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Ill-Gotten Gaines

‘Ill-Gotten Gaines’

Season 11, Episode 8 -  Aired November 19, 1992

When Woody decides to stand up to Kelly's father and ask for some respect, he walks in on Mr. Gaines in a compromising position. Meanwhile, the gang have Thanksgiving dinner at Cheers.

Quote from Woody

Mr. Gaines: Oh, it's, uh, nothing important. Just, uh, some silly forms giving me power of attorney over all of your affairs. You see, the Gaines estate is wide and varied. And now that you're married to Kelly, you're part of that estate.
Woody: I'm not sure I understand all this.
Mr. Gaines: Oh, let me put it in Hanover-ese, Woody. You know how a turkey, when, uh, it feeds at the trough, will eat until it dies? Well, these forms give me the right now that you're feeding at the Gaines trough to pull your head away if I think you're gonna choke.
Woody: Well, turkeys don't choke, Mr. Gaines, they explode. Well, the one clue you get is you... You hear this hissing sound just before they blow. Now, you hear a turkey hissing, head for the hills. Turkey shrapnel can kill you.


Quote from Carla

Carla: Well, you guys lucked out. You get to spend you Thanksgiving with the Tortellis. Hide your valuables. Hey kids, park it over there.
Rebecca: Carla, why'd you only bring three of your kids?
Carla: Well, we have this kind of Thanksgiving tradition at our home. You see, at noon I set them out on the curb. Then the various men they've come to know as "Dad" drive by, and who's ever left comes with me.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Uh, there must be some mistake here. Uh, you've got me sitting at the kiddie table.
Sam: Um, no, no, uh, no mistake Cliff. Uh, we all decided that you're the only one that we trust being an adult supervisor.
Cliff: Ah, well, that's another bowl of stuffing, then, Sammy. I'll be proud to watch the little tykes. So, kiddies I ever tell you about the first Thanksgiving? Yeah, it took place, uh, between the ancient Egyptians and astronauts from a distant galaxy.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Frasier: Sam why don't you, uh, make a little toast?
Sam: Oh, yeah. All right, that's a good idea. Uh, all right, uh welcome to, uh, Thanksgiving at Cheers. I hope everybody enjoys the food, and I'd like to make a toast right now to the man who made this all possible: John Allen Hill. [John walks down the stairs behind Sam] Oh, now, now, come on. I- I know what you're thinking. But you know, I tell you the truth uh, if John and I hadn't gotten off on the wrong foot I think we would have been best of friends. If he were here right now, I would, uh, I'd ask him to sit down and break bread with us. But because he isn't, then I say let's raise our glasses to that grand old gentleman, John Allen Hill. Cheers.
John: Well, isn't this touching? All the Who's down in Whoville gathered 'round their roast beast.

Quote from Woody

Woody: You know, Sam, I always wanted to get along with Mr. Gaines like I do with my dad.
Sam: You and your daddy got along well, huh?
Woody: Oh, yeah. Oh. We'd go fish and bowl, hang around, pass notes to each other in class.

Quote from Woody

Mr. Gaines: Now, Woody, I know you must be terribly confused, but there's a simple explanation.
Woody: No, no, no, Mr. Gaines. You're gonna sit down, and I'm gonna talk, and you're gonna listen.
Mr. Gaines: All right.
Woody: Now... I'm very disappointed in you.
Mr. Gaines: Ah.
Woody: You should be ashamed of yourself. From now on, things are gonna be different. You're gonna start treating me with respect.
Mr. Gaines: Whatever you want, Woody. What will it take for you to forget everything that's happened? You name it.
Woody: Seriously?
Mr. Gaines: Oh, yes. Whatever you want.
Woody: Wow, that speech really took. Well, uh, for starters, this, uh, power of attorney thing you made me sign.
Mr. Gaines: It's gone, ripped up, never existed.
Woody: All right, and I don't want you to make fun of me in front of my friends anymore.
Mr. Gaines: You've got it.
Woody: Well, what I really want, Mr. Gaines, is just for us to get to know each other better.
Mr. Gaines: Oh, for God sakes, Woody, I didn't commit murder.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Good heavens, man, I thought you were at the Cape.
John: I was until the police called to tell me the silent alarm had gone off upstairs.
Sam: Ah, uh, yeah... That was, that was us, John. l- l'm sorry, we, uh, borrowed a few things for our simple dinner here.
Sam: John, I'll tell you what. Why don't you join us, please? Please come sit at my right hand.
John: No, no, no, thank you. Please, I couldn't. But since no harm was done, I'll be on my way. Happy Thanksgiving. And do sterilize everything. [exits]
Sam: Thank you, John, and happy Thanksgiving.
Rebecca: So how'd you spot him?
Sam: I saw the reflection of his head in the dessert tray.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Holy cow, that's your brother's wife, and you're having an affair with her?
Mr. Gaines: Yes. You really didn't know?
Woody: No.
Mr. Gaines: Then you're not blackmailing me? I didn't have to buy your silence?
Woody: Well, no, I- I would never blackmail you, Mr. Gaines. I mean, I think what you're doing is disgusting and wrong, but that's between you and Satan. I've got something to tell you. I think that we can't be friends anymore. I don't respect you.
Mr. Gaines: Well, I'll just have to live with your scorn and contempt, Woody.
Woody: Okay, Mr. Gaines. I just want you to know, I'd never blackmail you. I'd much rather do this. Hey, everybody, I've got something to tell you!
Mr. Gaines: Uh...
Woody: I want the wishbone! Gotcha. This is gonna be a fun night.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: How about you, Sam?
Sam: Yeah. I think it'd be fun to go to Thanksgiving dinner at your place.
Rebecca: Oh, great. You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked. And believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance. It was kind of exciting for them. I mean, at least it wasn't the same old same old.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Okay, who's in on the dinner here, huh?
Cliff: Count me in.
Sam: All right. Fras, what about you? Oh, you probably have other plans, don't you?
Frasier: Oh, yes, big plans. Frederick and I will be spending the day with the new friends we've made since Lilith's departure: Mrs. Paul, Dinty Moore, Uncle Ben. Oh, and maybe the Stouffers will stop by.

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