Pepe: Pobrecita.
Sam: Oh, no, she's like that all the time. I mean, this isn't even a bad day for her.
Pepe: Son todas las babes de Boston locos como esta?
Sam: No, no. She's kind of the queen of loco. I mean, she was nutty the first day I met her. She's... She's hyper. You know what I mean, hyper? All she thinks about is her stupid career and she keeps blowing it. And I can't tell you how many times I've had to pull that lady's fat out of the fire. Get this, you know. This is her latest escapade. She wants me to pretend to be her fiance, 'cause she doesn't want to marry this pint-size executive back home. What do I get for my troubles? A gun stuck in my face. You know what the sorriest thing is? Me. I still like her. Why is that, Pepe?
Pepe: Nice buns, Sammy?
Sam: You people see things so clearly.

Carla: Hey, boss, last of the riffraff just cleared out of here. You want to lock up?
Rebecca: Sure, Carla, can you show me how a key works again?
Carla: Oh, brother, you been in there drinking all night?
Rebecca: Carla, I am celebrating. I think that I am the luckiest woman in the world. I'm going to marry the geek tycoon. And you know, he's going to give me money and jewels and all sorts of rich stuff. I am going to be so rich, I can stink and no one will even tell me.
Carla: I'm sure you two will be very happy together.
Rebecca: I'm sure I will, too. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life living in big, old mansions, wearing fabulous clothes and being real nasty to the help.
Carla: You feeling sorry for yourself because you have to marry a rich guy? Boo-hoo, boo-hoo.
Rebecca: Come on, Carla. You wouldn't trade Eddie for him.
Carla: I'd trade Eddie for a ride in his car. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Spam casserole lurking in the oven. [Martin Teal walks in] Hey, we're the same size.

Martin Teal: Rebecca, you should know by now that I haven't gotten where I am by waiting for things to come to me. As far as I'm concerned, this is a done deal. So let's make it legal.
Sam: [enters] Hey, baby, I'm back! Call off the Federales.
Rebecca: Sam!
Sam: I couldn't stay away from you for another second, my darling. Kiss me. [they kiss] Oop- Hey, did I interrupt something here?
Rebecca: No, Martin and I were just going to get married, but now that you're back... [gasps] Oh, Martin. I'm so sorry. This is really tearing me apart. But I need to follow my heart.
Martin Teal: Well, if that's what you feel, Rebecca, you've got it. I hope you two will be very happy together. But remember: you blew it in a big, big way.
Rebecca: I hope this won't affect our business relationship.
Martin Teal: Why should it?
Rebecca: Gee, when I sober up, I'm probably going to worry about this. Better not let that happen.

Rebecca: Let's go, Sam. We're leaving. I have a cab outside.
Sam: Beckita, what are you doing here?
Rebecca: I took the liberty of stopping by your room and packing your bags. I can't believe you didn't pack one pair of underpants. Now come on, we're going home.
Sam: Home? Sweetheart, I'm... This is home. I love this place.
Rebecca: Sam, we are leaving and we are leaving now. I am not going to get stuck with Martin.
Sam: Oh, right, right. The little one. Uh, sweetheart, yeah, I got to tell you, I think it's high time you told him the truth.
Rebecca: I can't tell him the truth. I'll get fired.
Sam: Well, they, uh, they got plenty of good job opportunities down here. Can you paint pictures on turtles?
Rebecca: Sam, I am asking you, not as a woman speaking to a man, I am asking you as a friend. Please, Sam. When you look back at all the countless, selfish, petty, vindictive things you've done in your life, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could say for one brief moment that you did something good and fine?
Sam: This shouldn't be turning me on, should it?

Rebecca: Look, the important thing is that we are as one forevermore. Honeys till the end of time.
Martin Teal: Well, Sam, I guess you wouldn't be interested in spending the next month tending bar at a seaside resort we reopened in Cancun?
Sam: I'm there. Whoa, hey.
Rebecca: Sam!
Sam: Oh, right. Yeah. Um, that wouldn't be fair to Rebecca here. Who could we get to replace me?
Martin Teal: Oh, no problem. I'll make an exchange with the bartender down there.
Sam: Well, then, I'm out of here. Hey, I'll see you in a month. Adios, amigos! [runs out]
Rebecca: Sam? Sam! Sam! Martin, is this your little way of breaking Sam and me up?
Martin Teal: It's a bona fide offer. I need an experienced man down there.
Rebecca: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that, when Sam gets down there, and he's all alone, he's going to start roving. Well, I can tell you this. You can send Sam away for a month or a year, and he will only think of me.
Sam: [returns] Excuse me. Do they have drug stores down there, or should I pack an extra bag?

Rebecca: [on the phone] Hello? Operator? O-operator? Yes, I was just talking to my fiance and I was- Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, me talk-o to me boy-o amigo in Cancun, and we were cut off-o.
Woody: It's a beautiful language, isn't it?
Rebecca: What? You no operator? You boose boy? Oh, bus boy. Yeah, okay, adios. No, no, adios. Damn.
Martin Teal: Thank you, Dennis. Rebecca, you're not losing anything in Sam. I hear he hasn't stopped fooling around since he got down there.
Rebecca: You had him watched?
Martin Teal: I didn't have to. The man's escapades have become legendary. The Indians in the mountains sing a folk song about him. Rebecca, let me help you take your mind off your problems. I'll pick you up for dinner, maybe a drink, a trip to Paris, a few laughs.
Rebecca: Martin, not tonight. I- I really need time to get over this.
Martin Teal: Well, then tomorrow night. I won't take no for an answer.

Dennis: [knocks] Miss Howe?
Rebecca: Oh, no.
Dennis: Oh, yes. The master of the universe awaits your presence.
Rebecca: Dennis, I- I sense bitterness. I've never heard you talk like this before.
Dennis: Oh, I could tell you stories, honey. Here she is, sir, per your request.

Martin Teal: So, how's the greatest love story ever told working out?
Rebecca: Sam and I are just as steady as ever.
Martin Teal: As steady as yesterday when you broke up twice?
Rebecca: Things are different. Uh... It's... It's more serious.
Martin Teal: I won't consider it really serious until I see a ring on your finger.
Rebecca: Well, what I meant by serious is, um is that Sam and I are engaged.
Sam: [enters] Hey, everybody.
Norm: Congratulations, Sammy.
Sam: Oh? What for? She was just a stewardess.
Rebecca: Stop joking, you big lug, and come here. Can you excuse us just a second, Martin? We have to discuss our silver pattern.

Rebecca: Yeah, I don't personally think we need the salad forks, honey, but you're the entertainer in the family.
Martin Teal: Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.
Sam: Oh, well, thank you, sir. Yeah, I never thought I'd get her, but it looks like Becky here is going to be my ever-loving, everlasting little bundle of kisses. [kisses Rebecca] Little bundle of open-mouthed kisses.
Rebecca: Isn't he sweet?
Martin Teal: I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple, and especially to Rebecca Howe-- the only thing I ever wanted and haven't gotten.
Sam: Yeah. Same here.

Martin Teal: So when's the big event?
Sam: Well, I was kind of planning on tonight.
Martin Teal: You're getting married tonight?
Sam: Married? Oh, no. I'm sorry. I thought you were talking about something else.
Rebecca: It is definitely not going to be tonight.