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‘How to Win Friends and Electrocute People’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: How to Win Friends and Electrocute People

707. How to Win Friends and Electrocute People

Aired December 15, 1988

When Cliff has his appendix taken out, nobody from Cheers visits him in the hospital. Meanwhile, Sam gives Lilith driving lessons.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Sam, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sam: Sure, have a seat.
Lilith: Frasier and I will be covering over 4,500 miles round-trip and I think it's only fair that I share some of the driving. However, I am handicapped by one tiny thing. I've never operated a motorized vehicle before.
Sam: You don't know how to drive?
Lilith: I always meant to learn, but when I was a teenager, I was too busy having fun.

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Quote from Woody

Cliff: Boy, oh, boy. How many times have I walked through that door, huh? Yep, good-bye old bar. Take care, old stool.
Norm: Where you going, Cliff?
Cliff: I'm going in for surgery tomorrow. Who knows if I'll ever walk into God's blue sky again. It's all up to the man upstairs.
Woody: Vic, the matre d' at Melville's?
Sam: No, Woody. No, never mind.

Quote from Woody

Sam: What, what are you, what are you talking about? Well, it took a lot of expensive and complicated tests, Sammy, but they finally found out what that pain was in my abdomen. The experts call it appendicitis. [all chuckling]
Norm: Woo, Cliffie, come on. Now, that's a simple you know, I had it when I was a kid. There's nothing to it.
Woody: I actually liked having my appendix out. My parents told me I could have all the ice cream I wanted.
Sam: No, Woody, I think you're talking about tonsils.
Woody: Well, it was a long time ago, Sam, but I'm pretty sure it was ice cream.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Would you teach me, Sam?
Sam: Uh, well, what about Frasier?
Lilith: We're too close. I need someone to whom I have no emotional attachment whatsoever. So as a friend, would you do me this favor?
Sam: Yeah, why not? When do we start?
Lilith: The sooner the better.
Sam: All right.
Lilith: Um, how do you think I'll do?
Sam: I've never had a woman in a car that didn't do great.
Lilith: Wonderful. You teach me to drive, I'll help you with your sense of humor.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Yeah, is he still in the hospital?
Norm: Uh, I don't know, how's he doing?
Sam: Well, I thought you were going to go see him.
Norm: Well, I tried, I mean, I got as far as the hospital lobby, but you know, the smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [gestures for a refill]

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Geez, Sam, are you all right?
Lilith: No thanks to your wife. I cannot believe you made that gesture to that guy.
Frasier: I see people make that gesture to Frasier all the time.
Sam: Yeah, but Frasier's not driving an 18-wheeler with a little bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith & Wesson."
Lilith: Well, he cut me off.
Sam: That happens all the time. It doesn't mean that you gun it up to 80 and run the guy off the road.
Lilith: I blew his doors off, didn't l?
Sam: The last thing you want to do is stop the car, get out, and start poking your finger in the folds of his neck.
Lilith: I wasn't afraid; I thought you could handle him.
Sam: Yeah, well, I tried, didn't l?
Lilith: Oh, yes, that vicious head butt to his fist sent him reeling.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Oh, wow, man. You know, it's lucky you dropped by. We were having this argument. Maybe you can settle it for us. We were wondering who came up with that great post office phrase, you know: "Rain, sleet, dark of night..." That kind of thing. [everybody agreeing]
Cliff: [pause] Excuse me. [clearing throat] He did ask.
Dave: Okay, but keep it short.
Cliff: Well, uh, you know, interestingly enough, uh it harks back to, uh, the early Persian empire, about 500 B.C.
Sam: Oh, is that right?
Hugh: Great.
Pete: Really?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah. As a matter of fact, a lot of our ancient wonders are postal related.
Norm: Get out.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. No, really. The pyramids for example, they were post offices. And the Sphinx, that was a late-night drop off. [groaning] But, uh, I digress.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, it's good to be back. So who's gonna buy me a beer? [groaning] Come on, it was a joke, you bozo! [groaning] Stop that! [groaning] I said stop that! All right, the experiment's off! [groans three times] You're a quack! [rapid series of groans] [Cliff wrestles the remote away from Dave] Okay! Let's see how you like it, pal.
[rapid series of groans]
Dave: Remember, we still have your deposit on that unit! [exits]
Cliff: So, uh, what were we talking about?
Sam: Cliff, what's going on here?
Cliff: Where?
Sam: Come on, Cliff.
Cliff: Well, it's some harebrained scheme I came up with. I... When you guys didn't visit me in the hospital, I knew it was because I wasn't popular, so l, uh, went down to this aversion therapy place and bribed the guy to give me a shock every time I acted like a jerk. I thought it would make me a different person. I guess it didn't work, huh? I better be going. Uh... I'll see you guys later. You know, as a matter of fact, l, uh guess I won't, huh?

