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‘Jumping Jerks’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Jumping Jerks

708. Jumping Jerks

Aired December 22, 1988

After a night of Westerns and booze, Norm, Cliff and Woody agree to go skydiving.

Quote from Norm

Sam: No, I'm doing this for Rebecca. I figure the farther I fall, the hotter she gets. Who's with me?
Norm: I am, Sammy.
Cliff: Norm, you turncoat you!
Norm: No, Cliffie, it's as if my whole life came down to this one moment! And if I jump and I make it, I prove to myself that I am worth something. That there's a reason for me being on this Earth. Then I can just sit down and plant it on that bar stool for the rest of my life. Let's go!

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Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Thank you for caring. You see, Sam? And you said very few of our customers would care enough to write down suggestions.
Sam: No, I said very few of our customers could write.
Rebecca: Well, you are wrong. I mean, look at all of these. Read that. Let's see how we can make Cheers more responsive to its customers' needs.
Sam: Uh... "Cheers should have a happy hour."
Rebecca: Not legal in the state of Massachusetts.
Sam: All right. "Serve hot hors d'oeuvres."
Rebecca: Conflict of interest with Melville's.
Sam: Oh, the old place is really shaping up, isn't it?
Rebecca: You know, there's got to be one practical suggestion in here. Now here's one. [gasps] Ooh, it's a long one. That means someone really cared. "The thing I like best about Cheers is the sense of warmth and affection I get from the employees, especially the manager, who seems to be a generous, open-hearted woman." Did you hear that? The manager. "In fact, the only thing needed to complete the loving family feeling of this bar, would be if the manager made the naked pretzel with the bartender."
[Rebecca scrunches up the paper and throws it on the ground]

Quote from Norm

Norm: Sammy, Magnificent Seven!
Sam: Great movie.
Norm: No, that's my order. Come on.
Woody: Hey, I never sat down at this bar as a customer. What's good here?
Norm: I've heard the beer's okay.

Quote from Cliff

Frasier: You guys seem pretty pumped up tonight. Where you been?
Woody: We rented some movies and watched them over at Mr. Clavin's apartment.
Rebecca: Don't you guys ever watch anything but The Magnificent Seven?
Cliff: Oh, as a matter of fact, we rented The Magnificent Ambersons, but, uh, watched it for a couple minutes and realized it wasn't a sequel, so we went back to watching The Magnificent Seven.
Norm: Oh, yeah. Boy, you know, that must have been really something, living back in the Old West, you know? When men were men, settling a new frontier.
Cliff: Yeah, you know, I think in one of my past lives, I lived in the Old West. As far as I recall, I handled myself pretty well.
Carla: No one could pull a buckboard like you, Clavin.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Okay, what are we gonna tell the guys back at Cheers? I mean, we were mouthing off pretty good last night.
Norm: No problem, Woody. We just walk in the bar, we look those guys straight in the eye, and we lie our socks off.
Cliff: I like it.
Woody: We can't do that.
Cliff: Why not? Who's gonna know? Just, uh, us and the guy who jumped out before us. And he's probably dead by now.
Woody: I can't do that. I can't lie. I can't.
Cliff: We've got to stick together, here. I mean, we made a pact. Men together. It's, uh it's male bonding.
Norm: Right. Which includes lying and chickening out together.
Woody: All right. But I've got to say I'm not proud of myself.
Norm: So what? Cliffie and I never are.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: [to Sam] Well, there wasn't really a whole lot to it. You know, we jumped, the chutes opened, we landed.
Cliff: [to a group of guys] Yeah, yeah, the pilot and the instructor said they'd never seen a first-timer do a triple backwards somersault and land and land square, right on the bull's-eye.
Sam: So, Woody how'd you like it?
Norm: Oh, he's not much for talking, Sammy. Not Woody. He's, uh, he's a man of action. A simple man, like me.
We both appreciate a simple story. The, uh, kind of story you can stick to.
Sam: [whistles] Boy, I tell you. I've always wanted to skydive. I've just never had the guts. What did it feel like?
Cliff: Well, I imagine it's a lot like sex, Sammy. Well, not that I have to imagine what sex is like. I've had plenty of sex, and plenty of this, too. Why don't you just get off my back, okay?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sammy, you don't believe these guys, do you? They didn't jump. [scoffs] You two weaseled out of here last night, went home, you curled up with your wife, and you got under the sheets with your flashlight and Barbie doll.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Come on, Carla, they wouldn't make this up.
Carla: Oh, yeah? Hey, Corncob.
Woody: Who, me?
Carla: No, the other corncob. Look, if Woody here, who has never told a little white fib in his whole entire life, because he knows that if he does, he'd go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks, says that they jumped, then they jumped. Now, Woody... [Carla sits Woody up on the bar] Did you and your two playmates over there, really, really jump out of an airplane?
Woody: Well, we went up in the plane. I remember, 'cause I was there.
Carla: Yeah?
Woody: We were very high and we looked down... Did I mention we were in the plane?
Carla: Yeah.
Woody: And the people looked like ants. Although, the kind of ants you can hardly see.
Carla: Woody, did you jump?!
Woody: Yes, I jumped, the parachute opened, I landed. It was all very simple and believable.
Carla: God! I don't believe you guys really did it. But Woody never lies, so I guess it's the truth. Did you jump? Woody: Yes.
Carla: Jump?
Woody: Yes. [Carla looks at Woody] Yes!

