TV Quotes

Cliff: Actually, I'm something of an expert on that subject.
Carla: Big, funny-shaped cans?
Cliff: No, Carla. I happen to be a swine buff. You see, your porcine mammal is known for his superior intelligence.
Woody: Well, that's true. You know, back in Hanover, they say pigs are smarter than the people. Actually, it's usually the tourists who point that out.

Sam: Oh, here you go, pal. Let me, uh... [laughs] Sorry. I don't have any change on me.
Salvationist: That's all right. God bless you anyway.
Frasier: Hey, Sam.
Sam: Hey, Frasier, how you doing, man? [to the Samaritan] I tell you, I used to have change all the time, but things are tough now. The bar burned down, you know. This is the place right here. Yeah, burned down, and I've been spending every dime I have just to rebuild the place. I don't have anyone to blame but myself really. And women. Oh, God. [laughs] Me and women. Oh. Yeah, I tell you, I think... I think it first started for me when I hired this really bright, blonde waitress, you know. Her name was Diane. Maybe you heard about her. Used to come in and out of here all the time. Five years ago, books under her arm... [time lapse] And then Rebecca, you know, finally admitted, "Yeah, I burned the bar down." I forgave her.
Frasier: Good night, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, good night, Fras! And then, listen to this. Rebecca finally admits to me, "Yes, I burned the bar down." Whoo, was I mad, I tell you. But what are you gonna do? Are you gonna stick her with guilt the rest of...
Frasier: Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Frasier: There you go. [returns the Salvationist's hat]
Salvationist: Thank you.
Frasier: Come this way. Oh. Here you go. [puts money in the Salvationist's hat] You earned it.

Sam: You know, for the longest time, I kept pretending about you. I guess I was afraid to really admit my feelings. But from the very start, down deep inside, I have been crazy about you. Crazier about you than any other woman I've ever met. I mean, hell, I was crazy about you even when I hated you. [Diane laughs] What I'm trying to say is will you marry me?
Diane: No.
Sam: No?
Diane: No.
Sam: Are you serious?
Diane: I'm afraid I am.
Sam: Well... seems to me you have two choices. One, I can throw you in. Or two, you can jump in.

Sam: Come on, man, she's just doing it to make you jealous.
Frasier: Oh, God, I'm losing her, Sam.
Sam: Oh, would you stop that? You're my friend. I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
Frasier: What about Diane?
Sam: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?
Frasier: Well, yes, but gee whiz, Sam...