Sam: [on TV] And now for the I on Sports commentary. You know, the world is full of negative people. Okay, so the Sox aren't having such a great season, but that's no reason to boo and say bad things about them. You know, I don't know where I heard it, but I thought you were supposed to root, root, root for the home team. So the next time you're in Fenway, you can't yell something nice, don't yell anything at all. This has been just one guy's opinion. Joanne?
Joanne: Thank you, Sam. You've given us all a lot to think about. We'll be right back with the weather after this message.

Dave Richards: This is the Big Dave Machine saying good night and may the sports be with you. [exits]
Norm: You know, I bet if you held your ear up to his, you could hear the ocean.
Woody: I'll have to try it sometime.
Cliff: It, uh, may not work for you.

Frasier: Excuse me, Dave. Dr. Crane here. If you're interested, I happen to conduct a little session for narcissists about once a month.
Dave Richards: My policy: only show up if I get an award.

Carla: I hate this uniform. It is ugly. It makes me look like a beached whale. And on top of everything I can't find any earrings to go with it.
Sam: Try some broccoli.
Carla: Ha-ha-ha! I mean it, Sam. I really hate it.
Woody: Oh, I used to like it, but now I'm getting kind of tired of it. Feel like I'm wearing the same thing every day.
Sam: Listen, I'm not a big fan of them either but let's just give it our best here. Come on. Come on.
Carla: Come on, Sam, can't you just talk to the Iron Maiden? Convince her to get rid of them. Come on.
Sam: Oh, Miss Howe, uh, about the uniforms.
Rebecca: Oh, I'm glad you reminded me. The dry cleaning plant is on strike. Now, we may not have fresh uniforms for at least a week, so I want you to be extra careful with those. [exits]
Sam: [pours beverages down shirt] Oops.
Carla: [uses water hose to drench uniform] Oh, no.
Woody: Um you guys are going to get it. Didn't you hear what Miss Howe just got through... [Sam and Carla mess up Woody's uniform] [laughing] I get it. [Woody pours orange juice over his uniform]

Woody: I know who you are. I've seen you on the news. I can't believe it. Hey, everybody. It's Dave Richards, Channel 10.
Dave Richards: Channel 13.
Woody: Oh, sorry. Never mind.

Dave Richards: Sam, I got a proposition for you.
Sam: No, no, no if she's not good enough for you, I sure don't want her.
Dave Richards: No, no, it's nothing like that. You see, I have to give up my TV spot, I on Sports. They're looking for a fill-in for the week and I thought you might be interested.
Sam: Boy, sports on TV I've never really considered that. [with deep voice] Think I'd be any good at it?

Sam: Silly me. What am I going to do about this, huh?
Frasier: Sam, may I suggest deception?
Cliff: Well, now, hold onto your horses there, Frasier. As a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to seek and uphold the truth?
Frasier: Oh, get real, Cliff.

Sam: Um, Miss Howe, we're running low on napkins.
Rebecca: [o.s.] So order more.
Sam: I don't know how many more. I don't run the bar anymore. Thank you. I appreciate this very much. [phone rings] I'll get it. I'll get it. [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah, this is Sam Malone. What? You say my apartment's been robbed?
Cliff: Oh, Sammy!
Sam: You say I've been cleaned out? Well, damn. Yeah, I guess I could get over there right away and maybe expect not to be back here for a few hours, huh? Well, thank you very much. Thank you. [hangs up] That was my landlord. Do you believe this? I've been robbed. What's happening to this city? [exits]
Frasier: Go on, Sammy.
All: [chanting] Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy, go!
Norm: We're a, uh, victim support group.

Joanne: [on TV] And Keller is scheduled to be executed on Friday. I guess he won't be around then for the Patriots-Buffalo game this Sunday. For that and all the sports, a new member to the Channel 13 team, here's former Red Sox pitcher Sam Malone. Nice to have you with us, Sam.
Sam: Thank you, Joanne. I'd just like to say that you look better live than you do in person.
Joanne: Thank you.

Sam: [on TV] Red Sox pitcher Paul Willis went on the 15-day disabled list today. Willis has floating cartilage in his knee and tomorrow will undergo arthroscopic surgery.
Carla: All right! I can't bel- On his first night!
Rebecca: Club soda, Woody, please.
Woody: Sure, Miss Howe.
Man: [on TV] Today on This Old House, we're going to be grouting counter tile, so I'm sure you'll want to stick around for that. But first, let's go in the kitchen.
Rebecca: Don't you guys usually watch sports?
Cliff: Yeah, well, yeah, usually, but, uh, they're going to be putting up drywall in a minute.
Man: [on TV] The subflooring is just being laid.