Sam: You know, it would've been nice to have her back in the bar. Come to think of it, you know, how much work would there be for her really to do? I mean, do I really need a manager?
Man: [enters] I've got a truckload of sorghum for a Sam Malone.
Sam: I didn't say I wanted sorghum. I said I wanted "some more gum." God, I hate voice mail.
Man: It's not my problem. Uh... Where do you want me to put this?
Sam: Oh, I don't know. What is sorghum, anyway?
Woody: Oh, it's grain, Sam. It's used to feed livestock.
Sam: So, if I put it in a bowl, would those guys eat it?
Woody: Are you kidding? I was late putting out the Beer Nuts last night and Mr. Peterson almost snapped off my thumb.
Sam: Fill 'em up.

Norm: Woody, this new trail mix is great.
Pete: Yeah.
Norm: Yeah, slide another bowl down, please.
Woody: You might want to mix a raw egg in there, Mr. Peterson. Makes your coat nice and shiny.
Norm: What?
Woody: [laughing] Oh, nothing.

Cliff: [sneezes]
Earl: Boy, that sounds like a nasty cold you've got there, son. And still you're out there delivering the mail? I've got a lot of respect for you guys.
Cliff: Sammy, give this guy a raise.

Earl: Hey! Norm, do me a favor, will you? Let me know how this tastes.
Norm: It's great. What did you do?
Earl: Well, I adjusted the pressure in the kegs, and then I cleaned out all the lines.
Norm: Earl, how do you like the sound of this? Mrs. Earl Peterson. Come on. Think about it. Come on.

Carla: Rebecca was working at the auto show?
Woody: Yeah. She was Miss Miracle Buff. Don't let the fancy title fool you. She was pitching snake oil like a sideshow geek.
Norm: Woody? What did she do?
Woody: Well, as near as I could tell, everything but bite the head off a live chicken. Of course, we got there late.

Earl: Sam, did you send this poor little lady out here to fire me?
Sam: No. [off Earl's look] All right, I could never lie to you, Earl. Yes. Yes. But don't you see? Rebecca's our friend, and she needs the job, and I can't afford to hire both of you. I'm sure you can go out and get a job someplace.
Earl: Well, of course I can, Sam. I just wish you had told me to my face instead of handling it this way. I'm... I'm a little disappointed in you.
Sam: Please don't say that.
Earl: I'm more than happy to step aside. I understand the importance of loyalty. You know, I always believe that the only way to run a business or a friendship or, hell, a life, is through loyalty and commitment to other people.
Rebecca: Gee, that's just what my father always used to say.
Earl: Ah. Your father was right, missy. Hey, why don't you pick up a phone and give him a call? Well, so long, everybody.
All: Bye! Bye, Earl! Good-bye!

Sam: Well, back to work.
Norm: Sammy, that was Earl that just walked out of here! [all yelling] I know, I know that, I but I had to hire Rebecca back. Come on, she's our friend. I can't afford both of them. Don't you see? I mean, I had to go with the personal decision here. I'm sorry. I just hope you can live with it.
Norm: Wait, wait. Sam! Sam! One question.
Sam: What?
Norm: Is this going to raise the price of beer?
Sam: No.
Norm: Then what do we care? Welcome back, Rebecca.
All: [sing] For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow
Rebecca: Shut up! I can't hear Daddy!

Rebecca: Nothing can hurt a car treated with Miracle Buff. Absolutely nothing. Watch me pour acid on this car, and wipe it right off! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Man: I've got those 20 bags of cement you ordered.
Sam: What 20 bags of cement? I ordered 20 bags of pretzels. I faxed my order to Amalgamated Snack Foods.
Man: Oh yeah, we often intercept their orders so we can push cement.
Sam: Maybe what happened is I faxed the wrong company.
Man: That happens all the time.
Sam: So you'll take it back for me?
Man: Nope. You still got to pay for it. Good thing it happens all the time. Here, sign here. I'll get the rest of it.

Sam: All right, here you go, you clowns. Cheese doodles, beer nuts, pretzels...
Cliff: Uh, where's the cough syrup, Sam?
Sam: Oh, I knew I forgot something.
Cliff: Geez, Sammy, tickles just don't go away by themselves, you know.
Sam: I'm sorry.
Cliff: Oh, man, I know it's going to get in my ears. I just know it.