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‘Ill-Gotten Gaines’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Ill-Gotten Gaines

1108. Ill-Gotten Gaines

Aired November 19, 1992

When Woody decides to stand up to Kelly's father and ask for some respect, he walks in on Mr. Gaines in a compromising position. Meanwhile, the gang have Thanksgiving dinner at Cheers.

Quote from Woody

Mr. Gaines: Oh, it's, uh, nothing important. Just, uh, some silly forms giving me power of attorney over all of your affairs. You see, the Gaines estate is wide and varied. And now that you're married to Kelly, you're part of that estate.
Woody: I'm not sure I understand all this.
Mr. Gaines: Oh, let me put it in Hanover-ese, Woody. You know how a turkey, when, uh, it feeds at the trough, will eat until it dies? Well, these forms give me the right now that you're feeding at the Gaines trough to pull your head away if I think you're gonna choke.
Woody: Well, turkeys don't choke, Mr. Gaines, they explode. Well, the one clue you get is you... You hear this hissing sound just before they blow. Now, you hear a turkey hissing, head for the hills. Turkey shrapnel can kill you.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Well, you guys lucked out. You get to spend you Thanksgiving with the Tortellis. Hide your valuables. Hey kids, park it over there.
Rebecca: Carla, why'd you only bring three of your kids?
Carla: Well, we have this kind of Thanksgiving tradition at our home. You see, at noon I set them out on the curb. Then the various men they've come to know as "Dad" drive by, and who's ever left comes with me.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Uh, there must be some mistake here. Uh, you've got me sitting at the kiddie table.
Sam: Um, no, no, uh, no mistake Cliff. Uh, we all decided that you're the only one that we trust being an adult supervisor.
Cliff: Ah, well, that's another bowl of stuffing, then, Sammy. I'll be proud to watch the little tykes. So, kiddies I ever tell you about the first Thanksgiving? Yeah, it took place, uh, between the ancient Egyptians and astronauts from a distant galaxy.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Frasier: Sam why don't you, uh, make a little toast?
Sam: Oh, yeah. All right, that's a good idea. Uh, all right, uh welcome to, uh, Thanksgiving at Cheers. I hope everybody enjoys the food, and I'd like to make a toast right now to the man who made this all possible: John Allen Hill. [John walks down the stairs behind Sam] Oh, now, now, come on. I- I know what you're thinking. But you know, I tell you the truth uh, if John and I hadn't gotten off on the wrong foot I think we would have been best of friends. If he were here right now, I would, uh, I'd ask him to sit down and break bread with us. But because he isn't, then I say let's raise our glasses to that grand old gentleman, John Allen Hill. Cheers.
John: Well, isn't this touching? All the Who's down in Whoville gathered 'round their roast beast.

Quote from Woody

Woody: You know, Sam, I always wanted to get along with Mr. Gaines like I do with my dad.
Sam: You and your daddy got along well, huh?
Woody: Oh, yeah. Oh. We'd go fish and bowl, hang around, pass notes to each other in class.

