Sam: Folks, I have a bit of bad news that may affect a lot of you. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to come right out and say it. Last call. [patrons groan]
Norm: Well, what the heck, maybe I'll give Vera a thrill and go home a little early tonight. Although, you know, she did look kind of thrilled when I left.

Sam: You guys look like you had a good time.
Frasier: We had oodles of fun. And we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.
Cliff: Wait, you lost weight on a cruise? I heard there were wall-to-wall meals.
Lilith: There were also wall-to-wall waves.
Frasier: Yes. Well, fortunately, after three days of giving Chef Hugo's fine cuisine back to the sea, we were fitted with these little, uh, ear patches. They seemed to do the trick.
Lilith: And put us to sleep for the rest of the trip.
Carla: So you guys spent seven days and nights snoozing and barfing your way through the Caribbean?
Lilith: And we've never felt slimmer and more refreshed.

Woody: Gather 'round, everybody. I'm going to do Authors in Hell. I mean, if that's all right with you, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Well, I was planning to wait for the movie, but go ahead.
Woody: Imagine if you will a huge book opens up, and l - Mark Twain - step out. I am surrounded by various tormented American writers. And Satan. The lights dim. [as Twain] Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted. Persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished. Persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. [a patron coughs as Woody smokes a cigar]
Rebecca: Woody, go on.
Woody: Well, I just sit here and smoke. I don't talk again till the middle of act four.