Sam: Welcome. I'm Sam Malone, your host and owner of Cheers. You may remember me as Mayday Malone, the relief pitcher for the Red Sox? Anyway, I just want you to know the autographs are free, but the drinks are gonna cost you.
Woman: Make him go away, Neal.
Sam: Well, welcome.

Sam: Carla, a couple tables over here you may wanna get to.
Carla: Gee, wait on tables. Is that what a waitress is supposed to do? Thanks for the tip, Sam.
Sam: Diane, we need a mop over here, please.
Diane: [to Carla] I'll buy the bullets if you'll pull the trigger.
Carla: Shooting is too quick. I want him to suffer. Why don't you date him again?

Diane: Sam, this isn't working. We've done this for a week, and I haven't seen any more customers than there were before you took over as host. In fact, there are less. And you haven't come up with one good idea to increase business.
Sam: Tonight's different. I've booked a whole lodge into this place. I mean, tonight-- Tonight we're making Cheers history here. A little of the old Malone magic is beginning to spread.
Diane: I could use some of that on my flowers.

Sam: Gather around, employees, please. Okay, now, next couple hours it's gonna be hell. You're gonna be running your little tushies off. But tonight, when you put your head down on the pillow, you're gonna know it was worth it, because tonight is the night that we put Cheers on the map.
[Three men enter]
Carla: You guys are the whole lodge?
Man: Yeah, we just got our charter last week.
Diane: You're right, Sam. We just got on the map. Cheers, population: three Caribou, one jackass.

Sam: All right, I'll admit that things haven't turned out exactly the way I planned them, but it'll be okay. They'll tell their friends, and their friends will tell their friends.
Man: Do you have anything else? I'm allergic to shellfish.
Norm: Sammy, I'd face reality if I were you. You have three guys in bad suits and enough food to cater the Crusades.
Carla: Next to this, Hula Night was a smashing success.

Sam: Hey, leave me alone, please.
Diane: Oh, Sam, I'm sorry. It's just obvious what has to happen here. You have to go back behind the bar.
Sam: I know. I know. I've known it for a long time.
Diane: But why aren't you doing anything about it?
Sam: Well, because doing something about it means I have to fire Ken.
Diane: Oh, right. And he's such a nice guy too.
Sam: Yeah, damn it. All right, I've put this off long enough. Go get Ken. I'll handle this right now, and I'll do it quickly, cleanly and painlessly. Just like a surgeon. Yeah. Yeah, just like a surgeon.
Diane: Very well. He's headed this way. All right. I suggest you start scrubbing up, Dr. Malone.

Diane: Well, quite an operation, Dr. Malone.
Sam: What am I gonna do? I can't fire Woody.
Diane: Well, maybe if he knew the situation, he'd wanna go. Why don't you just explain it to him, and let him draw his own conclusion? Maybe he'll volunteer to leave. He's such a sweet guy. I'll bet he will.
Sam: Boy, he is a sweet guy.
Diane: Of course he will. Sam, you look quite natural sitting there with a babe on each knee.
Sam: Ah, she's seen babes in my lap before.
Diane: Yes, but these know how to tie their own shoes. Goodbye, you sweet little cherubs. [exits]
Boy: I don't like her.
Sam: Try dating her.

Sam: So, what it boils down to, Woody, is I'm gonna have to let somebody go.
Woody: Boy, that's tough, Sam.
Sam: Yeah. You kids are getting awful heavy here. Why don't you go sit on old Uncle Woody's lap there, huh? There you go. There you go.
Woody: Hey, there we go.
Sam: Okay, now, Woody, try to follow me closely on this, okay? Now, see, I can't fire myself because, well, I own the place.
Woody: Well, that makes sense.
Sam: Yeah. So that means either you or Ken, the father of these two kids. You get what I'm saying here, Woody?
Woody: No.
Boy: I do. I do.
Sam: No, no, no. Listen, maybe you kids ought to go now, huh? Thank you. Bye-bye, sweetheart, bye-bye.

Woody: You're firing me, Sam.
Sam: Woody, l-- Boy, I don't know what to say here, man.
Woody: Leave Cheers. You know, I always thought this job was just too good to keep forever. Well, I understand. You know, I'm young and unattached, and I can afford to be out of work more than Ken.
Sam: You are the sweetest guy I know.
Woody: You are too, Sam. [they hug]
Sam: Whoa, what are we doing here? This doesn't have to be a big goodbye. I'll help you find another job, and if Ken ever leaves, you'll be first in line.
Woody: I appreciate that.
Sam: Woody--
Woody: No, I know what you're gonna say, Sam.
Sam: Really? I don't.
Woody: Well, it would have been great. I'll see you, Sam. I'm gonna go get my things.