Quote from Woody

Mr. Gaines: Now, Woody, I know you must be terribly confused, but there's a simple explanation.
Woody: No, no, no, Mr. Gaines. You're gonna sit down, and I'm gonna talk, and you're gonna listen.
Mr. Gaines: All right.
Woody: Now... I'm very disappointed in you.
Mr. Gaines: Ah.
Woody: You should be ashamed of yourself. From now on, things are gonna be different. You're gonna start treating me with respect.
Mr. Gaines: Whatever you want, Woody. What will it take for you to forget everything that's happened? You name it.
Woody: Seriously?
Mr. Gaines: Oh, yes. Whatever you want.
Woody: Wow, that speech really took. Well, uh, for starters, this, uh, power of attorney thing you made me sign.
Mr. Gaines: It's gone, ripped up, never existed.
Woody: All right, and I don't want you to make fun of me in front of my friends anymore.
Mr. Gaines: You've got it.
Woody: Well, what I really want, Mr. Gaines, is just for us to get to know each other better.
Mr. Gaines: Oh, for God sakes, Woody, I didn't commit murder.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Good heavens, man, I thought you were at the Cape.
John: I was until the police called to tell me the silent alarm had gone off upstairs.
Sam: Ah, uh, yeah... That was, that was us, John. l- l'm sorry, we, uh, borrowed a few things for our simple dinner here.
Sam: John, I'll tell you what. Why don't you join us, please? Please come sit at my right hand.
John: No, no, no, thank you. Please, I couldn't. But since no harm was done, I'll be on my way. Happy Thanksgiving. And do sterilize everything. [exits]
Sam: Thank you, John, and happy Thanksgiving.
Rebecca: So how'd you spot him?
Sam: I saw the reflection of his head in the dessert tray.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Holy cow, that's your brother's wife, and you're having an affair with her?
Mr. Gaines: Yes. You really didn't know?
Woody: No.
Mr. Gaines: Then you're not blackmailing me? I didn't have to buy your silence?
Woody: Well, no, I- I would never blackmail you, Mr. Gaines. I mean, I think what you're doing is disgusting and wrong, but that's between you and Satan. I've got something to tell you. I think that we can't be friends anymore. I don't respect you.
Mr. Gaines: Well, I'll just have to live with your scorn and contempt, Woody.
Woody: Okay, Mr. Gaines. I just want you to know, I'd never blackmail you. I'd much rather do this. Hey, everybody, I've got something to tell you!
Mr. Gaines: Uh...
Woody: I want the wishbone! Gotcha. This is gonna be a fun night.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: How about you, Sam?
Sam: Yeah. I think it'd be fun to go to Thanksgiving dinner at your place.
Rebecca: Oh, great. You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked. And believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance. It was kind of exciting for them. I mean, at least it wasn't the same old same old.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Okay, who's in on the dinner here, huh?
Cliff: Count me in.
Sam: All right. Fras, what about you? Oh, you probably have other plans, don't you?
Frasier: Oh, yes, big plans. Frederick and I will be spending the day with the new friends we've made since Lilith's departure: Mrs. Paul, Dinty Moore, Uncle Ben. Oh, and maybe the Stouffers will stop by.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Hey, Cliffy.
Cliff: Oh, hey, Sam.
Sam: What are you doing standing out in the rain?
Cliff: Uh, it's good for the skin. You know, negative ions. Keeps it soft.
Sam: What'd you say to Carla, Cliffy.
Cliff: Called her a dwarf.
Sam: Oh.
Cliff: Could you, uh, untie me, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, sure.
Cliff: Thanks.
Sam: Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a second, wait a second. How much more time you got out here?
Cliff: Uh, five minutes.
Sam: I'm sorry, buddy, I can't do it. She'd have me standing right out here next to you.
Cliff: I understand, Sam, I understand. No hard feelings.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, wait a second. Did you say Thanksgiving? Aw, shoot. See, I usually spend Thanksgiving with my old Army buddies.
Rebecca: Sam, you weren't in the Army.
Sam: No, no, but, uh, my buddies were.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, l- l'd invite you all over to my place, but Ma's down in Florida working on her tan. Yeah, she's got this standing rule that, uh, when she's not around, I'm not allowed to bring any more than two friends over at a time.
Norm: Please, she's never gonna know.
Cliff: Yes, she will, Norm.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Tell you what, why- Why don't we have Thanksgiving dinner here at Cheers? Pot luck, huh?
Rebecca: Why here? Because you don't think I can handle the responsibility of making a big dinner for everybody?
Sam: Well, I was gonna beat around the bush a little bit, but, yeah, that's the gist.
Rebecca: Well, if you're gonna have it, can we have a turkey? I was just gonna make grilled cheese.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Why do you let him talk to you like that, huh?
Norm: Yeah, you got to stand up to him, Wood. I'd never let my father-in-law take advantage of me that way.
Cliff: l, uh, thought your father-in-law was dead, Norm.
Norm: You know, he might be. Haven't seen him in ages. Come to think of it, I do remember Vera left a note on the refrigerator one night. Something about a funeral. Ah, shoot, this is gonna drive me crazy.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Woody, you know, it's none of my business, but I think you ought to stand up to Mr. Gaines right now, or he's gonna be walking all over you the rest of your life.
Woody: Well, I'd like to stand up to him, Sam, but he scares me.
Sam: Well, I know. He's a pretty intimidating guy. But you know the way around that is you figure out what you're gonna say, get it in your head all straight, then you go over there and you tell him.
Woody: Well, what would you say, Sam?
Sam: Me? Oh. Well, I don't know. Something like, uh, you know, "I'm disappointed in you. You should be ashamed of yourself, you know. Things are gonna be different from now on. You're gonna give me the respect that I deserve."
Woody: Yeah, I always thought I did respect you, Sam. Maybe I was wrong.
Sam: Tell you what, why-why don't we, uh, why don't we drive over there and-and you can rehearse what you're gonna say on the way, all right?
Woody: Well, I suppose if I don't, I'll have to listen to another lecture about how I don't respect you.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Okay, okay, I'm 95% sure Vera's father is alive. No, no, dead. No, make that dead. He's dead. Or could he be... Well... Suppose I'll just call Vera and ask her, I guess. I don't know how you ask someone... [chuckles] a question like that. Although Vera is always saying we should talk more, you know. [on the phone] Uh, yes, hi, honey, hi. Uh, listen, um, do l, uh, do I have a dark suit? I do? Um, good. D- Do you remember, uh, why I bought it? A funeral, of course. Was, uh, was your father there? Was he wearing makeup by any chance? Vera? Vera? [hangs up] Shoot, this is gonna bug me all day.

