Sam: This has to do with me. This has to do with my life. I mean, Don was up with the Red Sox for what, a cup of coffee, for goodness sake. I was there five years, and now this clown is a celebrity, and I'm paying my employees to come talk to me.
Carla: You're gonna be paying us a lot more unless this conversation starts getting exciting.
Sam: Okay, fair enough. I brought you in here because I wanna ask you a question: What is Cheers missing?
Woody: A mechanical bull.
Sam: No, Woody, that was one of those questions you ask when you don't really want an answer.
Woody: Oh, you mean, rhetorical.
Sam: Yeah, rhetorical, right.

Sam: Anyway, what I'm gonna do here, is I am gonna come out from behind the bar, and I'm gonna become a full-time manager/host.
Carla: A what?
Sam: Manager/host. Yeah, I greet people. No, it's perfect. I mean, let's face it. I'm recognized on the street.
Diane: So is a fire hydrant.

Carla: Hey, what's with the spread, Sam?
Sam: Well, I really topped myself tonight. I booked a party in here. The-- Let's see. The Fraternal Order of the Caribou's sending a group over.
Diane: Great. A group of loudmouthed, rowdy conventioneers, drinking like fish, swearing like sailors, and putting their paws all over us.
Carla: Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Sam: All right, it's okay. I know things haven't gone exactly great up to this point, but they will, they will. I'll think of something.
Cliff: Hey, skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.
Sam: That's not bad.
Carla: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want people having to look at something I'm ashamed of.
Sam: You got a lovely body.
Cliff: Yeah.
Carla: I'm talking about hers.
Cliff: You see, Sammy, topless waitresses, scientific fact, they can deliver drinks faster than their clothed counterparts.
Carla: Just forget it, Clavin. This is just your slimy way of trying to cop a look at my tooters.

Sam: Woody, Woody, Woody. Wait, wait, wait, man. Wait, wait, wait. Listen, there's somebody in the bar here, somebody from the Harvard Club, who wants to hire Ken, so you don't have to leave. I mean, just get back behind the bar, man. God. What a relief.
Woody: Wait a minute, Sam.
Sam: What?
Woody: What do you think I am? I got fired from a job that means more to me than anything else in the world, and you want me to just come walking back in here because Ken wants to leave? Well, I can't do that.
Sam: Listen, I need you. Please, isn't there anything I can do to change your mind here?
Woody: Hundred-dollar-a-month raise?
Sam: Hundred dollars? [Woody starts to walk out] No, no, Woody, wait, wait. I need you. Yeah, okay, a hundred bucks.
Woody: It's a deal.

Cliff: [talking to himself] You go all over town... There ought to be a law. Bunch of meatheads.
Carla: So it's true. He keeps on talking even when people aren't there.
Norm: Yes, but if no one's there to hear it, does he really make a sound?

Sam: I wanna see all my employees in my office, immediately. [nobody follows Sam into his office] Cheers staff, this means you. In the office, on the double. [still nobody] Hey, come on, you heard me.
Carla: We didn't hear the magic word.
Sam: Wh- Oh. Please.
Carla: That's not it.
Sam: Come on, Carla, what's the magic word?
Carla: Money. We all want a dollar.
Sam: Okay, okay, all right. Come on, come on, here you go. Here's one for you. Here you go. One for you. One for you. Whoa, wait, whoa. What are you trying to do? Beat me out of a buck here?
Norm: Sammy. I'm here out of a fierce sense of loyalty as your accountant, pal. And the dollar is your little way of saying thank you.

Sam: I want you all to take a look at this in the newspaper. It really got me going here.
Norm: "Grown Man Lives in Refrigerator"?
Sam: No. No, no. Not that part. Let me see that. Oh, my God, look at that. He's got a TV in there.
Diane: Sam, what is this about?
Sam: Oh, yeah, all right. Yeah, column three, down at the bottom.
Diane: "Don Talbot's Locker Room, Grand Opening."
Sam: Yeah, not only that, Don has got two other pubs opening the same time. I mean, he's doing fantastic business here.
Woody: What's this got to do with the guy in the refrigerator?
Sam: Nothing, Woody, nothing.

Norm: Hey, now wait. Time out, Sammy. Does this mean that you're gonna be hiring another full-time bartender?
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: I have to advise you, I think that's unwise.
Sam: You sure?
Norm: I'd stake my career on it.
Sam: You're unemployed.
Norm: All right, I'll stake your career on it.

Norm: Sammy, I'm sceptical, but more importantly, I'm thirsty, so... [goes back to the bar]