Diane: Nick, will you give up on me? You and I are an impossibility. The only thing you instill in me is the desire to flee. And then to be de-flea'd.

Carla: You know, Sammy, I know you kind of like Diane. But you're gonna have to face it. She's his now.
Sam: Oh, come on, will you stop it? I mean, Nick and Diane, they don't even belong on the same planet. The guy doesn't have any table manners. I mean, he thinks he's God's gift to women. And when was the last time he even picked up a book?
Carla: How's that different from you, Sam?
Sam: All right, there's a big difference... There's a big difference between thinking you're God's gift and knowing it.

Loretta: Oh, Sam, you stood up for me. Nobody's ever done that for me before. [kisses Sam]
Sam: Oh.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, I'm aghast.
Sam: What?
Nick Tortelli: You of all people?! Have you no respect for our blessed union?
Sam: Oh, come on, Nick. There's nothing going on here. I'm not interested in Loretta.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, I got one thing to say to you, Sam. Two can play the same game. You took my woman... [looks at Diane] I'm gonna take yours.
Diane: Me? You're taking me? The only thing you should be taking is penicillin.