Serafina: Thanks, Ma. You won't regret this. And listen, Pat and I are gonna pay for the whole thing.
Carla: Oh, no, no, no, no, you are my daughter, and you're in love, and I'm gonna make you the best reception I can. We're pulling out all the stops. You know, there is an elegant, tasteful restaurant upstairs, and as luck would have it, I am boinking the owner.

John: All right, Miss Tortelli, just what is it?
Carla: My daughter Serafina has just announced she's getting married.
John: Congratulations. When's the baby due?

Serafina: Daddy, this is my fiance, Pat.
Pat McDougall: Nice to meet you, sir.
Nick Tortelli: Aw, enough of the chit-chat. Step into my office. How do you propose to, uh, support my progeny?
Pat McDougall: Well, I'm a retired police officer and currently living off disability.
Nick Tortelli: What is the nature of your injury?
Paul: Whiplash.
Nick Tortelli: Very good, difficult to disprove. Very bright.
Pat McDougall: Thank you, sir.
Nick Tortelli: Bright enough to invest?
Pat McDougall: Pardon me?
Nick Tortelli: Bright enough to place your future and the future of your entire progeny in the orang-utan act?

Nick Tortelli: Carla, listen, l, I understand your feelings very well. I know some people probably thought I was a bad father and maybe I was and maybe I wasn't, and maybe I was. I speak to you from the bottom of my heart and guts, that these last few years without family has been very empty for me. All I've had is Loretta. No offense.
Loretta: None taken.
Nick Tortelli: I've come to learn that the most important thing is family. Yeah, I know, I come at this late date for Serafina's wedding, but I thought it would be a first step, in realigning myself with my offspring and then becoming truly a paternity figure. [Carla comes out of the office]
Carla: So you want to be a father. You want to get back in your kids' lives, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Absolutely.
Carla: Come over here. Let's go. Over here we have ten kids. Some of them are yours. Identify three, and you can stay. Otherwise you're out of here.
Nick Tortelli: Is this a test?
Carla: You're stalling.
Nick Tortelli: Ah... Give me some time to gather my momentum.

Serafina: Thanks again for everything, Mom. I'm happy.
Carla: Serafina, I really want to apologize for the way I acted this afternoon. And I promise I'll be on my best behavior at your next wedding.
Serafina: Oh, Ma. [they hug]

Carla: Do you love him?
Serafina: Yes.
Carla: Then don't marry him.
Serafina: What?
Carla: The worst thing you could do, Serafina, is marry for love. You know, when I first met your deadbeat father, Nick, I loved him, too. And even when he knocked up my sister, I said... Hey, look, the guy is just trying to get in good with the family at my wedding. But for the next ten years, all he did was cheat on me, treat me like dirt and keep me in maternity clothes.
Serafina: Mom, it's not like that. Pat's a good man. He loves me and I love him, and we want to build a life for our baby. Please give us your blessing.
Carla: Well... you're not gonna get that alimony by staying single.

Carla: Serafina! What are you doing here?
Serafina: I need to talk to you.
Carla: You're pregnant.
Rebecca: Carla, that is a rude and unfair thing to say. There's a million reasons why your daughter would want to talk to you.
Serafina: I am pregnant.
Rebecca: Then again, you raised a slut.

Serafina: And to answer your next question, no, it wasn't planned.
Carla: Oh, Serafina I have been praying that this day wouldn't come, but I can't say I'm all that surprised. In fact, I have this little speech I've been carrying around in case it did happen. "Dear Serafina, soon you will be 14 and able to think for yourself."
Serafina: Mom. I'm 18.
Carla: That's right, you are. None of this applies. [scrunches up the paper]

Nick Tortelli: Ah, am I in time for the nuptials?!
Serafina: Daddy!
Carla: Nick.
Nick Tortelli: My little girl, you look so beautiful. [Serafina giggles] Are those implants?!

Nick Tortelli: Carla... it's been a fortnight. You coloring your hair?
Carla: I cannot believe this. What else could possibly go wrong?
Loretta: [enters] Hi, gang at Cheers! Sorry I'm late, but I had to park the car. And then I had walk from the car to here.
Carla: How did you find out about this?
Nick Tortelli: My cousin Eddy called me. He- He told me he read it in the paper. So I figured, uh, my invitation got lost in the mail.