I don't. Now, Harry, you got ten seconds to get out of my bar. Now, give me back my watch!
Harry: I'm trying to help you guys out. I mean, if you wanna upgrade...
Sam: Out!