Quote from Sam

Sam: What do you mean he's exercising?
Woody: That's what it looked like. I- I think he was doing push-ups.
Sam: Oh, come on. You're just trying to back out of this.
Woody: No, I'm not, Sam. I'm gonna tell him.
Sam: Well, then...
Hives: Excuse me. You're the gentlemen I led from the foyer to the library, am I correct?
Sam: [chuckles] Yeah, right.
Hives: Would you be a dear and help me find my way back?
Sam: Uh, sure. Well, actually, you know, it's not that hard. All you got to do is go down the, uh, that staircase with those naked angels that are carved in the banister. Then- Then you, uh, go through that long hallway with the three naked ladies kind of frolicking in the field there. And then you go take a left, and you get in that big room that has that, uh, bronze statue of the b... I'll tell you what, why don't I take you there myself? I'll be right back.

Quote from Woody

Woody: All right, just forget the whole thing.
Mr. Gaines: Well, no, Woody, if you want to be friends, that's- that's fine, that's fine. In fact, uh, we could, uh, oh...
Woody: Go fishing?
Mr. Gaines: Yeah, uh, fishing. Of course, fine. In fact, why don't we go fishing in your new boat?
Woody: [chuckles] My new boat?!
Mr. Gaines: Yes.
Woody: Really?
Mr. Gaines: In- In fact, uh, why don't we call it the S.S. Silence?
Woody: Well, I'm sure we can come up with a better name than that, but thanks.
Mr. Gaines: Hooray. [both chuckle]
Woody: You know, I get a feeling we're gonna be pretty close from now on, Mr. Gaines. [exits]
Katherine Gaines: Well, Walter did he know what we were doing?
Mr. Gaines: Not only does he know, but he's doing it to me.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Okay, you guys, I'm trying to get a head count here so I know how many people are here for Thanksgiving so I can have enough turkey.
Cliff: Oh, easy on the turkey for me, though, Rebecca, 'cause, uh, those tryptophanes just put me to sleep.
Carla: Get two turkeys.

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