‘My Fair Clavin’
Season 6, Episode 11 - Aired December 10, 1987
Cliff gives his girlfriend a makeover so he can show her off at the bar. Meanwhile, Rebecca tries to quit smoking.
Quote from Woody
Woody: Well, I'll tell you. She's what guys back down on the farm where I come from would call ethereal.
Frasier: Woody, where exactly was this farm?
Quote from Carla
Cliff: Listen up, everybody. Clifford Clavin has decided to make a major life change.
Carla: Don't bother. You'd be a dorky woman, too.
Cliff: That's a good one, Carla. A good one.
Norm: All right, Cliffie. What's up, bud?
Cliff: There's a new condo complex going up on my route. You know, one of those places filled with beautiful people having the time of their lives. I said to myself, Clifford C., you'd take to that place like a fish takes to water.
Carla: All slimy with your eyes bulging out?
Cliff: Shouldn't you be squatting in a field somewhere, Carla?
Quote from Cliff
Norm: Let me, huh, put these beers on ice here.
Cliff: Yeah, good idea.
Norm: It's not too cold in here, buddy.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah, I noticed that, Normie. I think it's the, uh, amalgamator valve. I've been meaning to strip it down, check out the engine, you know. I think I better put, uh, some more Freon in the regulator, too.
Woody: Or else you could just turn this little dial to cold.
Cliff: Well, yeah, if you're you know, you want to take a stopgap approach.
Quote from Norm
Cliff: Well, make a long story short, I am, uh, Boston's newest homeowner. Bought a condo.
Norm: Wait, wait. That means you're moving out on me?
Cliff: Normie, I can't live with you forever.
Norm: Well, you can't do that. Who's gonna mix Vera's cocoa? Who's gonna rub her feet? Who's gonna talk to her?
Cliff: Normie, I'm afraid you're just gonna, uh, have to pick up the slack.
Norm: No. No, no, no, no, no. Not me. Maybe I can hire some high school kid.
Quote from Rebecca
Rebecca: Did everybody see that? Yes, I've started smoking again. I've been under a lot of pressure, and I needed something to calm my nerves, all right? And I don't want to hear any stupid remarks about yellow fingernails or kissing ashtrays, and if you use the phrase "coffin nails," you better be a mortician. Any questions, comments, snide remarks? No? Good.
Sam: Well, it certainly has calmed her down.
Quote from Sam
Sam: Uh, excuse me. You know, I have to apologize. I feel like this is my fault.
Rebecca: What are you talking about?
Sam: Well, obviously you started smoking again because you got some sort of pent up sexual frustration going on. And I don't think we have to tell each other who's responsible for that, now do we? [Rebecca blows smoke in Sam's face] Oh. Hey. Come on, I'm just trying to help here, you know? You know what you ought to do, you ought to come on over to Dr. Sammy's Stop Smoking Center. Today's special is a free chest exam.
Woody: Sam, is this one of those two-week programs with a simple two-day follow-up?
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: Uh, you know, uh, Sally, l, uh spend all day, you know, walking around, uh, uh, outside, and, you know, at the end of the day, I just like to come back to my own little apartment here and just sort of relax and take it easy and, uh get my tensions relieved, if you know what I mean.
Sally: Yes, I know what you mean.
Cliff: I'll get the lights, huh?
Sally: Fine, I'll- l'll just get comfortable.
Cliff: And I'll, uh, meet you on the sofa in about five seconds.
Sally: All right. Have you got the, uh, you know?
Cliff: Oh, yeah. [gets TV remote]
Announcer: [on TV] And now, here's the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek.
Alex Trebek: [on TV] Thank you. Welcome once again to our show. We are delighted, of course, to welcome back our returning champion, the lady from Boca Raton...
Quote from Rebecca
Carla: Uh-oh. Here comes Madame Nicotine.
Rebecca: [enters] I just had the most disgusting morning of my life.
Norm: Ooh, can't wait to hear about it.
Rebecca: I just spent the last hour at a no-smoking clinic looking at pictures of ugly ashtrays, rooms filled with smoke, people coughing. And the worst one was a cigarette snuffed out in the yolk of a fried egg.
Norm: Mm. Bet that stopped you from wanting a cigarette, eh?
Rebecca: No, but I think it's put me off eggs for good. I'll be in the office, chewing on my hair.
Quote from Frasier
Carla: This is going to be fun.
Frasier: Carla, what are you doing?
Carla: I am going to torment her with this fresh pack of cigarettes.
Frasier: No, Carla, you mustn't! Carla, now, granted, she's been in rather a foul mood lately, but Rebecca has made a serious life decision, and what she needs now more than anything else is encouragement and support, and I for one am not going to fail her. [opens the door] Oh, Rebecca?
Rebecca: [o.s.] What do you want, Bone Dome?!
Frasier: Here, try these. They're menthols. Next case.
Quote from Rebecca
Frasier: You're engaged right now in a psychological battle with your will. Now, you've got to bring to the foreground every weapon available. Promise yourself that if you smoke one more cigarette, you'll do the most disgusting, repulsive thing you can imagine.
Rebecca: Dr. Crane, I can't even imagine...
[Sam whistles as he enters the bar with a box of glasses]
Rebecca: Sam Malone, if I smoke another cigarette, I'll go to bed with you.
[After Sam drops the box of glasses, Rebecca goes to the back room and pulls the plug on the cigarette vending machine]
Rebecca: Darn thing's on the blink again.