Lilith: Frasier, darling, today is our monthly luncheon with the Psychoanalytic and Social Therapeutic Practitioners Society. Have you forgotten?
Frasier: Well, let me finish this double, and I might.
Lilith: Now, Doctor.
Frasier: Yeah, well, Lilith, I really can't stand another dry, endless luncheon in some stuffy old restaurant.
Sam: Pretty boring, huh, Fras?
Frasier: Well, let me put it this way, Sam. Lilith is the Dorothy Parker of this particular roundtable.

Frasier: I know you fellows favor a more formal atmosphere, but allow me to charm you with the quaint hospitality of my friendly neighborhood tavern.
Lilith: Excuse me, Frasier. I have to go check my messages.
Carla: You got one from Madame Tussauds. "Get back to the museum."

Sam: I can't give you back the card, Frasier. I've got to cut it up and send the pieces back to the company.
Frasier: [scoffs] You do not have to do that.
Sam: Yes, I do! They spent a half an hour on just that fact at the seminar at the Sheraton.
Frasier: Sam, I am telling you, you do not have to do that!
Sam: You weren't at the seminar. If I don't do this, they're gonna take my little card thingy away.

Woody: Miss Howe? Last night the shopping channel was a consumer bonanza, and I took advantage of it. Their loss is your gain. First, I got you a genuine gold-look bracelet with 200 real sapphires.
Rebecca: Oh, Woody. First of all, you have to stop buying me gifts. And second of all, you have to learn that sapphires are blue.
Woody: Okay, but you can't say no to a new and improved snackmaster and a portable solar-powered telephone.
Rebecca: Woody, I cannot accept these. People are going to get the wrong idea.
Woody: What, that I have a crush on you?
Rebecca: No, that I like crap.

Lilith: Now, this is lovely. The baby's with my mother, and there's nothing to disturb our peaceful Eden.
Frasier: You're right, darling, nothing. Except for the burned-in image of Sam cutting my gold card into pieces before my very eyes.
Lilith: You know, Frasier, after listening to you complain about that for the umpteenth time, it's becoming impossible for me to sympathize.
Frasier: [quietly] Of course not. Sympathy is a human emotion.
Lilith: What?
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I'm just lashing out. [quietly] Got off a good one, though.

Woody: Look what I just got on the shopping channel. Now, there's only about 2,000 of these little babies left, so a word to the wise. Well?
Rebecca: Well, that's, uh... It's beautiful, Woody. It's a beautiful cow.
Woody: I'll say, and that's not the best part of it. It's also a great clock.
Male Voice: It's [imitates cow bellow] noon.
Sam: What, um... What happens if it's 7:00 o'clock?
Woody: Well, a cow's power of speech are kind of limited, you know. Everything kind of sounds like [imitates cow bellow] noon.
Sam: How do you ever know what time it is?
Woody: Well, it helps if you wear a watch.

Sam: I have a good excuse this time. I'm being treated by a dermatologist.
Frasier: Is it anything serious?
Sam: No, no, no I just told her that I had a patch of dry skin, and we stayed up all night looking for it. Found it, too. Four times, by golly.

Cliff: Sammy, uh, can we stick to the topic at hand, please?
Norm: Yeah, Sam. I don't mean to make any threats here, but Gary's Old Towne Tavern already opens a half-hour before you do.
Sam: And how do we know that, Norm?
Norm: Hey, who's on trial here, huh?

Woody: Look at this. I already got my first package.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: Huh? It's a toy car and also rewinds videotapes.
Norm: Now, uh, wouldn't a VCR rewind tapes?
Woody: Uh, not the one I bought last night.

Rebecca: Excuse me, Carla. Did you read my last memo?
Carla: No.
Rebecca: Well, if you had read it, you would know that we are no longer accepting time cards made out in pencil. From now on, all paperwork must be done in ink.
Carla: Okay.
Rebecca: Did you hear me? Are you acknowledging my memo?
Carla: I heard you! I acknowledge the damn memo! Now would you get out of my face so I can finish this time card? I mean, this isn't easy, you know. My pencil's almost down to the nub.
Rebecca: Well, as long as you're aware of the problem.