Coach: You talked to your lawyer, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, I finally got through.
Coach: So, what did he say?
Diane: Well, if he's worth a dime, he said by statute and precedence this would be a tort. And there is, therefore, substantial grounds for cause of action.
Sam: How did you know that?
Diane: Well, I picked it up in pre-law.
Sam: I thought you were an English major?
Diane: Well, that was after art and before psychology.
Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?
Carla: Blonde.
Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla. Check the yearbook.

Norm: Hey, that Ed guy is not my favorite person.
Coach: I think he's a big pansy making a big fuss over some intense pain. How many times did you play hurt, Sam?
Sam: Now and then.
Coach: I must've got hit by 100 fastballs. As a matter of fact, it became a specialty of mine.
Diane: Wait. You specialized in getting hit?
Coach: Yeah.
Norm: Yeah, he led the league in HBPs two years in a row.
Sam: Hit By Pitches.
Coach: See, I perfected it when I was down with the St Louis Browns organization, Diane. I could get to first base on any pitch. I mean, what I'd do was, I'd get up there and lean my body into the pitch, all right? Well, sometimes I took one right in the old melon. Only, I really made a science out of it. I became a master.

Carla: All right. Our prayers are answered. Normie, babe. Yastrzemski's up with a man on.
Norm: The fountain of youth. C'mon now.
Carla: Now we'll get something going! You and me, Yaz. You and me, Yaz. My hero. My man.
Norm: Ah, popped it up! Sox lose again.
Carla: You old fossil! That's it. That does it. May I have your attention, please, everyone? I have an announcement to make. As of right now, [all join in] Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan. No, no, really, I mean it this time. Now stop that, OK? [by herself] Have I said that before?