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Well, I've got to give you guys credit. You know, I'd like to try that someday.
Cliff: Yeah, well, everybody says "someday," Sammy. But only a precious few of us have the maracas to try it.
Norm: Cliffie.
Sam: Hey, wait a minute. Hey, listen, I've got maracas here. Uh, all right, I tell you what. Why don't the three of you take me out, huh? Tomorrow, maybe?
Cliff: Tomorrow?
Sam: Yeah.
Cliff: [high-pitched] Is that okay with you, Norm?

Quote from Sam

Sam: That's great. So you come back to the bar and you lie and you stir up everybody's imagination to the point where you get me up here. I mean, that's low. You know something? I'm gonna do it anyway. It's not often you get a second chance at life.
Cliff: What? What are you talking about?
Sam: There was this night when I was playing in Tiger Stadium towards the end of my career. I'd been on the bottle for a while and the coach hadn't been using me. But this was gonna be a big game, so I decided I wouldn't have a drink all day long. I was dying, but I knew this would be my last chance to prove myself as a major league pitcher. Sure enough, late innings, the call comes down, send Malone in. I told them that I couldn't play. My arm hurt. I chickened out. I was afraid to go out there. I turned tail and I slunk back to the locker room. And I've regretted it every day of my life. And I'll tell you something, damn it. I'm not going to let that happen this time. I'm going out there. Okay, Bob, what do I do here?
Bob: Remember what I told you. Get down on the door, count to three, go.
Sam: One, two... Okay, here's our story.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Well, nobody really planned it. We just all went out at the same time and decided to grab hands and there we were in this four-leaf clover formation. We were kind of like the June Taylor dancers out there.
Woody: It's kind of a male bonding thing to give yourself a nickname.
Frasier: Well, I applaud your bravery, but I must say I thought we'd advanced beyond the notion that a real man risks his life in pointless confrontations with death. I thought we pretty much accepted that a real man is someone who makes gobs and gobs of money like me. [chuckles] Well, see you later, sisters.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: You know something? I- I just had this wild idea. Do you think you guys could jump out of an airplane holding a large banner that said "Cheers"?
Cliff: For any particular reason?
Rebecca: Well, I was just thinking of one of the comments I got in the suggestion box. It said, "You have a really great bar here, but why keep it a secret? Why don't you publicize more?" Well, we could have a cameraman shoot it, maybe even get it on the news.
Norm: Whoa, hold on a second here. You're talking about taking a pure sport such as skydiving and tainting it for commercial gain?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah.
Rebecca: Come on. A thing like that could have a tremendous impact.
Norm: Hey, so could l.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Well, maybe it isn't such a good idea. Maybe I was wrong. Besides, I might have gone ahead and made a fool of myself and given in to temptation.
Sam: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean?
Rebecca: Oh, I just think it's really exciting, all the danger of drifting through space, you know? I mean, I really wish there was some way that I could capture that feeling of total abandonment while making love. Talk about a turn on.
Sam: Please, do.
Rebecca: Let's just say that this kind of masculine bravado is too sexy for me to resist.
Sam: Could you wait right here for a minute? Could I talk to the June Taylor dancers in the hall?