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Ah. Hello, blossom bottom, how was your lesson?
Lilith: I like driving. It's a wonderful feeling. Total control of woman over machine. The speed, the power, the ecstasy... I was jazzed.
Sam: [enters] You know, you're insane. You're a maniac. You're certifiable.
Lilith: I'm glad to see you're talking to me again. Has your nose stopped bleeding?

Quote from Woody

Woman: [on TV] You're up pretty late, aren't you? Nothing better to do than watch TV? Feeling a little lonely in the big city? Come and join the party. Call 5, double five, P-R-T-Y, for the best party line in Boston, that's right. There are lots of fun people on the line right now waiting for you to join in their fun talk. Only $2.00 plus toll if any, for three minutes of party line madness. Why don't you try it? There's only one way to find out what sort of wild people call the party line. Dial 5, double five, P-R-T-Y. [TV shuts off]
Woody: [on the phone] Hi, my name's Woody and I'm from Indiana and I... Oh, hi, Mr. Clavin. Hey!

Quote from Cliff

Sam: So when are you going in? It's tomorrow.
Cliff: Now, look, I want you guys to promise me, you know, if I don't pull through this thing, you know, there'll be no big, emotional scenes, no eulogies, just a small memorial service where you guys sit around and tell the funniest stories about me.
Norm: Okay, I got dibs on this one.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Great news, everybody! Lilith and I have just gotten back from the auto club.
Lilith: We have the complete itinerary for our motoring trip through the U.S.A. in our Chevrolet.
Frasier: It's a Mercedes, dear.
Lilith: That was a joke, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, I forgot I married a madcap.

Quote from Frasier

Cliff: Hey, listen, folks, nobody's really interested about your little motor trip. We're talking about my upcoming surgery. So, now, where was l?
Carla: So you gonna see the Grand Canyon?
Norm: Yeah, don't miss Yosemite.
Woody: Listen, if you've go to the alligator farm outside Tallahassee, tell lvar Woody says hey, hey.
Frasier: Of course. Okay, gather around everybody. I'll show you the interstates we're gonna take.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, I've got to be moseying on, you guys. I'll, you know, see you later. I'm going under the knife in about 12 hours or so. Yeah, look, don't feel that you have to go out of your way to stop by, you know, and visit, New England Presbyterian, Room one niner four, visiting hours between 11 and 9.

Quote from Frasier

Norm: Cliffie, I'm sure everything is going to be just okay.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, well, no, sure, there's no... You know, I'm in the hands of skilled professionals. It's not like the old days, is it, you know, where they give you a shot of whiskey, lick the scalpel and they go a-carving, huh?
Frasier: You know, the same is true in my profession. Time was when a person's behavior deviated in any way from what society considered normal, the town barber would take a rusty drill, bore a hole in your head, and let the evil spirits out. Well, it's a good thing we didn't live back then, huh?
Carla: Yeah, you'd be looking pretty much like a whiffle ball by now, wouldn't ya?

Quote from Norm

Hugh: I don't believe you guys. That's it. I'm leaving.
Alan: Come on.
Norm: Fine! Fine! Who needs your kind around here anyway?
Rebecca: Gentlemen! Now I think that this bar is big enough for people who like The Addams Family and The Munsters.
Norm: Okay, all right, fine. I'll take back what I said about Cousin It.
Hugh: That's okay, it was in the heat of the moment.
Rebecca: All right.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Let me see that. [gasps] This is a decent picture of me. Look at that! I'm gorgeous and sexy.
Carla: And dead as a doornail.
Rebecca: What?
Carla: You're in the obituaries.
Rebecca: Oh, God!
Sam: No, don't feel bad, it says you died in bed.
Woody: I didn't know you helped build the Panama Canal.
Rebecca: Woody, that is someone else's obituary. I am not dead. I am a living, breathing human being.
Woody: I know that. So where'd they put all the dirt, anyway?

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Let me see these. Oh, they're from corporate headquarters. Did we do well last month? "Dear friends at Cheers, we mourn the loss of Rebecca Howe. At last her pain is over." I'm going to call them up, straighten this out before they start making funeral arrangements.
Carla: If I were you, I'd have a closed casket.

Quote from Frasier

Norm: Yeah, well, why Grandpa Munster never won an Emmy, I'll never know.
Hugh: Come on, maybe it's because he stole his whole character from Uncle Fester.
Frasier: Oh, Lord, is this still going on?! This has got to be one of the stupidest arguments I've ever heard since I started coming to this bar.
Pete: Hey, we resent that.
Norm: Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?
Frasier: Well, frankly, it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say, where is Cliff anyway?

Quote from Woody

Sam: Well, l, you know, I was gonna go see him, but I got to wait until I have a night off here. Woody? How about you?
Woody: Oh, that's what this string on my finger is for. What the heck is this one for?

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