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‘I Kid You Not’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: I Kid You Not

714. I Kid You Not

Aired February 16, 1989

Frasier and Lilith spend time with Carla's intelligent and cultured son, Ludlow, whose father was Frasier's mentor. Meanwhile, Woody asks to borrow Sam's car.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Carla's got herself a real Poindexter there, huh? Yeah. It's sad to say that kids not accepted by their peers really never learn how to get along with people in the big grown-up world.
Norm: Why is that, Cliff? 'Cause they keep boring everyone and driving them crazy with long speeches filled with meaningless statistics?
Cliff: Yep, yeah. 63% of them live lives of quiet desperation.
Norm: And how about those who sit next to them?

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Quote from Carla

Lilith: So, Carla, tell, tell. Have you bedded any other Rhodes scholars?
Carla: Uh... no. But one egghead, long-distance, phone-in father is enough for this baby factory.
Frasier: In spite of the fact that Dr. Ludlow's work takes him out of the country, I'm sure he's a marvelous parent.
Carla: No, a good parent is someone who's there. Who's there to help them out with their homework. There when they wake up in the middle of the night crying their eyes out. He's there with the bottle of Bactine when they give themselves a bad tattoo. Well, I've been there. I raised eight kids on a waitress's salary, and I want you to know they're all good kids, and not one of them has had a conviction that stood up on appeal.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Carla, look, I know you love your kids and everything... I mean, like your kids. I mean, I know you have kids... But I have never seen you this concerned before.
Carla: Well, Lud's special.
Norm: Yeah?
Carla: Yeah. I mean, whenever I come home at night, he always brings me a pan of hot water for my feet. He actually asks me how my day went. I don't know if I ever told anybody this before... I love him.
Norm: You don't have to be shy about saying that you love your kids.
Carla: Oh, why don't you just take out an ad in the Yellow Pages?

Quote from Carla

Lilith: We were wondering if we could treat Lud to dinner this evening.
Carla: Come on, guys. You've had him out every night this week. Besides, I had a special family evening planned. I was gonna cook a big bowl of pasta, and we're all gonna sit around and watch America's Most Wanted, and see if we could rat on our neighbors.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Carla, that's exactly what he wants you to do. One must not play the game by his rules. Now, I've taught a seminar or two on developmental behavior, and the first rule in these acting-out situations is to simply ignore the offending child. Just pretend that he doesn't exist. Eventually, he'll get bored and come out. So what a lovely meal. Mmm! Do you know, I heard that the chef here was a protege of...
Lilith: Do you smell something burning?
Frasier: Yes. That's my shoe. I heard that he was a protege of...
Lilith: Your shoe is on fire?
Frasier: Yes.
Lilith: Isn't that painful?
Frasier: Excruciating. But I'm not going to give the child the pleasure of hearing me cry out. So, you see, it seems he was educated in a small village on the Rhine. He... Oh, Lud. One hotfoot might be considered a puckish prank. But, if you light that other match, it is the end of our tutelage. Is that perfectly clear? That's it! That's it! I've had it! That severs the relationship!
Lilith: Frasier, everyone thinks you're arguing with your clams.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Now would it please everyone if I ordered for the whole table?
Carla: It would be delightful.
Lilith: Fine.
Frasier: Thank you. Now, I know that Lilith's delicate constitution is not amenable to shallots. Is there anything else I should be mindful of?
Carla: How considerate of you to ask, Frasier. Actually, I have a delicate constitution, as well. No extra-heavy barbecue sauce. I'll be repeating like a Howitzer.
Lilith: Delightful.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, Lilith, I think we've all learned something here tonight. I'm going to try to tell you what it is before you coat my blistering feet with butter and drop me off at the emergency room. You see this incident has made something very clear to me. I.. I believe my initial instincts were correct. We shouldn't have children. I don't think I'd make a good father. I don't want to be a father. I'll never be a father. End of discussion.
Lilith: Frasier, I'm pregnant.
Frasier: I'm gonna be a daddy? I'm gonna be a daddy! Oh, Lilith, we must come here more often.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: "Lud", you know, that's Carla's son by Bennett Ludlow. He's a cute little tyke.
Lilith: Carla bore a son to Bennett Ludlow, the eminent psychiatrist, your mentor? Oh, this is prime dish. I can't wait to tell the girls in the sleep disorder lab.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Frasier, I just had a delicious idea. Why don't we buy an extra ticket and take young Lud to the opera with us?
Lilith: Oh, wow, great! But I have to ask my mom. Mommy, Dr. Crane and his wife invited me to go to the opera with them.
Carla: Well, you don't have to be polite. Just tell them to bug off.
Ludlow: But, Mom, I want to go. Please?
Lilith: Carla, may I have a word with you?
Carla: Yeah. Sammy, entertain the kid.
Lilith: Carla, you'd be doing us all a favor. Allowing Frasier and me to spend some time with your son might help us to formulate a decision that's been under much discussion as of late. You see, the two of us are considering whether or not we wish to reproduce.
Carla: You're thinking of having a baby, huh? So, tell me, how long does it take one of your pods to hatch, anyway? Listen, you want to baby-sit Lud, be my guest.

