Cliff Quote #736
Quote from Cliff in Heeeeere's... Cliffy!
Cliff: Hey, everybody. Guess what. Cliff Clavin is off to the entertainment capital of the world... the dream factory, the land of glitz, glamour and make-believe.
Woody: What, you're going to Chucky Cheese?
Cliff: No, Woody. Going to Hollyweird, California. Yeah, I've got some nonrefundable tickets here in my hand; they're going to take me to Burbank. And, uh, when Johnny Carson delights America with my joke, me and Ma are going to be sitting there watching it live.
Norm: You know, they write an awful lot of jokes, Cliff. Uh, just 'cause they bought yours doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna use it.
Cliff: Aw, geez, Norm, uh, I'm a little confused here. I guess you're the one who is currently employed as a writer for The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.
Norm: You're right, Cliff. I'm just saying you could be setting yourself up for a big fall here.
Cliff: [laughs] Norm. The only question is is whether Johnny is going to invite me to sit up there on the couch next to him. Oh, hey, I'd better call Ma. She'll be thrilled.
Cheers Quotes
‘Heeeeere's... Cliffy!’ Quotes
Quote from Cliff
Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
Cliff: Oh, my God, here it comes.
All: How old is he?
Cliff: Yes.
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groans] Ooh, stay where you are. Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this, the, uh, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of a star. How did that line get on the cue cards anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
Cliff: I- I wrote that joke and it was great.
Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
Cliff: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you. You botched it. You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
Norm: Sit down, please.
Cliff: I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke. Get your hands off me. Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?! [gets dragged away by security]
Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC. [applause]
Quote from Sam
Woody: Do you think I'm supposed to marry Kelly, Sam? I mean, do you think that's what the plan is for me?
Sam: You getting cold feet, buddy?
Woody: Well, yeah, it is a little chilly up here, but I'm trying to talk philosophical.
Sam: Yeah, I think you should marry her. You guys are in love, man. That's the best. [sighs] You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but it turns out she wasn't. Which was lucky for me because if she had been I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
Woody: That is lucky.
Quote from Lilith
Norm: "Mr. Clavin, thank you very much for your submission to The Tonight Show. We will not be using your material. Enclosed is your submission."
Paul: Hey, what was it this time? Let me put my beer down, I don't want it coming through my nose.
Norm: "Today is Doc Severinsen's birthday. You know, Doc is so old, when he was a kid he never blew out candles on his birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet." [Lilith laughs]
Frasier: Lilith! You can't possibly be laughing at that terrible joke.
Lilith: You don't find humor in the exaggeration of a contemporary man predating an event which took place 45,000 years ago?
Frasier: Well, had Cliff phrased it like that, sure, hellzapoppin.