Lilith: Sam, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sam: Sure, have a seat.
Lilith: Frasier and I will be covering over 4,500 miles round-trip and I think it's only fair that I share some of the driving. However, I am handicapped by one tiny thing. I've never operated a motorized vehicle before.
Sam: You don't know how to drive?
Lilith: I always meant to learn, but when I was a teenager, I was too busy having fun.

Cliff: Boy, oh, boy. How many times have I walked through that door, huh? Yep, good-bye old bar. Take care, old stool.
Norm: Where you going, Cliff?
Cliff: I'm going in for surgery tomorrow. Who knows if I'll ever walk into God's blue sky again. It's all up to the man upstairs.
Woody: Vic, the matre d' at Melville's?
Sam: No, Woody. No, never mind.

Sam: What, what are you, what are you talking about? Well, it took a lot of expensive and complicated tests, Sammy, but they finally found out what that pain was in my abdomen. The experts call it appendicitis. [all chuckling]
Norm: Woo, Cliffie, come on. Now, that's a simple you know, I had it when I was a kid. There's nothing to it.
Woody: I actually liked having my appendix out. My parents told me I could have all the ice cream I wanted.
Sam: No, Woody, I think you're talking about tonsils.
Woody: Well, it was a long time ago, Sam, but I'm pretty sure it was ice cream.

Lilith: Would you teach me, Sam?
Sam: Uh, well, what about Frasier?
Lilith: We're too close. I need someone to whom I have no emotional attachment whatsoever. So as a friend, would you do me this favor?
Sam: Yeah, why not? When do we start?
Lilith: The sooner the better.
Sam: All right.
Lilith: Um, how do you think I'll do?
Sam: I've never had a woman in a car that didn't do great.
Lilith: Wonderful. You teach me to drive, I'll help you with your sense of humor.

Sam: Yeah, is he still in the hospital?
Norm: Uh, I don't know, how's he doing?
Sam: Well, I thought you were going to go see him.
Norm: Well, I tried, I mean, I got as far as the hospital lobby, but you know, the smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [gestures for a refill]

Frasier: Geez, Sam, are you all right?
Lilith: No thanks to your wife. I cannot believe you made that gesture to that guy.
Frasier: I see people make that gesture to Frasier all the time.
Sam: Yeah, but Frasier's not driving an 18-wheeler with a little bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith & Wesson."
Lilith: Well, he cut me off.
Sam: That happens all the time. It doesn't mean that you gun it up to 80 and run the guy off the road.
Lilith: I blew his doors off, didn't l?
Sam: The last thing you want to do is stop the car, get out, and start poking your finger in the folds of his neck.
Lilith: I wasn't afraid; I thought you could handle him.
Sam: Yeah, well, I tried, didn't l?
Lilith: Oh, yes, that vicious head butt to his fist sent him reeling.

Sam: Oh, wow, man. You know, it's lucky you dropped by. We were having this argument. Maybe you can settle it for us. We were wondering who came up with that great post office phrase, you know: "Rain, sleet, dark of night..." That kind of thing. [everybody agreeing]
Cliff: [pause] Excuse me. [clearing throat] He did ask.
Dave: Okay, but keep it short.
Cliff: Well, uh, you know, interestingly enough, uh it harks back to, uh, the early Persian empire, about 500 B.C.
Sam: Oh, is that right?
Hugh: Great.
Pete: Really?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah. As a matter of fact, a lot of our ancient wonders are postal related.
Norm: Get out.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. No, really. The pyramids for example, they were post offices. And the Sphinx, that was a late-night drop off. [groaning] But, uh, I digress.

Cliff: Well, it's good to be back. So who's gonna buy me a beer? [groaning] Come on, it was a joke, you bozo! [groaning] Stop that! [groaning] I said stop that! All right, the experiment's off! [groans three times] You're a quack! [rapid series of groans] [Cliff wrestles the remote away from Dave] Okay! Let's see how you like it, pal.
[rapid series of groans]
Dave: Remember, we still have your deposit on that unit! [exits]
Cliff: So, uh, what were we talking about?
Sam: Cliff, what's going on here?
Cliff: Where?
Sam: Come on, Cliff.
Cliff: Well, it's some harebrained scheme I came up with. I... When you guys didn't visit me in the hospital, I knew it was because I wasn't popular, so l, uh, went down to this aversion therapy place and bribed the guy to give me a shock every time I acted like a jerk. I thought it would make me a different person. I guess it didn't work, huh? I better be going. Uh... I'll see you guys later. You know, as a matter of fact, l, uh guess I won't, huh?

Lilith: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Ah. Hello, blossom bottom, how was your lesson?
Lilith: I like driving. It's a wonderful feeling. Total control of woman over machine. The speed, the power, the ecstasy... I was jazzed.
Sam: [enters] You know, you're insane. You're a maniac. You're certifiable.
Lilith: I'm glad to see you're talking to me again. Has your nose stopped bleeding?

Woman: [on TV] You're up pretty late, aren't you? Nothing better to do than watch TV? Feeling a little lonely in the big city? Come and join the party. Call 5, double five, P-R-T-Y, for the best party line in Boston, that's right. There are lots of fun people on the line right now waiting for you to join in their fun talk. Only $2.00 plus toll if any, for three minutes of party line madness. Why don't you try it? There's only one way to find out what sort of wild people call the party line. Dial 5, double five, P-R-T-Y. [TV shuts off]
Woody: [on the phone] Hi, my name's Woody and I'm from Indiana and I... Oh, hi, Mr. Clavin. Hey!