Quote from Carla

Sam: So, are you still cramming all that high-Q stuff in your head?
Carla: You know, Sammy, I don't have any choice. I mean, ever since Dr. Cyclops and Morticia started introducing Lud to all this culture crap, it's like I don't have anything to talk to him about. So I'm listening to all this music, and I'm plowing through all these books here. Look at this.
Sam: Good heavens, man. History of Modern Art. Comprehensive Guide to the World Of Opera. Hollywood Wives.
Carla: Yeah, I'm getting into literature, too.
Sam: I've read this.
Carla: Oh, man, who am I trying to kid? I'm just stupid.
Sam: Hey, you are not stupid.
Carla: Oh, how would you know? You're stupid.
Sam: If you were really stupid, you wouldn't know that about me.
Carla: Good point.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Greetings, Carla. We just dropped your son off at home after a lovely sojourn at the Museum of Fine Art. You know, that child is such a love. He's so bright, inquisitive, creative. He reminds me of myself as a child. Of course, he has more hair.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Carla? Carla, what say we make it four at Magritte's tonight, huh?
Carla: You buying? [Frasier nods] I'm going.
Frasier: Well, good. We're on, then. We'll call for you at 8:00. By the way, Carla, please bear in mind that this is a very posh establishment. Need I say more?
Carla: Oh, no, no, no. I get the picture loud and clear. I'll shave my legs.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Uh, I was wondering. Do you have frog legs?
Maitre d': Why, yes.
Carla: Wear nice pants. No one will ever notice. [Ludlow laughs] I always wanted to do that.
Ludlow: You're the best mommy in the world.
Carla: Yeah. Tell me something I don't know.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: Wait, wait, Woody. You're going out with the boss's daughter and you're riding around on a bus?
Woody: Yeah, it's getting to be a real drag, too. Especially when you can't sit together. Maybe I can borrow Sam's car.
Cliff: Whoa, whoa, hey. Hold up there, Woodster. Lest you forget the Ten Commandments of Sam Malone. Hence, commandment number three: "Thou shall not loan thy car."
Norm: I thought that was commandment number four.
Cliff: That's "Honor thy hair."
Woody: I think Sam might make an exception in my case. Hey, Sam? Sam? Can I borrow your car?
Sam: My car? [laughs]
Woody: Yeah, I'll be real careful with it. [Sam laughs] No, I'll bring it home early and I'll wash it the next day. [Sam cackles] Well, food for thought.
Norm: So, Wood, is he gonna loan you the car?
Woody: He didn't come right out and say it, but I like my chances. He's in a great mood today. [Sam laughs hysterically]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Oh, Sammy, mind if I cut out for an hour? I want to catch the last couple of innings of my kid Ludlow's T-ball game.
Sam: Hey, I thought he was the intellectual of the family. He's into baseball, huh?
Carla: Well, he didn't go willingly. I had to trick him. I used the old "going to the library but running out of gas in front of the ballpark" routine.
Sam: Seems kind of drastic, doesn't it?
Carla: Come on, Sammy, please. I don't want the kid growing up to be a soft, doughy wimp wearing an argyle sweater and smoking a pipe.
[Frasier passes by Carla wearing an argyle sweater and smoking a pipe]

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