Quote from Norm

Bob: Now listen to me. Okay, now remember, this time when you jump... out of the plane, hold on to the bottom of the banner and let it spread out so that Otto can get a good shot of it.
Norm: Okay, question. How are we supposed to pull our ripcord and hold on to the banner at the same time?
Bob: You won't be pulling the rip cord for 20 seconds. Just count like this. One Mississippi, two Mississippi...
Sam: Excuse me. Could we make it a shorter state, like Maine? You know, one Maine, two Maine, three Maine?

Quote from Woody

Sam: What a relief, huh? Hey, I tell ya, it's not as hard to chicken out this time, is it?
Norm: No, no, Sammy. The more you do something, the easier it gets.
Woody: Go to heck in a handcart. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I was embarrassed to talk to my mom on the phone the other day. I'd rather die like a fool than live like a coward! Geronimo!

Quote from Carla

Hugh: You guys did it. You actually did it.
Pete: Look at them. [laughs] Look at them up there.
Rebecca: And there's the banner. [all cheering]
Carla: Well, I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes. Chickens can fly.

Quote from Norm

Bob: Yeah, I could arrange to have some stunt guys I know jump for you.
Norm: Whoa, hold on now. You're talking about, uh, money for you guys, money for Otto here, money for the plane, right? Then we're going to hire a stunt crew and all their equipment? That's gonna run us what, $3,000, $4,000, $5,000, right?
Otto: Yeah, at least.
Cliff: I'm comfortable with that.
Sam: That's fine with me.
Norm: Vera has some money from when her folks died. We'll just dip into that.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Yeah, hey, you know what the trouble is with the world we live in?
Norm: Yeah.
Cliff: There's no danger. There's no opportunity for three independent hombres like ourselves to stare death in the face and conquer it on our own terms.
Bob: What about skydiving?
Norm: You'd think there'd be some thrilling, dangerous endeavor we could try, you know?
Bob: Why don't you try skydiving?
Cliff: Yeah, everything's just too darn safe in this world.
Bob: I teach skydiving. I'd take you up anytime.
Woody: Hey, I've got an idea! What about skydiving?
Norm: You mean, actually jumping out of an airplane, Woody?
Woody: It ain't that bad. I've seen a lot of movies of guys skydiving. They're just floating in the air.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah, they're just floating in the air, but the Earth is hurdling upwards at 100 miles an hour.

Quote from Carla

Bob: Guys, take it from someone who's done it well over 2,000 times. You'll never get over the thrill of letting go of that plane and falling through space. You'll never feel such freedom in your life.
Norm: Who the hell are you?
Bob: Bob Speaks. I'm with the jump club out in Weymouth.
Cliff: Yeah, well, very nice to make your acquaintance, Bob. Now, butt out.
Bob: Sorry, I didn't know you guys were just blowing smoke. But if you're serious, we could start in the morning, go through a brief orientation, I'd have you jumping by noon.
Carla: Boy, are you barking up the wrong tree. These are the three biggest cowards in Boston.
Norm: Hey! Who you calling coward?
Carla: You three cocktail weenies. You guys don't have the guts to go up there.

Quote from Norm

Bob: Hey, now, don't force them. Not everyone has what it takes.
Norm: Whoa, hey, just a second, pal. We got what it takes. We got all kinds of what it takes. We could do it if we wanted to. Just the question is, do we want to? Right? Cliffie?
Cliff: Want to? Try and stop me, sucker.
Woody: Hey, guys, don't leave me out of this.
Sam: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, fellas. It's late and you've had a few beers. You'll agree to anything.
Norm: Damn right we will.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah.
Woody: We all agreed?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah! [all cheer] What's the matter?
Norm: No, I just caught one of my armpit hairs in my T-shirt.

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