Diane: Sam
Sam: I don't know about this cologne you bought me, Diane. One or two showers and it's all gone.

Diane: Sam, get back in here. I think I know what you're saying. When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you're just clearing your throat.
Sam: Well put.
Diane: Sam.
Sam: I'm getting confused here. You just gave me tickets to a fight I want to see and now you won't let me see it. What is this, some kind of test or something?
Diane: What does our relationship mean to you?
Sam: It means a lot.
Diane: Go on.
Sam: Oh, thank you. [goes to leave]
Diane: Sam, stop! I have spent three months writing in my journal, filling page after page with thoughts concerning us. I have consumed entire weekends trying to discover exactly what our relationship means. And what do I get from you? "It means a lot." [hits table] Can you see why I'm furious?
Sam: Sure. You work at it for months and I get it just like that.
Diane: If you leave, we're through.
Sam: No, no, no. Don't give me an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums. You give me an ultimatum and we're through.
Diane: What?
Sam: That's better.

Diane: [sings] She aches just like a woman Queen Mary, she's my friend...

Sam: Listen, Diane, I know why you're doing this. It's my fault and I'm sorry.
Diane: Don't flatter yourself.
Sam: No, it is. It is. You know, my walking out in the middle of an argument wasn't exactly... Boy, when I was a kid, I had nightmares about places like this. Do you think you could... [Diane turns the lights on] Whoa, no bats! Listen, listen. I came over here for a reason. I brought you this. It's a present. Open it.
Diane: You bought me a present at this hour?
Sam: What's time? When your lady's owed a present, she gets a present.
Diane: What is it?
Sam: It's a boxing-glove purse.
Diane: How much did you pay for this?
Sam: Hey, price is no object.
Diane: Obviously.

Alan: Uh, Cliff, these cards you bought at the strip joint, the sexy ladies are wearing bikinis.
Cliff: Uh, that's right. You've got to rub it off with a dime, there.
Coach: Hey, let me see, will you, Cliff? Ah.
Cliff: Hey, there's something wrong. I can't get the bikini off my girl.
Norm: Story of your life, big guy.

Sam: Boy, I tell you, that's the first time I've been in the Combat Zone sober. It just goes to show you you can still have a good time without drinking, as long as you're surrounded by naked broads shaking their wallies in your face.
Cliff: Words to live by.

Diane: Ooh, a gift. Who's it for?
Norm: It's for Harry.
Diane: Why are you giving a gift to that conman?
Sam: To pay him back for all the times he's conned us. Coach found a trick wallet in a novelty shop.
Coach: Yeah, see, what you do is you open it up, see, and flames come right up to your face.
Diane: Oh, isn't this a little cruel?
Sam: No, no, no. It's harmless, really.
Carla: That's why we didn't give it to you.
Cliff: He's coming. Here he comes.
Sam: Boy, am I glad to see you, Harry.
Harry: You are?
Sam: Are you kidding me? You are a valued customer and a friend. I was feeling bad about all the times I kicked you out of here. I just wanted to show you there's no bad blood between us.
Carla: It's from all of us.
Harry: For me? Well, gosh, guys, I never expected anything like this. I mean, no one's ever given me anything voluntarily. Shall I save it for Christmas?
Coach: Oh, no, no, no. Please, Harry. Open it now. It's a hot one.
Harry: Oh, it's a wallet!
Sam: It's just a little gesture.
Harry: It's beautiful.
Coach: [to Diane] I can't wait.
Harry: I'm so touched.
Sam: Don't mention it.
Coach: Gee, Harry, aren't you going to open it?
Harry: Oh, sure.
Diane: Oh, Harry, back from your face a little, so we can all see.
Harry: Aww.
Coach: Gee, it was funnier in the store.
Harry: There must be 50 or 60 bucks in here. You guys are too much. I'll never forget this. Thanks a lot. [exits]
Sam: Did that wallet look familiar to anybody?
[Everyone screams as Sam opens his wallets and flames appear]