Esther Clavin: Oh, I almost forgot. Clifford, wake your friend for prayers.
Cliff: Oh! Sam, Sam, wake up.
Sam: Huh? Oh, yeah.
Esther Clavin: Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm, by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin. I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell, on a spit- on a spit reserved for those who desert their families. Amen.
Cliff: Amen.
Esther Clavin: Sam? Hmm? Is there anyone special you would like the Lord to remember?
Sam: No, not particularly.
Esther Clavin: Well, don't be surprised if he doesn't remember you.

Sam: Oh, please, please. Can't we just go to sleep? I'm so very tired. Please!
Cliff: Great, Ma, you made my friend mad. Any wonder I don't have anybody over? Any wonder I don't have any friends?
Esther Clavin: Oh, you don't have friends because of me? Me who spent 36 hours of the most painful labor the hospital had ever seen?
Cliff: There she goes.
Esther Clavin: If you think you're better off without me, you're welcome to live by yourself. Just see how long you can last.
Cliff: Fine!
Esther Clavin: A day. I give it a day. And that's during daylight hours. Night falls and it's, "Where's my mommy?" Cliff: Oh! Oh, is that right? Well, let me tell you, missy, that it takes two to be codependent!
Esther Clavin: You're the enabler! You're the enabler!
Cliff: Oh! I'm the enabler am I tonight, huh? Like last night and the night before?! Well, you know why I'm the enabler?! Because you demand it!
Esther Clavin: Everything I do is wrong! Is that it, Clifford?!
Cliff: Oh, Ma, I'm sorry. Oh, now, don't be upset. I just, I just push too hard.
Esther Clavin: No, I'm too domineering.
Cliff: Oh, Ma, Ma, it's me. l, you know, Ma, it's me. Sam.
Sam: Hmm?
Esther Clavin: Sam, which one of us is worse?

Sam: Okay, fellas, let's call it a night. Boy, that's the longest day of my life.
Norm: Yeah? Why so tired, Sammy?
Sam: Oh, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.
Norm & Cliff: Ooh! Ooh!
Sam: Oh, no, no, give me a break, will you? Not everything I do in my life has to do with sex.
Cliff: Sure it does, Sammy. Come on, give us the details.
Norm: Yeah, come on.
Sam: Yeah, well, I had silverfish all over my apartment last night.
Cliff: Ewww! Silverfish!
Sam: Spent the whole night rolling up newspapers and swatting them.
Cliff: Oh, kinky.
Sam: It got so bad there for a while, I... I started rubbing ammonia on the baseboard. [Norm howls]
Cliff: Sammy, don't know what that means, but does she have a sister?

Rebecca: Well, Sam, if you change your mind, you do have a place to stay.
Sam: Yeah, well, you know, with all due respect, we're not talking about your love life. We're talking about my love life. It will work out for Sammy.
Rebecca: If your ego needs a place to stay, give me a call.

Cliff: Of course it'll work out. It's a stew, isn't it? Boy, don't I know.
Norm: How do you know?
Cliff: Shut up!

Cliff: Hey, good luck with that stewardess, huh? Swat a few silverfish for me.
Norm: Cliffie, you just don't get it, do you?
Cliff: No.

Mario: How may I help you, sir?
Sam: Hi. Steve working tonight?
Mario: Steve? No. Steve hasn't worked here for the last six months. He was unreliable. Is there anything I can help you with?
Mario: Yeah.
Sam: Uh... This is, uh... This is pretty funny, Mario. You're going to get a big kick out of this. Uh... See, I... I left my, uh... Left my wallet in my place of business and l, uh I don't have a credit card or money or, for that matter, any identification at all.
Mario: [wry laugh] Yuh-huh. That's funny stuff, sir.
Sam: Look, the point is, uh... I'm gonna need a room, and I l can't pay for it tonight.
Mario: Oh, I see. You want one of our free rooms.
Sam: No, no, it doesn't have to be free. I can, you know, I can pay for it in the morning.
Mario: Well, whatever's convenient for you. Now, would you like a suite or a room?
Sam: A suite would be great.
Mario: All right. Color TV? Sauna?
Sam: Well, sure.
Mario: Is that going to be a queen or a king-sized bed?
Sam: Uh... king. Yeah, please. And, Mario, non-smoking, if you don't mind.
Mario: But of course. And would you like me to carry you to your room piggyback?
Sam: Oh, I see. You're, uh you're being sarcastic, aren't you?
Mario: If you had spent the day fending off joy buzzers and squirting carnations, you'd be a mite cranky yourself.
Sam: So you're, uh... You're not going to give me a room, huh?
Mario: I don't have a room to give. Nobody in Boston has a room. The entire town is infested with Shriners! Now, if you're desperate for a place to sleep, might I suggest you become a Shriner? I'm not entirely sure how one goes about that, but it appears to have something to do with driving a tiny car through the lobby of my hotel.
Sam: Can I use your phone, please?
Mario: Oh, but of course. Would you like to call Australia? Perhaps one of our new picture phones will suit your needs.
Sam: Never mind. Never mind.
Mario: Enjoyed your stay? Why not tell a friend?

Norm: If you're that desperate, I'll show you what a good friend I am. Go ahead and sleep on the couch. I'll go sleep with my wife.
Sam: Thank you. Thank you.
Norm: [sighs] Well, here I go. You're going to let me do this, aren't you?
Sam: I'm so tired.
Norm: All right. You owe me big time, Malone.
Vera: [o.s.] Norm? Norm, is that you?
Norm: [o.s.] Yes, dear.
Vera: [o.s.] You've come home to me. Come here, lover boy.
[Norm walks out of the bedroom and shoos Sam out of his house]

Sam: Ah, thank you.
Frasier: You bet. Uh, listen, that's it. I'll just bid you a fond Bonne nuit. [child cries in distance] Say, uh, wha- Is that, uh, is that Frederick?
Frasier: Yes, that's Frederick. Having a bit of a tantrum tonight. Trying to manipulate me, you see. It's a common tactic of a four-year-old, and as any good parent knows, the secret is to just ignore it. He's just gonna have to cry himself out, the little weasel. [chuckles] He's got, uh, good lungs, though, huh? Well, night-night. [crying continues, increasing in volume]
Sam: [quietly] Oh, God! [talks to the wall] Hey Hey, Freddie! Can you hear me, Freddie? I- It's Sam Malone! Uncle Sammy! Say, uh, Freddie, you're kind of a big boy to be throwing a tantrum, aren't you? Do you think you could hold off until tomorrow morning? [crying stops] Thank you. Oh! Oh, thank you, God. [weary sigh][Frederick wails]

Sam: Oh, I'm so tired. I'm desperate. God forgive me for this.
Esther Clavin: [opens door] Sam! Clifford, look, it's one of your little friends!